Expect the Unexpected


Did you ever notice that it is only when you feel that you are done with something, that you are faced with that very same thing?  Here it is…*BOOM*!!

Wait!  I just finally got past that in my life..really, c’mon!

Oh, well…so, now this THING, this person, this situation, this experience in life that you thought you were done with….here it is hitting you smack dab in the middle of your third eye, and you are saying…nope, been there done that!

Expect the Unexpected!  Because just when you completely don’t even think along the lines that you used to….here it is again….whatever this THING is…it is a part of your BEing…how you got here, who you left behind, or even who carried you.

Hello, again! It looks like #@$%&*, but it is truly a gift.

A few weeks back, I was shown that I would be dealing with some childhood issues (memories) that would come up for me.  They have and I have been very good at seeing it for what it was, is, and will be…just experiences that I have (eventually) used to make my life the best it can be.  Still working on it!  So, no surprise for me to find that the things that I would never have guessed would happen should be suddenly right in front of me!

It’s here, so that means that Source has a reason for me to look at it again.  Yes, it is someone and something from my past that has not been healed, but I thought I had finally made my peace with it, and moved on.

The other part of all of this is, that every interaction is a 2 way street.  There is never only a one-sided exchange.  We get what we get.  Whenever you feel that you are giving more than you are getting…take a quiet look at the situation.  The frustration may be just that you are not seeing what it is you are actually receiving from the interaction.

One thing I do know is that, in a million years, I would of never expected this particular person to contact me in any way, and yet…..

So, what now?  Nothing now.  That’s what.  It’s not mine.  If someone is compelled in some way to contact me, I will allow it.  What am I getting on this level now?  Just the idea that perhaps it is time for this to resolve itself, in some way.  Whatever it is..it is unexpected, but I will not give it more weight than it needs.  I will not add anything to it other than a quiet contemplation of why it is being presented in the first place.  Like I said, it is a gift, perhaps an opportunity to heal something….and perhaps it is just what it is.

The key to any situation that occurs when we are caught off guard is to NOT run with it.  Quiet contemplation first….action or no action follows.  Nothing happens without the action part, but it’s not mine….it’s not my need to complete any action in this place and time.  I did that A LOT previously.  I am busy and busy is good…being busy is good if what you are learning and doing is enjoyable and heart-centered.  I have so much more work to do on myself, I don’t have the time to over-think things anymore…and that is a GOOD thing.

I would have obsessed on the meaning of this small interaction, but I have made peace with this, and honestly, I need to do what is right for myself and whole for my person.  I know that the meaning will be revealed to me, and that I do not need to worry about it.  Which in itself, is the most free I have ever been.  No need to waste any more time worrying about things I have no control over.

No need to spend too much time seeking answers that I don’t need.  I’m happy.  I’m happy in a real way, better than any other way.  I am also tired.  lol….the work I am doing can be draining at times, and I get tired often.  I have to take care of this body if I am going to continue this work.  Rest is something I need in a big way.  So, I take it.  I watched an Abraham-Hicks video on youtube where the channel was about being lazy and how if Source incarnated here….(the part that is not already here), Source would prefer to just do nothing!

We don’t take the time to cultivate what it is we need now.  Instead we focus our attention on the past or in the future, constantly struggling to undo the past, and constantly worried about securing our future.  What about right now? What about this moment.  Are we being today the way we should be:  just being, just living, just enjoying, just loving this gift we have…ourselves and our lives.

Things we need to know and learn will sometimes come up from the past…things we need to realize sometimes set future events in motion.  Without the realization of these things we find ourselves stuck and not moving forward.  I am living today in my moment, not questioning or caring why or what….just being, just being grateful and filled with happiness that I have this moment to be grateful for.  Whatever my past needs to tell me will be revealed through all the time I spend being clear and fulfilled with now.  Whatever future I am creating, it will mirror my contentment with things as they are.  I don’t need to chase any rainbows or hunt down my answers.  I just need to be here and now, for now.

Today is my present, I forgive myself and any other that may have harmed me in the past

The past cannot affect my present

I live in today and I am grateful for

My home, wife, children, granddaughter, my friends Kristy and Brownie, my family and all my really, really good friends who support what it is I do.  I am ready to be here and now, and to allow all good things to flow easily and gently to me.  I am receiving support and acknowledgment from the highest Almighty Source.  I am confident and content, secure and solvent.  I share my abundance with all who are near and dear to me.  My family is ONE collective.

Namaste.

Free me….


“Free me, free me, free me from this world…”

I am here to announce as of Saturday, May 25, 2013 at 3:12 pm EST, the slate has been wiped clean!! What does that mean?? Good question!! I can only tell you that our interpretation (myself and two others present yesterday at a portal opening), is that we are free to build the life we seek. In fact, not only are we free…we are responsible to do so. First, let’s go over a few things….

Building a life of our dreams is completely and totally possible at this time….whatever you want can be built!!

However, there is a catch…always is…we are not building for ourselves….we are building for EVERYONE!! This is the responsibility clause…build it! Build it, but build it with the world in mind, as whatever it is you are building will be what is created in this world NOW!! Be mindful of your thoughts and actions more so now, than ever before. The way is open, but building only for yourself will NOT work!! That is to say….building for just YOURSELF in the fashion of only securing abundance or finances or anything for you and YOU ONLY…will not work. In fact, I believe that not seeing ourselves now as a whole…(not just individuals in a world of many individuals, but to recognize ourselves as truthfully connected to all life…and everything here is life)…will be a huge blow back for the persons who cannot put their best foot forward for the sake of the ALL, the ONE, the Collective. It will not be allowed!

So, lets recap, plain and simple. Take care of yourself first….

Wait a minute…didn’t I just say build for others? Yes! Build YOUR hopes and dreams and fantasies of abundant life, whatever that means to you….for EVERYONE!! In order to do so, you must take care of yourself first. By honoring yourself in a way that most people do not do anymore: plenty of rest, plenty of clean, filtered water (not soda, coffee, sugary juices, frothy beverages…save these for a treat once in awhile), nutrition….(my biggest struggle), quiet and mindful space holding….meditation, reiki, tai chi, nature walks…, a holistic approach to work, family, responsibilities…realize you must be a whole person to build to begin with. It is okay to be a “work in progress”, but BE the work in progress!

We have work to do, my friends! Have you ever wanted a do-over? Have you ever thought…if only I knew then…what I know now…well, that’s okay. Here is your chance!! What do YOU think we should build? What do you think this world should look like….remember you are building for everyone. So, what does the world need? Think deeply, think often and think softly.

(channel)

“Grace, is by means, much more powerful than aggression. Be brave enough to face yourself and your beliefs, your enabling of others to keep their heads in the sand. YOU hold the keys to your desires, it is in your heart and in your hands. It is YOU that holds the life in your hands, creator! The infinite life, a cause for greatness, implementing the design and the will and action of ALL.”

Bring it!

Punk goes Acoustic


I finished watching a video on the Met’s “Punk: Chaos to Couture” extravaganza and I have to admit that I waxed nostalgic for a few moments.  Ahhh…punk where have you gone?

If you could see me, if you could truly see me…you would see ripped jeans, a vintage Ramone’s t-shirt, chucks, tattoos, piercings, and a glaring neon mohawk.  Oh, the days!

That is what I look like inside.  On the outside, I am some of that and the rest of who the public needs to see, and then who I need to see.

Just for the record, I already wrote this blog post once, but I guess it was not exactly what it should be (?) because it did not save.  I thought ehhh!!  I have to write it again, but as I do so….well, I see a bigger picture than just a few minutes ago.

This is not about me, although it started that way, as most of these writings do.  Here on the virtual page we express our experiences, and how they effect our thoughts and feelings in our world.

Today, I am looking at several people, myself included. I see a friend as well as my younger daughter, and I see that the words that will come out here will have weight and purpose.  So, a quick thanks to all that support this endeavor of mine to speak the truth…whatever the truth looks like.

I am 42 y/o, overweight, handi-abled, shaved head, loud and proud Being.   Proud of who I am in this society, but also proud of who I’m not.  I have shifted greatly with this shift and see those around me going through the struggle of shedding their outer layer…so to speak.

“We are in a time of integration.  Integrating many selves into a more “whole” self.  We are many forms in many planes, and exist simultaneously within ourselves.”

*So, for the audience I just want to interject that my blog has been semi-highjacked by Source, so the sudden change of topic (or not) is something I am allowing and accept.  I just wanted the disclaimer that this is channel.

I will continue in this style while typing channeled information.

“Realize that you have come here for a reason, you know that you are recognized as your truth, and that your endeavor to solicit attention to this channel is recognized.  Thank you for not interfering with the flow.  I assume you have taken precautions for the truth and only the truth to manifest within, and I acknowledge adhering to these mandates.  Thank you again for understanding the magnitude of the information and how it must be adapted to the general audience’s view.  No reason to feel shy.  We do not bite.  (laughter)

Realize, once again, that you have been chosen to relay this message, and that it is you who must do so.  Proceed with your original plan to allow testimony to the truth and all will be well.

I know that you are somewhat afraid still of the impact of these words on this audience of yours, but please, rest assured you are given whatever it is you need to accomplish this task.

We appreciate your sincerity and your ability to step aside for the greater good.  Thank you for your patience.

Dear audience thank you for receiving us this day, as I hope it finds you well.  We rejoice in the many who are following this thread and the need you have to discover the truth of yourself as we knew you would.

There are times that have been most difficult, recently, in your world, and you have struggled greatly.  Fear not this presence now that you feel, as it is for your benefit only.  Realize that you are capable of any decision you need to make for yourself and those you care for.  Remember that they are part of the Source itself, and part of the knowledge of BEing, part of the revolution of the whole which has sought to be ONE once more in physical as well as here in the light.  You remember once you had a dream of the many and the many spoke the same.  You are becoming one with your own now, and this is a very intricate process that you benefit from greatly.  This process can be taxing as your physical body stretches to accomodate most of your true essence, and your belief in your own abilities to transform yourself, your life your motivation for living itself!  Be open to the new, as it is your true way.  Do not deceive yourself into believing that you are experiencing these memories for no reason.  All is within you. You ARE the light and the guide as well as the truth, and you will come around again soon…knowing, debating, challenging these changes these beliefs, and insecurities will flare.

Think what you will, but it is futile to remain closed off to Spirit.  What you possess is yourself, nothing more, nothing less.  Open up to it, and you will be greatly surprised at the result.  Shrug off the old, relieve yourself of these burdens.  They are only self-imposed, only brought on by your own misguidance and illusion. You can leave this behind at any time…what will you create with your new abilities?  We are all waiting to see.  I know you can do this!  I am so happy for you and all of us are grateful for the challenges you endure for the greater good.  There is no need to justify your freedom, only acceptance is required.

Thank you again for your permission and your patience.  We are very honored to know you and to keep you in our company. “

That was nice actually, I was not entirely expecting it, but I am also being told to record it in voice.  I guess it is time, as I have been trying to do this for so long, and having difficulty doing so.  Amazing really.  This ride of ours gets better and better…please feel free to come along!!

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions


One of the things I have always been good at, is making decisions.  I am very impulsive, but work great under pressure.  Some of the people closest to me, are terrible decision makers….and it drives me crazy!!!  I am a person of action.  I have considerable difficulty waiting for anything!  A phone call, an answer, someone needing to make a decision….waiting, waiting, waiting….  It is not a wonder that my illness has slowed me down considerably. It is not surprising that whenever I get it in my head to start running around, doing, doing, doing….Source will put me right down again.  I am a hard player, and a stubborn student!  In truth I have learned quite a bit, but it is oh, so easy to let ego take over, and put me once again in the position of needing to be STOPPED!!!

I often advise clients to begin meditation.  I do this because I know that quieting the mind is as powerful, even more powerful than taking action!  We are doers….always looking to manipulate our situation to what we “think” is best for us.  That is the problem right there…too much thinking.  We have no idea what we are doing, mostly because we are always listening to our own brains rattle and hum.  Are you are person who worries, and has a hard time making decisions??? Or are you more like me…impulsive, very little patience, and quick to take action???  The answer to either situation is the same.  Get out of your own way.  It is not the external presence that makes or breaks us, it is how we react to it, and what we believe about it.

The true action is stillness.  The true thought process is internal and heart evaluated.  SHHHHH!! I’m meditating!

I truly encourage, every person, any person…to try it!  Here comes the thoughts:  I’ve already tried, I can’t do it…I don’t have time for that, I’m too busy….Nothing happens when I meditate….

Okay, I hear you…meditation takes practice, and will.  First you must realize that you are allowed to rest…huh, what?  This insane need to stay moving, and running, and working, and doing…is not getting you anywhere!  STOP!  You are being guided, you can do anything, you are worthy, you deserve rest, enlightenment, happiness, and comfort.  When you are allowing yourself to stop, rest, breathe, and just live, you are ALIVE!  The opposite, is what we think we must be or do.  STOP!!  Seriously, just stop.  Stop the frantic peddling in the wrong direction.

Close your eyes, and allow Source to take over.  Let it all go.  It’s not important.  It’s an illusion.  This peddling is just churning up water, causing discord with your true self.  Let go!!  Realize that there is no other way to know your destiny, except for accepting it.  We don’t always have the answers, but if we believe that all experiences have value, and all experiences are necessary to develop into who it is that we are, then why does it matter?  We are guided, truly, we are.  Every time that we resist the flow, every time we are paddling against the current….we are running away from who we are.  We worry about our course, we put so much energy into paddling, paddling, paddling…..we are creating the situation of worry, and the need to keep paddling in fear.  We are conjuring up a tsunami sized wave.

This is what I tell clients when they are paddling against a tsunami:

Feel it…feel the tsunami rising higher, higher, higher….now, turn your back to it.  What?!  There is a feckin’ TSUNAMI coming!!!!  Turn your back on the wave!!  Close your eyes and feel…feel your fear..allow it to come…its already in progress, so let it go.  Feel it rising, rising, cresting…this wave is going to crash!

Just as the wave begins to crash down, realize that it is not going to hit you!  Breathe out….a sigh of relief!!  Watch the wave crash just outside of you, and feel all the strength of that wave become calm, soothing, buoying energy…..float… now the wave is pushing you gently, you are bobbing nicely in the beautiful sea. Being pushed gently towards shore.  Allow this energy to now flow over you.  Realize this energy is powerful, but gentle.  This powerful gentleness caresses you and allows you complete comfort, and knowledge of the beautiful gift of calmness, lightness, and relaxation.

You just survived a tsunami of your own creation! Congratulations!  You have a choice, you can make a decision here and now; stop creating tsunamis.  Stop paddling!  Allow the smooth, gentle, yet powerful energy to guide you.  Or, even when you encounter large waves….turn your back, and allow them to buoy you.  Stop paying so much attention to things that you find fearful or uncomfortable.  The fear is made in your mind.

Stop listening to your mind, and tap into the quiet, gentle vision of your heart.  Your heart knows you.  Your heart is your life force.  Essentially, our heart beats involuntarily to circulate our blood which provides, food, nutrients, gases (oxygen); everything we need to stay alive.  Our heart also feels, we tend to think that this is an anomaly.  How can an organ, a muscle feel??? Well the rest of your body feels as well.  So, why would it be any different with any other organ/muscle??  Emotion is REAL, and we don’t need to know how or why we feel it.  We don’t need to know why or how our heart sings or aches, we just need to recognize that it does.  Pay attention to your inner-most feelings, they are here to guide you.  If you need help…ASK!!!  Be gentle on yourself.  If the life you are not living does not make you feel ALIVE….stop living it, and choose something else!

Easier said than done, right???  No, its easier done!  Letting go is unbelievably beautiful!  The lightness, the happiness, the understanding, and allowing, and just ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!  It is lovely.   When we finally understand we need to let go, and we do…..you are going to realize that this is so much easier, so much more fulfilling, and those around you will notice too.  Your personal light shines brighter, and others will want to know what you are doing to make this so.  They will recognize this change in you, and want it for themselves.  This is how the collective works.  We are all intrinsically connected.  When we choose fear and running, all of us are fearful and running around.  When we choose calmness, and guidance, all of us are calm and guided.  When enough of us choose calmness and guidance, we will have created a shift.  A shift in energy to create a better, more harmonious, loving world.

Hey, Mikey!  Try it, you just might like it!!

Gravitational Pull Getting the Best of You…


The past few weeks have been like a roller coaster.  Perhaps you are feeling this?  It’s been a rough one for sure.  My body, my mind, my soul, all in flux.  Many questions in my head.  The one thing I can count on, is my heart.  My heart knows the truth, and my experiences these past few weeks, may have, at times, been somewhat difficult….but, honestly, I have had some great experiences as well.

I know it is hard out there right now, life is still as unsure as it was in 2012, the economy is still killing our jobs, and our homes are being relocated.  If feels like someone is pulling the rug out from under us.  I know that this does not seem promising.  You may have heard of the term “the new Earth”, and you may be wondering what exactly that means to us now.  You are not really seeing a change, in fact, if anything, things may look somewhat worse!!

I have to share something, things WILL look worse, there will be a lot of upheaval.  Jobs lost, or left because you feel like you cannot spend another minute doing what you are doing.  Homes foreclosed on, or opportunities taken that force you to relocate.  I am here with a message, “HOLD ON!!!!”

The fortitude that was needed to get this far, is not missing.  We are just feeling spent, feeling tired, wondering what it’s all about…AGAIN!  I know that it looks bleak, but you are in the most powerful time of your life.  The changes that are occurring must occur.  We are being pushed towards our destiny, and you had more to do with it than you think.  Remember, you chose to come here.  That whole thing we put on our parents:  “I never asked to be born!!!”  Ummm, yes, you did.  And what is more, is that we chose our parents, all the events that took place in our lives, and in physical, as adults, we continue to choose.

So, why are we waiting for the world to change?  We have two choices:  we are either going to get involved, or we are going to watch it go by.  If you are watching, that’s okay…it’s your choice, but may I suggest a another possibility?  There are infinite possibilities….and  you CAN choose from any one of them, and if you don’t like that choice you can choose again!!  You have the power to shape your life.  You must shape your life!  This is the time for community to come together…start networking with others of like mind….you must depend on each other for help.  This this is why people built churches and religion, they wanted a community, but some wanted control over that community, and here we are.  Think back to the 60’s minus the drugs and VD….they had something right about love, peace and happiness, man!  You dig?

The world will look like it is going into the shiter, but it is changing, it is changing because we want it to.  You are telling the Universe, hi, can you help me down here, I could use some help….so, we get fired, we are relocated, maybe we are even living in a shelter, don’t know where the next pay check is coming from, have no idea what is coming down the pike next. Hmmmm…what’s happening?  What are we being pushed to do?  Could it be, that we are being pushed to rely on each other again, to trust our neighbor, to help another, to be honest, and ask for help when we need it????

Why would we do those things?  I can’t think why we would do that…I don’t know…it’s not very clear….I don’t get it….that’s stupid…I hate my neighbor….wait!  I’ve been asking Source to allow this new Earth to come, I have been asking Source to help me, I have been asking source to change things so I can do better, be better……hmmmmm.  You have free will, you always have, you can be and do anything you want.  We have come to see each other and ourselves as individuals.  Once upon a time, we knew that our lives depended on our ability to live within a community.  To help raise our children, to take care of our elderly.  People are being pushed back into that space again. The community space.  In our own families.  Children are coming home from college with big loans and no work, families are losing their homes and moving into community housing situations.  Relatives are living with three generations under one roof.  There is NOTHING wrong with this…this was how it was supposed to be.  We have always belonged together, helping each other. The separateness, and polarity that we have been experiencing has caused us pain.  How easy would life be if we worked together, each of us, toward the goal?  What goal?

What goal?

What goal?

What goal?

Only You  Can Decide.

Personal Jesus


I am beginning to get the sense that I will be leaving bread crumb trails, in previous posts, to see where the next post is going.  I mentioned before, that I am not religious, but would at times talk about religion in this blog.  There are certain subjects that I know to be delicate, and to approach with some form of grace.  Religion would be in that category, at least, for me.  What I have decided to do about that was to post a disclaimer, and then just write.  If I am editing myself from saying what I need to, then the point of this blog is moot.

I promised you a REAL blog, from the heart, from the soul, being led by Source.  Well, you are going to get it!!  My disclaimer is this:  I am not religious, I could identify as spiritual, but I more like to say “in energy”.  I have previously identified as the following:  Catholic, Wiccan, Atheist, Angry, and “In Energy”.  The two places I have felt the best are when I was somewhat “naturally” drawn to religion as a child, and now…”In Energy”.  Did I say “In Energy?”

I was raised Roman Catholic, yes there is a difference…what that is, I could not tell you.  I am pretty sure that the Roman Catholics were a wee bit more stoic, but I will research and let you know………I realize, you are hanging on every word.  I acknowledge and respect every persons personal view on religion according to their own needs, and free will.  I have had experiences, most of which have been very recent, that have led me to acknowledge that religion has its purpose, and that faith itself is essential to having a “better” life.  What “faith” means for you, is your business, and I am not here to change your mind, or serve you a bunch of “you are wrong, and I am right”, bs.  Not happening.  This is your time to remove yourself if this will bother you.  Thank you, love you, be kind to yourself and others…..

“Within the Catholic Church there are a number of individual churches, sometimes called rites. One of these is the Roman rite or Roman church. It includes most of the Catholics in the Western world. A Roman Catholic is a Catholic who is a member of the Roman rite.

There are many Catholics in the East who are not Roman Catholics, such as Maronite Catholics, Ukrainian Catholics, and Chaldean Catholics. These are all in communion with the pope, but they are not members of the Roman rite, so they are not Roman Catholics.

The Roman rite is not stricter than these other rights. They are equal. They all teach the same faith; it is only local customs that are different among them.”

I found that information on a site called:  http://www.catholic.com  Catholic Answers

There ya go!!  Okay, back to what I was saying….I am, and have been most comfortable in my life while practicing any form of spirituality as a child, and now “In Energy”.  What I do now, is more connected than I have ever felt.  I have felt what it is to be completely disconnected, completely lost, completely without any belief system what-so-ever.  There was a period in my life of around 5 years after my divorce with my ex-husband, that I completely lost faith in myself as a human being, and in any thought that there was ever or could ever be a god.  It was not the divorce itself that put me in this mind frame, the divorce was necessary, and you may have noticed that I am remarried to a woman.  That is not even the reasoning behind why I got divorced.  In fact, it was my ex husband who pretty much pointed out to me that I was gay….it made a lot of sense at that point.  I really never examined myself as a person with needs or thoughts about myself until I was around 27-28, and then came out when I was 30!  Gosh, did I think I was the only human being who didn’t figure it out until later in life, but luckily enough, I was not alone.  This is for another blog, or not, who knows.  What happened during this time period, what broke my heart, was that these events hurt my children.  My youngest daughter especially, but that is her story to tell.

The reason I want to speak on religion today, is not because I want to quote any religious doctrine, nor to have people look at the things I say as in any comparison to such .  I am no guru, no saint, and certainly am not looking to have any type of following; other than like-minded spirits who want to shed their old skin for something better.  This “work” I speak of, and it is a commonly used term (some like it, some don’t) has nothing to do with what I need to bring to the world.  This work I speak of is the divine work of discovery.  Personal discovery, growth, and happiness.  This is what I choose for myself.  This is what you can choose for yourself.  It is really an no-brainer.  Happy/unhappy…..Happy/unhappy…..Happy/unhappy…. You get it!!  Still, we, as humans flip that unhappy switch faster than mice on steroids!  We are not in an experiment under a glass dome, caged like rats, with the Gods looking down on us “silly humans”.  We are not punished by karma, or riddled with sin, black spots on our souls, nor are one of us the chosen, the few, or the underdog.

Okay, breathe.  It’s okay….you are about to realize something.  Relax.  It only hurts the first time.  Relax.

OKAY!!!!! ARE YOU READY!!!! CAN YOU HEAR ME!!!!????? DID YOU COME TO CLASS PREPARED TODAY!!!???  ARE YOU SITTING UP STRAIGHT, BELLY IN, SHOULDERS BACK!!!!!  TAKE A DEEP BREATH…EXHALE!!!!

How many of you just did that?  Really? C’mon, you know I was kidding, right?  My intention is not to make you perform circus acts, jump through hoops, change yourself for me or any other person in this world.  You DON’T have to do that!  This time I am serious.  You don’t.  You do not need anything that you in your heart do not believe you need.  You are God.  Now, I know you have heard that one before.  You are divine being, spirit incarnate, yes, you ARE the son of God, himself/herself…the daughter, the child of light, the anointed….YOU….ARE….GOD!   No apologies.  Sorry, did you read the disclaimer?

Now that we know we are God…blasphemy, I know!!!  I also told you that would happen.  Listen, relax, take it easy, for real this time.  Being upset doesn’t do you any good, open yourself up to the idea that we are free.  We are free in Source, and in light, and we have the power of choice, free will.  Even religion will tell you that.  YOU have FREE will.  YOU=FREE….you are free.  That is not so bad, is it?  Being free, knowing you have power over your own personal destiny.  Knowing you CAN make the changes necessary for yourself that make your heart sing.  Knowing you are worthy of these things.  Knowing you deserve happiness.  Acknowledging that, believing that, honoring that, owning it as your responsibility.   Wait a minute, I thought we were free??  What’s this responsibility stuff???  I knew this was a trap!

We, as humans, have a tendency to look externally for our answers, this is not all bad.  It is when we are looking externally, and we set expectations for others, and their roles in our lives, that we are disappointed.  There is no such thing as: “YOU” don’t make me happy anymore, or It’s all “YOUR” fault.   Nope.  That is what my aunt would refer to as a copout:

cop-out also cop·out (kpout)

n. Slang

1. A failure to fulfill a commitment or responsibility or to face a difficulty squarely.
2. A person who fails to fulfill a commitment or responsibility.
3. An excuse for inaction or evasion.
Many, many times in my childhood did I hear my aunt making this statement to my mother.  My mother was ill, both mentally and physically.  She was not a good parent.  She could not give us a descent childhood, and I love her.  Not in the way that broke my heart when I was younger.  I love her with the freedom that my heart now holds, knowing now what I know.  What I know is that every experience I have had in my life, whatever label I choose to place it under, was the reason, the catalyst, for me to want to help others.  Until now, I was never as successful as I would like to be, when I was “helping”.  When I say successful, I don’t mean financially, I mean that when I did help, it did not last.  There were also times that I could barely help myself.  Now, I know the difference, now I know that for me to be of help to anyone, I must first help myself.
I used to see thinking of the self as “self”-ish, now I know better.  We often accept words and beliefs that degrade us.  Beliefs that make us feel less than.  We choose to not feel emotion, often numbing ourselves with different things: food, alcohol, drugs, sex…..even Energy can be a way of numbing oneself to the reality of our physical existence.  Energy CAN be addictive.  We are here for the express reason of experience.  We are here to experience this human life, to allow ourselves these experience.  We feel because we have come here, and that there is pain here, that we are being punished.  Cast out, cast out of eden, cast out of heaven, that if we don’t come to class prepared, belly in, shoulders back…that we will FAIL.  We will fail, and then we will never have whatever we are supposed to have when we leave this Earth.  Whatever THAT is.
I need to tell you that your reward, the reward you want comes now….Happy/unhappy…Happy/unhappy…Happy/unhappy…..
What is it you want?  Your choice.  Yours.  There is no, “I can’t because”…., there is only, “I won’t because…”  YOU can do anything.  That is what you are here for.  If you have a beating heart in your chest, use it!!!  Stop numbing yourself, feel your emotions, realize there are people here holding out their hand to you…asking, “What is it you want?”  I believe in you.  I believe in myself.  I believe we are all divine spirit incarnated into physical life, through our own free will.  We are here to experience….we are not the class…we are the teachers!!
Namaste.
Laura