I Love You/Adoption/The Net Return

It’s been a while since I have posted on this blog, a couple of months at least.  The last 6 months or so have been hard to maneuver at times, but those closest to me are still treading water.  I hope to be swimming by Spring.

The first thing on my mind is to say thank you.  I have been given so much recently, that I hardly know how to express thanks for all of it.  I am learning new things every day, about myself, others around me, and the art of not saving everyone, but allowing myself to be saved sometimes.  I can’t say I have been a perfect person in my life.  I have not.  What fun would that be?  There would be no challenge, no growth, and no reason to be here.  If I were perfect, as well as all those around me, I would guess we would still be part of Source Energy, and not here tooling around.

So, without further adieu, here is what I feel to say:

Thank you to the persons that have harbored me from the storm, fed me when I was hungry, and offered me more kindness than I can state.  You have given me hugs, unconditional acceptance, honesty, and friendship.  It is the latter that I treasure, although you have given me so much more.  You may know who you are, but the world does not, and I will not be able to sit still until they do.  Chris and David Stolpe of Berwick, ME, you are my heroes.

Now let’s talk a little about other things that I have learned mostly from being in the presence of these great people.  One thing that comes to mind is love can last.  On the first night they met, David told a fellow, “See that woman over there?  That is the woman that I am going to marry!”  Just after dating for 3 weeks, David proposed to Chris.  She said yes.  I think the most romantic thing I have ever heard is that David re-proposes yearly on their Anniversary.  He has never missed once.  That is a whole lot of man to live up to for sure!  So, all those who conveniently forget their wedding anniversary, you better hope your spouse is not reading this!

As for Chris, well, she’s Chris….wild and funny with a heart of gold.  Just don’t try to take advantage of those she loves, she carries!  Chris is the Executive Director of http://www.thetableofplenty.org, and don’t be mistaken, Table Of Plenty is not an on-line organization.  Chris oversees the running of 3 separate community meal centers in Southern Maine, and she has dedicated a huge part of her life to doing so.  The most giving part:  she doesn’t receive a paycheck.  Yep, that’s right.  If you think for a moment that she is a rich housewife with nothing else to do with her time, think again.  As Chris says, “It’s only money.”  She has said this numerous times in the past few weeks as she has generously spent it on me.  There is no person turned away from their community dinners, they run 3 nights a week, and are family meals.  People are served beverages, a salad, dinner, dessert and then once full in body and spirit, they are given even more to take home.  They know each other by name and sing happy birthday to their guests.  It’s a family of those who need to be a part of something bigger, build something better, and by right, I hope sleep very well at night.

Another thing I learned is that we truly all are family.  As for Chris’ family, I had the pleasure of meeting them and being part of their Christmas celebration this year.  I am better for having done so!  You see, Chris is adopted.  Over the last 3 days the word “adoption” has come up multiple times. Before we go off on an adoption story….this is no ordinary adoption.  Chris has known her adoptive family most of her life, but it was only 20 years ago that they truly became close,  around the time that Chris’ mother became ill with Alzheimer’s Disease.  They were there for Chris then, and at age 50, she became officially and legally adopted into the family through unanimous decision.  Chris is now 55.  This, I thought was amazing in itself, and then I got to meet them!  We TRULY are all family!

Everyone needs someone.  Chris and I spent a few days together while David was in Iowa visiting his family.  I call David Sir, out of affection, and Sir is coming home tonight after a very long day of flights and riding on a bus….he should be home somewhere between Midnight and 1am due to flight delays.  It was the first time they have ever been apart in 18 years. This was Chris’ present to David this year.  I watched them as the different emotions played out in this dance of marital shift, and it was amazing.  David worrying about Chris, Chris saying she needed a vacation and then becoming sad when he was actually leaving, David’s phone calls, and how Chris would light up when his ring came through, Chris worried when she had not heard from David today, and David just finally wanting to be home with his wife and dogs.  Home is where the heart is, and the heart pulse is definitely in this home.

 It’s good to be a Perky!  I have met some very interesting people these last days, those that I have met, have freely welcomed me in their homes, fed me on Christmas Eve and Christmas, given me presents, hugged me and just accepted me without question.  On Christmas Day, a friend of Chris’, named Tom, invited Chris to accompany him to Christmas Dinner over at York Hospital where they serve their community.  The dinner was free and had all the trimmings, beverage, squash, potatoes, gravy, turkey, ham, and assorted pies for dessert.  When Chris first mentioned going, I felt that Tom may need her to be there since he lost his wife Betsy last year.  I was very surprised listening to Tom at the table say all the things I needed to hear him say.  I do not know why I am ever surprised at this anymore.  He spoke very highly of Chris, but also told me that he worried about her and was happy that she could come and join him.  Stating that she worked far too hard and could see when she had just come to the bottom of her well, and thought she needed to stop and smell the roses a little more often.  He said that she was one of the people that you could just see the light around them, it was like a flickering candle her light was all around her.

For some reason, I was not feeling especially well the last few days and while at dinner I kept putting my bottle of water to my head and could barely eat because my stomach was upset.  However, I was obviously there for the conversation and the jokes that Tom was cracking!  He is a funny fellow!  Here sat a man that despite losing the love of his life the previous year, was on a mission to brighten others’ lives.  He began telling us stories about traveling with his wife and adventures they had with another couple that they were good friends with.  He talked about a tradition that he and his wife began to do sometime ago which entailed taking older greeting cards and making them into new cards to send to people who didn’t have family to send them such things.  Cards for every occasion, Birthdays, Christmas, Get well, or just general have a wonderful day!  “To brighten up people’s spirits.”, he said  He told us how he had gone into a thrift shop looking for old cards to buy, and when he told the employee what he was doing with the cards, he ended up taking home several boxes full of cards totaling around 800 cards for free.  Tom is 72 years old, a widower,  who believes in keeping fit by walking 3 miles a day, and calls himself “A Perky!”  He wants to know why so many people want to be in a bad mood and just complain about what they don’t have when you can just as easily be happy about what you do have.

I asked him if he was born in Maine, and he said no.  His mother went into labor on the train that was taking them to his father (while he was being deployed into the service).  They had to get off the train, as she was not going to make it all the way to CT (if I remember correctly, that was their destination).  I asked him about the military life, and he reported that they moved 32 times during his childhood.  There was not any military housing in those times….WWI and WWII….butter and milk, food in general was scarce.  He told me how his grandfather had taken the shutters down off the house,   “To break them up for wood to burn, to keep them warm in one room together.”  Tom cleaned his plate completely at dinner and I was ashamed that I had left so much on my plate to waste.  He is a man who can appreciate a good dinner.

Humble is the heart of a boy becoming a man.  I also met a family that had fallen on hard times (who hasn’t?) and were randomly “adopted” by a man who had some money to spend, and wanted to make a brighter Christmas for someone.  I never met the man, but I helped Chris take the goods out of her very large truck (which was full) and deliver them over to the family’s home.  They have a son who is planning on going into the service next year to help support his family, he is 17.  I saw him briefly,  he was apologizing that his uniform smelled from his job (fast food).  Chris laughed and said he smelled like the best french fries. Later, Chris told me about his grateful response when he received a gift that was bought specifically for him.  I thought, this boy cannot go into the military, he needs to go to college and have a good life for himself.  I am not against the military, I was just floored by how much this 17 year old was sacrificing for his family.  I see so many teens feeling entitled to well, just about everything…… Let this young man’s light shine!

I love you.  Adoption.  The Net Return.  I will attempt to address each of these notions to my best ability, as they have been on my mind.

Let’s start with I love you.  Sometimes I notice so much fear in others around saying these words.  I have learned to say I love you, freely and openly to those I love.  It’s as simple as that.  I don’t think that there is ever a time when loving someone is not appropriate.  I’m not speaking romantically per se, but there is nothing wrong with that either.  I tell my friends I love them.  I tell my children I love them.  I tell perfect strangers that I love them, as they don’t feel like perfect strangers to me.  I also believe that we all deserve to be loved.  I can’t say I love every individual person exactly the same.  I cannot say that the person I met yesterday holds the same feeling for me as my children, but I can love them.  What is it that scares people so much about these words?  Why is is taboo to tell someone you love them?  I feel it’s only a form of respect for those that are important to you.  I just love you, that’s all.  It doesn’t mean any more than that.  I hope you understand that when I am saying it, I am sincere, and that I feel lucky enough just to have the capacity to love.

Adoption.  Well, I mentioned in my blog the unusual story of adoption….I usually realize I should pay attention to things when they are repeating themselves over and over in conversation, and other circumstances around me.  The word adoption has been floating around for days!  The statement that we truly all are family is just the plain and simple truth.  We are ONE, we are community, and my experience in the last few weeks has been phenomenal in showing me that community not only exists, it is essential to our existence.  So, adopt someone….bring them into the fold, nourish them, love them and don’t let anyone stop you.  There is nothing better than the satisfaction of loving because you can, without expectation and just because.  There’s that love thing again!

Last, but not least, is The Net Return.  Some set out to create something, build something, offer something, but only if the net return is worth their time and effort.  I know this usually applies to business, in which making a profit is a needed thing to keep the business going.  However, sometimes, this is the only way a person can seem to look at most things, if not everything in their lives.  The truth of the matter is, not worrying about the net return is the smartest thing you can do.  When you want to invest in something, truly want to see that something grow, you just go all in.  What you get in return is defined by what you want to see happen.  If you are going in with a full heart and not putting so much expectation into a situation….it will just turn into the experience that it is meant to be.  It’s as simple as that.  Sometimes life requires a blind leap of faith.  A little voice inside says jump……and you should!

Having said all that, I am truly grateful for all those who trust and put their faith in me.  I put my faith in you as well, that you are needed, loved, and worthy.  So, the next time I say I love you, you can say it back if you want, but you don’t have to.  The point is that I’m all in and I’m very happy to be so.


The Raw and the Cooked meets redemption.

There are two things I promised myself and readers when I began to write this blog.  First, I would be completely honest.  This is not a difficult choice for me, as I cannot seem to be otherwise, almost to a fault.  Second, I would bring the light and the dark part of myself into my posts.

See, we walk a fine line between being human and self-realization in human form.  The things we experience (both good and bad, right and wrong) are all valuable experiences.  The most dark times, when things are ending for us, are truly a beginning of another phase of life.  Knowing this, does not make us any less pained or reactive at times.  Sometimes it can even give us what we need to let go and take the plunge into that dark, deep, cold water….knowing we will resurface ever stronger.

The other day, when I wrote “The Raw and the Cooked”, it was rather self-serving.  I knew it was ugly, but I was in pain and so, I said:  “Here it is, my dark, how do you like it???”  I wrote it almost like a child’s story….Once there was….and the girl who was now a woman…etc.   This was an attempt to make it even more ugly than it stood on it’s own.

I wrote it  to be confusing….you sometimes didn’t know, which girl, which woman was being pointed out in the story.  This is to show the way history repeats itself, and how one abused child, who tried to break a cycle, became part of a world of abuse for another child. The story is dark, nasty and honestly no attempt at showing my ability as a writer.  Just my struggling ability bring the dark into the light and burn the judgement away.

Judgement is something we all do everyday….this apple tastes better than this orange.  This person is dressed nicer.  I shouldn’t do that, that makes me look like an ass….I will wait until no one is around, and then I will do it!!

We are creatures of habit, we do what we do when we feel pain….drink, exercise, talk, cry, scream, eat, smoke…..write.  I have always uses writing as an outlet.  A way to pull out the darkest bits of me.  A way to examine something and see it for all its gnarly barbs and pointy sticks.  There are times when I write something now, and say….why did you post that?  Well, that certainly isn’t going to help business!

I have to laugh, because no matter how hard another judges me, I will judge myself ever harder.  There is no other reason for me to do what I do, except to help myself and others.  That is what I do.  I spend my own time in judgement, of myself, of others, of whatever.  We all do, we sit in judgement.   What flavor ice cream?  This one is gross, that one is good…..every flavor has value.  Every experience has value.  Every person has value.

Here is where I use my own words to heal myself…”Every person has value.”  This is the hardest thing I will ever say, but it must be said:  If every person has value, then so does the boy who was angry.  See, I thought I had brought to light my ability to forgive him for the things that he did.  It was then that I realized, it was far worse than I had ever hoped or imagined.  The boy who was angry, was angry because he was abused and neglected.  He took his victim-hood out on others.  I wore my victim-hood (and still do), like a suit of armor.  Or, as I am reminded by some words that someone once  said, not directly to me…but I got it…and often think of it:  “Don’t wear your wounds like a badge!”

Now, I must see it, feel it, and walk myself through it.  Now, I must sit in judgement of myself, and realize that a) there was nothing else that I could do or b) I just didn’t know how or c) I didn’t try hard enough.

I say:  all of the above.  Perhaps I am guilty of all three.  Perhaps I was just ignorant and afraid.  Perhaps…

Judgement.  This is what a great spiritual reader and new friend told me I would be dealing with.  Judgement is so large in my life at this moment….it’s big, it’s dark, and it’s ugly.  This is the time of facing my demons, and bringing them to rest for the moment.  I have work to do folks!

So, whatever you may think about me, or my blog, or anything else for that matter.  Please remember when it seems the darkest, and we are the most weary, is when we are doing the hardest work of our lives.  This is the darkest place that we will go, and every one of us will have to do so to walk into our own light.  If we want to fill the space inside with light, we have to get the sludge out.  There are easier ways, but I have always been on the dramatic side…so, eh, well…..what can I say.

I apologize to the little girl.  It doesn’t mean much, but I am sorry.  I am sorry that I couldn’t protect you.

Here is to being human!

May the road rise up to meet you,

May the wind be always at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face;

May the rains fall soft upon your fields,

and until we meet again

May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

For the sake of clarity, toast with whatever you think you should toast with!

The Raw and the Cooked

Did you ever have someone impact your life so greatly that all that you experienced…every part of it…reaped havoc on your soul for all of your days?

There once was a girl, 14 years old, sad, but hopeful…hopeful someone would come love her and heal her heart.  Hopeful that she could survive. Her mother was a drunk and a drug addict, who never protected her, and at 14 she was on her own.  Not knowing anything about living, but very well schooled in surviving, this was all she could do.

There once was a boy, 16 years old, angry and disturbed.  His father was a drunk who used his fists on his mother.  He told the girl he loved her and her heart swelled.  Then one day, her lip swelled and her body bruised, and she knew fear.  Fear that was stronger than all the fear she had felt before.

She dressed as he said, talked as he said, did as he said, and cried and cried.  One day he asked, “Why do you always cry when we make love.”  She learned to lay still and say nothing.

She learned to run and hide when he became angry, and she was never ever, ever to tell.  One day, the girl woke up and she knew something was different.  Time had slipped by and she had swelled, and bruised, and hidden a great deal now.  She was more afraid than ever….because she knew that she was different now.  Her heart swelled.  Suddenly, she felt love!

Soon her breasts swelled, her belly swelled, and her ankles swelled.  All day, every day, she thought about the baby.  All day, every day, she was afraid for the baby.  There was a day when he came to her and threw her to the ground.  “It’s time for you to die.”, he said, and told her how he would kick the baby out of her.  She lay on the ground holding her belly protecting her baby.  She was already eight months along.  She believed he would eventually kill her.

He threw all her belongings into the street and shut the door behind him.  She stood there in the middle of the night, cold, and afraid.  She picked up her things and walked away.  It was snowing and dark, but she felt better for walking.  She passed her parents house, and kept going, because she was unwelcome there.  She flipped them the bird.

She walked all night until she arrived at her aunt’s house and there she slept on the floor.  She tried to leave him, but he followed her.  He always followed her.  He followed her to work, he knew when she got her check and made sure he brought her right to the bank to cash it.  “Here is twenty dollars for you.” he would say.  She would be grateful.  He followed her when she was walking down the street, on the bus, or just in the bathroom.  One day he came in while she was using the toilet, he peed on her, and then just walked away.

He followed and watched, waited and accused, he hit and he screamed and he said “Get in the back seat, you slut!”  He did what he wanted…even when she choked.  He did what he wanted…even when she cried.  He did what he wanted.

One day, a baby girl was born and he wouldn’t let her hold her.  He took the baby and he told the social workers that he didn’t know what was wrong with her and how she wanted to leave him.  A woman came by to tell her to be nice to him, that he was trying so hard to love her.  Once they were home, he forgot all about them for sometime.  Then she was alone with her baby.  She sang to the baby and wrapped her in swaddling blankets, she fed her her breast milk and tried to stay healthy.

One day he was angry again, and he went to take the baby.  The baby was on the bed and could fall off, but she grabbed him and wouldn’t let go.  He punched her and punched her, but she wouldn’t let go.  He punched her in the stomach until she could not feel it anymore.  He punched her until he was tired, but she wouldn’t let go.  “I won’t let you hurt my baby! “, she yelled.  She stayed up at night thinking of ways to escape.

She went to the nuns, but he found her and brought her back.  She asked her dad for help, but his wife answered by calling her “Whore!” and shutting the door on her.  She went to the police, they took reports and put them in a folder.  She got a restraining order, but he broke into her new apartment and held her there and took their daughter.  He ripped out the phone and took the baby into the other room and wouldn’t give her back.  He stayed there for hours.

When she left her house he was hiding in her bushes….she ran and ran…she ran to the police station, but they “couldn’t do anything” because he was not there now. His brother knew the mayor of the town (yes, really!). They kept taking reports, but they could never find his folder when she needed it.  When she was on the bus, she watched constantly to see if he was following behind her.  They went to court.  She told social workers about being raped was told “You picked him!”, and “None of that matters!”  “Does he hurt the child?”

“No, he has not hurt the child, but I’m afraid he will.”, she said.

“Well, that is not good enough.”

They went to court over and over and over.  She kept losing her job for absences…he made it hard on her.  He said he was being denied his visits so he got more time. He assaulted her daycare provider, but the woman didn’t want to see him “go to jail over it.”  He yelled at the pediatrician because “he had rights and he wanted to see the little girl’s medical records, and Who the fuck do you think you are?!”

The girl was becoming a woman now and when the doctor called her to explain what happened, she asked for his help, but he did not want to “get involved in that!”

She got a lawyer, but couldn’t pay him.  His lawyer was paid by his well-off brother.  She asked some people to help her.  She asked someone to “take him out of the picture”….”give him a warning”….but they looked at her like she was crazy.  She didn’t feel crazy, she felt fear.  She called an abuse shelter, but they didn’t take women unless “they were currently being beaten.”

She called social services to get help.  She was getting an interview to tell her story! Her drunken mother called the social worker and told them horrible stories.  “She was only trying to help!”  The social worker cancelled her appointment.

The girl, becoming a woman, felt like a helpless child and cried and cried.  She was fired from her job.  She would get strange phone calls in the night…breathing…listening….waiting.  They went to court again. It was the last time.

“If you don’t stop coming in here, and straighten out your own issues, we will make your child a ward of the state!”  He would get her!  He would get her!  He would get her!

There was no help, no job, no place to live….she moved into a slum apartment building, with a slum landlord, and slum drug-dealers.  Someone was shot in front of her house.  The girl who was now a woman,  felt fear and she cried and cried.  The little girl was four now.

She had a new boyfriend and decided to get married….could he protect them?…would he protect them?.  They would have more money and she could work again.  She survived.

He didn’t protect them and he didn’t help.  He didn’t do anything. The woman had another little girl.  Now there were sisters..she taught them to love each other…she taught them to be careful…very, very careful…they had a code word for strangers..it was banana.  She watched and waited and prayed every day.  Take care of my baby.  Please take care of my baby.  They moved away and she hoped it would be too far for him to travel, that he would give up.  It wasn’t and he didn’t, and when she was 12 the little girl asked to not see her father any more.  The woman, could finally breathe just a small breath at a time.  Small breaths…small breaths…small breaths.   Two years passed by and they had not seen the monster.  The girl, now 14, had been going to therapy for some time.  She was “better” now.  The woman got a divorce from the man who didn’t protect them.  He did even less and still didn’t protect them.  When she asked him to check on the children when she went to school at night, he said he would, but didn’t.  The girl, now 15, and her sister, now 11 stayed home alone.  The girl, now 15, had her first boyfriend.

As sometimes happens in divorce and otherwise….the children were confused, upset, and sad.  They pointed fingers.  “Tag!, You’re It!”  As sometimes happens in divorce and otherwise, the woman was depressed and would sometimes stay in bed, she had trouble managing money and paying for their needs.  They survived.  She didn’t know how to teach them to live.

The little girl, now a woman, married her high school sweetheart when she was just twenty, she had a beautiful baby girl, and was a good mother.  The woman did not know how unhappy her daughter was.  She did not know that the daughter was drinking or feeling depressed or that she was having difficulty.

The little girl, who was now a woman was drinking away her memories.  The little girl drank too much and too often.  The little girl was suffering and trying to do everything right, but didn’t have the support she needed.  Things happened that shouldn’t have, and the little girl’s family came apart at the seams.  The sister went one way, the girl went another, the mother went this way, and the little girl’s little girl went to live away.

The woman cried.  She cried until she had no more tears.

The little girl came to the woman and told her she remembers, she remembers what her father did to her.  The little girl, who was now a woman cried and was very frightened.  She didn’t know what to do.

The mother cried, but it didn’t help anything.  The little girl, who was now a woman drank, but it didn’t help anything.

The little girl, who was now a woman hated her mother……why did you let that happen to me?

The woman, who was no longer young, or a little girl tried to explain all that she did to keep her safe, but it didn’t help anything.  The woman knew it was her fault too.

They yelled and swore and left each other, and now the little girl is gone, the little girl’s little girl is gone, and the woman stands alone.

Becoming the Butterfly

I am going to tell you about my secret adventure.  A program being developed by my friend, April Adams.  I am also seeing many other persons begin to offer the same “type” of program.  Us “messengers” begin to get these similar messages at the same time, but we sometimes perceive them quite differently.  This is because we don’t all need the same thing.  However, this program is different?  Why?

Because my family and I have had the most horrifying things happen in our lives recently.  I have nearly lost 4 of the closest people to my heart in very significant and painful ways. How close to the heart is this??  This is my family, my children, my wife, my granddaughter, and when I say lost…I mean lost to me forever on this plane of existence.

I once talked about how I perhaps was meant to hold space for energy, to meditate all day every day on raising our vibration and just being a channel for information.  I didn’t know if I would be able to commit myself to a life that didn’t involve being in “life”.

What I am seeing lately, is that our worst fears are coming up NOW!  To have us face them. To heal and cleanse them.  Let me tell you, in no way did I think that it would be presented to me in this way.  I have been struggling the last couple of months to do what it is I believe I need to, but I have not been able to use any personal energy to help myself.

To heal and love myself, even when I am at the lowest possible point in my life….losing those I love is the worst thing that I could imagine happening, and I still feel like I am on a teeter-totter of pain, ready to fall off into the abyss at any moment. One more small weight of a feather.

This is where April Adams has stepped in.  She has created a program that has immediately been able to help me become the person I want to be.  Not need to be, or forced to be, or became because someone’s ideas where forced upon me.  But, in my own words, just spoken in her beautiful voice. Using this program, I can FEEL the difference in myself in just the last four days that I have been using it.

The first time I used the meditation program (this is not just a meditation program…believe me and this is not a sales pitch, as it is not available to the public yet….), I was able to observe its effects on my mind and body.  This is because I have been training myself for sometime achieving a certain state of mind.  This program trumps that ten fold.

I am sharing my incredible experiences here because this is what I do.  I share.  I speak. I put myself out there.

I may seem preachy sometimes, in fact, I know I do.  I also have a lot of dark pain to show you so that  you realize that you can fight whatever there is ahead of you with certain tools and support systems.  Trust me…April and I have been working together for this very moment for sometime now.  Having channeled information for the shift as well as the changes that will take place during this time.

I cannot stress enough to you that you MUST reach out to those around you now in this time.  Community is essential and the caregivers are ready to receive you.  I am working hard at being MYSELF these days, or I WILL be lost into that abyss.  I know now, the games have begun.

With this program today, I listened and at first I could not relax as my muscles (from my physical challenge) were spasming badly this morning.  I was just about to think….I will have to start this listening session over again and the next thing I know…bam!  I was on my way to the programing session….spoken in my own words, with April’s voice I was comfortably lulled into positive expression of self.  I felt the words stop but I was completely relaxed, and in the in between state of wake and sleep.  I listened to the silence that was after my program and felt at peace.  No worry, no fear.  Restful and pleasantly sleepy.  I napped afterward and had vivid dreams.  It was the best rest that I have gotten in the last month or more.  When I got up, I felt GOOD!  Better than good, great…I walked my dogs and took them on a long walk….feeling the weather and enjoying it.  I then came back and wrote this.

I am excited for the rest of this day, for this turning point for myself, and I encourage all of you….gather your tools, your friends, your community, and prepare yourself for your own emergence.

The butterfly escapes!

Our Secret Tragedy…

Cory Monteith was found dead in a Vancouver, British Columbia, hotel room on Saturday, July 13. The actor, who played heartthrob Finn Hudson on “Glee,” was 31 years old. The cause of death is not yet known, but Vancouver police ruled out foul play. An autopsy will be performed on Monday. Look back at Monteith’s recent years in photos.

From CNN Entertainment  article by  Steve Almasy

There is only one way to describe this occasion….tragic.  Many “celebrities” have succumbed to the temptation and overwhelming availability of drugs and alcohol over the years.  It is a well known fact that many young actors, musicians and vocalists have died due to the addiction that began when fame took over.

Cory Monteith was a struggling addict who recently entered rehab, and was found dead in his hotel room on Saturday.  It is not yet known how the actor died.  However, I am sure there is speculation to his past drug use and/or the effects that it has had on his physical self.

It is not usual that I am so moved by the death of a celebrity, but here and now, I am moved to the sadness of this tragic event.  I watch the tv show “Glee”, with my wife and had grown quite fond of the character Finn Hudson, which was played by Cory Monteith.  My wife is a true romantic at heart, and it pleased her that there was a real life romance between Monteith and his counterpart Lea Michele.  I guess I got caught up in it myself.

In all honesty, the truth of the matter is that I felt he was a genuine person.  Sometimes it feels as if you can “just tell” that here is someone you would like to know in your life.  I have none of the celebrity enthusiasm that most people do.  In fact, I am often put off by the lifestyle and pseudo glamor of over-paid persons doing a job.  How, in some circumstance,  they begin to believe their own fiction/illusion that was created for them.  I think I would refuse an invitation to meet most celebrities.  However, there are some people that stick out in your mind.  You see something in them, something familiar.  You can see that they put themselves into their work, they are grateful for what they have, and they trigger something that feels good inside you.  That is when you know that someone is true, real….not just the imagined fiction. Your gut tells you.

We see celebrities as characters on a show, or acting on stage….we don’t truly know them or understand them, we just look at their character and see if we can resonate with that…often forgetting that there is a human being behind the acting.

Cory Monteith admittedly began using drugs at the age of 13, entered rehab at age 19, and just recently this past April 2013, completed rehab after voluntarily putting himself back in the program.

Addiction is not a game, it is not an illness that is easy to conquer, and once addicted….always addicted.  There is never just one time for an addict.  Once is all it takes to spiral a well-made and “survived” life into a long-term tail spin.  I do not know if this tragic death was drug related.  I know through the media we will soon know, however….isn’t it something that we have already decided?  Won’t his legacy be tarnished by his history no matter how it is reported?  Or perhaps something good and honest will come of it.

My mind goes to Lea Michele, not her character Rachel Berry, but the woman who loves him, and how horrifying this time must be for her.  My mind goes to his family, who staged the intervention that got him to rehab at age 19, and especially to the sober man who fought and lost.  However this man, (this celebrity, this actor, musician, singer, loved one, son, brother, and lover) passed on….I hope it was gentle.  I hope it was kind.  I hope you were met with grace and love as you should be, not just because you deserve it, but because we all do.

Just posting the blog “Crossing the Line” was addressing how I would feel at a similar loss, and I cannot imagine the grief that is being felt at this time.  He has inspired me, through his ability to show us a loving and naive character struggling with life and love. Bless you Finn, and thank you Cory Monteith.  You will be missed.

Crossing the line..

Sometimes we are where we are and not able to shift from that place. Perhaps we are feeling something so intensely that we cannot find our way out of the paper bag. We have been taught to step back from others’ necessary experiences, acknowledge it for their journey, and allow things to play out as they need to.

Where is the line in the sand, and what do we do with the very real pain of watching someone we love in pain. After all we are truly human still and our emotions are real. We know that fear is an indication of being on the wrong path. This is something I share with my clients always. There are only two things to experience in truth….fear or love.

Watching someone you love go through the feelings necessary to heal them is extremely difficult. When do we step in? Is there a time to step in? I believe the line is when there is a life or death situation.

Okay, lets examine that….we know, that life never ends. Is it not then the choice of the person whether or not they want to opt out? Is death an experience of change or an experience of ending…and what is that end?

What I know is that life never ends. That here in this world we experience a physical life, and have an experience of physical death. What does opting out do for us?

I don’t feel that we are punished, that we go somewhere to suffer if we have not finished our life here. I don’t feel that we will create horrible karma for ourselves. However, I am reminded of something a friend of mine said to me not too long ago. I over-heard him talking about Gary Zukav. Gary Zukav was a very important beginning to my spiritual journey, as I felt my beliefs were being shown back to me in his books. I cannot quote exactly what he may have said here, but the gist is: those that choose to opt out, are not harming themselves so much as creating a void.

If you think of “A Wonderful Life” with the actor Jimmy Stuart, he asks that he was never born, and an angel comes and shows the character what life would be like if he had never been born. This is the result of opting out. It is not that we are punished for our choice, but that we are now absent. The ghost in the room, so to speak (hopefully, not the actual ghost in the room). I think that we would realize significantly that our reality on this side was just one of the things we agreed to experience before coming here.

So, here is the puzzle. If I have a soul contract with you, and you choose to opt out, are you now missing from my scenario or was my soul contract to have you missing and experience that??

I think in the end, that we can look at these experiences as having multiple layers and multiple realities….does this make opting out okay? I cannot even consider the amount of pain and loss I would experience if someone I loved chose this. I cannot think of it because it brings the highest fear possible to me. I cannot act from fear. This is the one thing I have learned that possibly can help any situation.

No matter how you feel, how fearful, how painful, how lost….ask…ask for someone to help raise your light. Having just consulted with one of the most respected channels I am aware of, I received my answer. Here and now I know that my job is the same as it has always been.

Use my words to raise the light, not allow the dark to be spoken, but to speak the truth that I know, regardless of what the belief is of those that are even the closest to my heart. To pretend or to hold back that light is not helping myself or any other. This world needs the light to bring awareness to the fear.

Fear is our illusion, what we put into play for our experience, but the game has changed. We do not have to live in fear. We can change that into love and light. I know this to be true and my words will be comforting, loving, and light….

To those I love the most in this world, you know who you are:

There is light around us, beautiful and loving. We are capable of being lighter beings who choose happiness and wholeness over pain and illusion. Only you can choose this for yourself, but I will not speak of pain to you, for you are only love to me. You are beautiful and I love you with all of my heart. You ARE capable of a good life, a strong life, a beautiful life, a happy life….you do not have to stay where you are in your head. I hope you will allow me to help you in love….not in fear…fear cannot be our way. The only way through is to acknowledge our light and allow that to grow within ourselves.

Special thanks to Lee Harris and the Z’s for answering my question today. Namaste.




Curiously enough, I was watching an interview video with Dustin Hoffman this morning regarding his role in “Tootsie”. I know this is floating around the media right now because of the emotion displayed in the video (it was originally posted in 2012).

Why are we so interested in the emotional response of others? Whether it be joy, fear, pain, anger, or sadness….when any person shows emotion we are drawn to that. Any video can go viral, if you just display enough of one of these emotions.

Hey, watch this kid go totally nuts on ecstasy! Hey, look at this woman fall down the stairs! Look, this man is crying!!!!

Here is what I think we feel:

We watch the kid on ecstasy and feel the following: fear (holy crap! what is going to happen to him), elation (wow! I wish I could feel like that..just once!) shame (what a douche! when really that was us last weekend)

We watch the woman fall down the stairs: fear (omg…is she dead?) elation (I am so glad that wasn’t me!) shame (I shouldn’t be laughing at this…others getting hurt is not funny)

We watch the man who is crying: fear (what the hell is wrong with this guy!) elation (thank god I don’t cry in public!) shame (I don’t cry in public, but I cry at home….I’m an ass!)

I see a trend. The reason why we are so fascinated with emotion in others, or emotion itself is because we have polluted the water (so to speak). We have for the longest time been told that emotions are bad, they are private…you don’t bring them to work, you don’t display them for others to see, you hide them from the people who are even closest to you. We get our emotional fix by watching others who display their emotions….books, movies…tv shows…youtube videos….

We watch people we admire have emotional break-downs and then throw trash at their heads. We applaud when they go to rehab or get psychiatric help, and at the same time they are never quite as good as they were before. Not as shiny, pretty, bold, strong. These are the illusions that we set up not only for ourselves, but ten fold for everyone else.

What Dustin Hoffman “confesses” (that is the word used by the media) is that he realized by playing the role of “Tootsie”, that he had been judging women by their outer appearance and that had cost him the friendship, companionship or even love of some women he would really have liked to spend time with.

He is emotional in the interview…very much so, even though you can see he is trying very hard to hold back the flood gates. It is beautiful to watch.

Why do I think Dustin Hoffman crying on a video is beautiful?

My dad never cried when I was young….he was born 1941, grew up in the 50-60s, when men did not show their emotions. I saw him cry a total of two times before I was 40. He is 72 this September and he cries freely with me on the phone, although I can feel him trying to hold back the floodgates. What opened him to feel, was the passing on of his wife.  So many years, but that is what it took.

In my marriage to my ex-husband, if I should cry about something, he would be quick to tell me to stop and not to cry in front of my children…it would upset them. I don’t show a lot of my feelings: pain, fear, etc….I don’t even try to hide them, it has become automatic….they turn into anger if I even try to talk about them though.  I am learning to process first and speak later.

Sometimes feeling our emotions can be overwhelming. Frightening. What will people think? Will they be afraid of me? Will they think I am weak? What happens if I cry at work? Will I get fired?

One of the things we are definitely feeling now is emotional, we are here to have a human experience and humans have emotions. The problem has been that we have forgotten that, and have built impossible rules around emotions: Never show anger = I will eventually have explosive anger.  Never cry at work or in front of your children, your parents, your girlfriend…whomever = I never express my feelings because I am too afraid to do so. This causes us to keep our emotions locked away where they fester and become distorted, and can ultimately cause illness.

We then classify this as mental illness.

What is mental illness? Mental illness is what we refer to when a person has an illness that involves emotions and chemicals that the brain controls. The brain is an organ…the most important organ in our body. Without proper brain function all of our systems are in jeopardy. Our brain is the machine, the battery that sparks and ignites our synapses, and allows us to use energy to send messages to the rest of our body….mostly without concentration or even “thinking” about it. It allows us to be alive. When someone is viewed as “brain-dead” they are considered dead. They are kept alive by machines, because their “machine” is no longer working. The body remains alive, but there is no activity in the most important organ of the body.

The brain is like a sponge….it is constantly learning new things…it learns about emotions and emotional discord…it learns depression and it remembers. Once thought processes (pathways) are created through experience, we can relive them….the brain has it on file. Once the brain learns to be depressed it will more likely reoccur. It remembers.

What we need to change is how we experience our emotions. Hiding our emotions, squashing them, pretending they are not there…causes the emotion to morph and become something that we only have shame for in this society. Mental illness is a physical illness with physical and mental symptoms that can ultimately result in death. The stigma around emotion and mental illness only makes this worse.

We can reteach ourselves. The brain remembers. It remembers happiness and sadness, elation and fear, depression and stability. We are the creators. Emotions are so important to us, to who we are as humans. Feel your emotions….you will discover when you feel them and face them, and deal with them….it is so much easier to be human. The emotions pass….they don’t stay locked up waiting to become the tornado that crushes your life. They go….and you are safe and whole, and the brain remembers.