I have long been drawn to certain books, movies, poetry. Darkness. I preach the light now, but I have been drawn always to the dark. The sting of familiarity, the pain of remembrance, the closeness I have felt to the characters. The deepest pain helped me to release my own. The most raw and open encounters were a mirror to my own expression of the dark pain I hid inside myself.
I am still drawn to certain pieces of dark expression. You may notice this blog includes the dark and light side of myself, as well as life. It’s the expression of the war that sometimes still resides inside me. The war of the wounds v. the light. The light heals, but sometimes I prefer to wait out the day with the blinds closed against my own salvation. I prefer the quiet gloom to the sunny, social vibe. The dark keeps the secrets.
I have many favorite movies I would watch over and over for their dramatic quality and painful moments. The movie Philadelphia was one I would watch to help me alleviate my own feelings of pain. My favorite scene: Tom Hanks listening to beautiful but anguished opera; turning painfully into his own personal dance with death and loss. Tragic and beautiful. The music, the cinematography, the acting. Raw enough to evoke the tears I needed to shed.
Although Philadelphia was not a violent movie per se, the acts upon the character in the movie were acts of hate. The virus that battled the character’s body was insatiable in its quest to end it’s host’s life. It ended in death.
Action films, murder mysteries, tv shows such as: The Vikings, TrueBlood, Dexter, The Americans, Criminal Minds, 48 Hours, Locked Up, American Horror Story, The Killing, The Following, Spartacus….you get the idea. These are my chosen favorites. If you were to watch them you would see much blood, gore and killing. I also like the sci-fi channel, Natgeo, the History channel, cooking shows, and romantic comedies….I hope that helps.
My favorite authors of fiction are: Stephen King, Dean Koontz, Anne Rice, Edgar Allen Poe….again, you get the idea.
My favorite style of music: alternative, punk, emo….I think by now, you get the idea.
If I were to be judged by what I choose to watch, read or study….what would you think? Feel free to fill in the blank.
What is the truth? I grew up in a violent household were drugs and alcohol and abuse were normal ways of being. At a very young age, I was extremely neglected and abused physically, mentally, and sexually. I grew up in pain, in silence, and eventually anger. However, my heart survived. I survived.
I survived, but did not learn to live. I was depressed, melancholy, sometimes suicidal, angry, and afraid of everyone, and almost everything. It has taken years of conventional therapy, many therapists, and 4 years of an extremely painful physical disorder to help me see light. It is the work I do with energy, and my ability to help others that has given me my life back. I can honestly say that only 1 of the many therapists I have had since the age of 14 has been any help. When I reached her, I was distraught with pain and confusion over what was happening to my body. She felt it was unimportant and detrimental to my well-being to re-live any trauma, and began teaching me relaxation techniques for my mind and body. She followed me through my experience of awakening to the light, and acknowledged my progress along the way until she pronounced: “You don’t need me.”
Has violence in television, movies, and books ever made me violent? No. Was the true violence inflicted on me damaging to my sense of self, my ability to express myself, my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual well-being. Yes. I am not just a survivor; I was once a victim. I also carried my victim flag high for all to see.
Now, I suppose I am a survivor, but more, I am a teacher, a counsel, a friend, a loving soul who has healed many wounds within myself, and helps others to learn to heal themselves. It has never been the fiction that has hurt me. Not the movies, the tv shows or poems. The violence came from hands that were meant to be there to love me. Did tv, movies, or books influence the violence that took place in my family. No. The people who were abusive and ill in my family …were sick. I did not carry the abuse down to my children, but I was not a perfect parent. I was a parent who had a lot of fear of the world, and worry about the safety of my own children. I was a fearful parent. I worried excessively over my children. Did this affect them…of course it did. Did I try to hurt them. No. That was the last thing I would want, and yet you cannot hide damage as deep as mine was. Of course, it touched our lives.
Although, I may have used sad movies or stories to release some of my own personal feelings that were locked up inside me….it was through tears and emotion that I shed these feelings. Would another person see these images or hear these tales and resort to violence or abuse to demonstrate their own inner feelings. Yes. I definitely feel there is a relationship to the expression of damaged feelings and damaged relation to images of violence and written word. However, the damage must exist to begin with, the desire to act upon the feelings that already exist. Art imitates life. Does life imitate art? Art is the self expression of a human reality into a fictional reality. We hurt each other when we are hurt or we hurt each other when we cannot feel.
In the television show, Dexter, Dexter Morgan is a serial killer. He was 3 years old when he was locked in a storage container full of his mother’s blood after she had been murdered within his and his slightly older brother’s view. Dexter is adopted by a police man on the scene, who we later find out was having an affair with his mother. At a young age, Dexter’s adoptive father realizes that Dexter is a sociopath and teaches him to kill without being caught. He gives Dexter a code to live by: only kill those that deserve it, other killers, rapists, drug lords, etc. Dexter eventually ponders the thought that if his father had not taught him to kill…. could he have gotten help??
I guess we won’t know….this is the last season of Dexter. He has always been the hero of the story with a “dark passenger” in tow. It will be interesting to see what becomes of him in this last season, but he will be missed.
Dexter is an example of a tv show that could shape a young or sick mind. His character was taught to kill, and cover up the traces, by a law official. Talk about permission.
I can honestly say, I have never killed anyone. I don’t plan on starting anytime soon. I would guess that the risk factor for me to inflict violence on others would be staggeringly high. No thank you.
Today, I seek the light, the knowledge of the new, and exciting day before me… I accept the responsibility of myself, my life and my words and actions. I forgive myself and any other who may have harmed me in the past and I am free. The experiences I have had in my life eventually brought me to the light. The acceptance of myself, the love of myself and others, the ability to share my experiences without shame in my heart, and bring good to the foreground of my life. The dark is on the back burner these days. I find life full of a little bit of everything and I don’t need a butcher knife to express myself. Instead, I choose deep breathing, meditation, and soul searching. I share the truth here. The dark and the light. I’m not afraid of either.
I am still watching the last season of Dexter!
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