The Raw and the Cooked meets redemption.

There are two things I promised myself and readers when I began to write this blog.  First, I would be completely honest.  This is not a difficult choice for me, as I cannot seem to be otherwise, almost to a fault.  Second, I would bring the light and the dark part of myself into my posts.

See, we walk a fine line between being human and self-realization in human form.  The things we experience (both good and bad, right and wrong) are all valuable experiences.  The most dark times, when things are ending for us, are truly a beginning of another phase of life.  Knowing this, does not make us any less pained or reactive at times.  Sometimes it can even give us what we need to let go and take the plunge into that dark, deep, cold water….knowing we will resurface ever stronger.

The other day, when I wrote “The Raw and the Cooked”, it was rather self-serving.  I knew it was ugly, but I was in pain and so, I said:  “Here it is, my dark, how do you like it???”  I wrote it almost like a child’s story….Once there was….and the girl who was now a woman…etc.   This was an attempt to make it even more ugly than it stood on it’s own.

I wrote it  to be confusing….you sometimes didn’t know, which girl, which woman was being pointed out in the story.  This is to show the way history repeats itself, and how one abused child, who tried to break a cycle, became part of a world of abuse for another child. The story is dark, nasty and honestly no attempt at showing my ability as a writer.  Just my struggling ability bring the dark into the light and burn the judgement away.

Judgement is something we all do everyday….this apple tastes better than this orange.  This person is dressed nicer.  I shouldn’t do that, that makes me look like an ass….I will wait until no one is around, and then I will do it!!

We are creatures of habit, we do what we do when we feel pain….drink, exercise, talk, cry, scream, eat, smoke…..write.  I have always uses writing as an outlet.  A way to pull out the darkest bits of me.  A way to examine something and see it for all its gnarly barbs and pointy sticks.  There are times when I write something now, and say….why did you post that?  Well, that certainly isn’t going to help business!

I have to laugh, because no matter how hard another judges me, I will judge myself ever harder.  There is no other reason for me to do what I do, except to help myself and others.  That is what I do.  I spend my own time in judgement, of myself, of others, of whatever.  We all do, we sit in judgement.   What flavor ice cream?  This one is gross, that one is good…..every flavor has value.  Every experience has value.  Every person has value.

Here is where I use my own words to heal myself…”Every person has value.”  This is the hardest thing I will ever say, but it must be said:  If every person has value, then so does the boy who was angry.  See, I thought I had brought to light my ability to forgive him for the things that he did.  It was then that I realized, it was far worse than I had ever hoped or imagined.  The boy who was angry, was angry because he was abused and neglected.  He took his victim-hood out on others.  I wore my victim-hood (and still do), like a suit of armor.  Or, as I am reminded by some words that someone once  said, not directly to me…but I got it…and often think of it:  “Don’t wear your wounds like a badge!”

Now, I must see it, feel it, and walk myself through it.  Now, I must sit in judgement of myself, and realize that a) there was nothing else that I could do or b) I just didn’t know how or c) I didn’t try hard enough.

I say:  all of the above.  Perhaps I am guilty of all three.  Perhaps I was just ignorant and afraid.  Perhaps…

Judgement.  This is what a great spiritual reader and new friend told me I would be dealing with.  Judgement is so large in my life at this moment….it’s big, it’s dark, and it’s ugly.  This is the time of facing my demons, and bringing them to rest for the moment.  I have work to do folks!

So, whatever you may think about me, or my blog, or anything else for that matter.  Please remember when it seems the darkest, and we are the most weary, is when we are doing the hardest work of our lives.  This is the darkest place that we will go, and every one of us will have to do so to walk into our own light.  If we want to fill the space inside with light, we have to get the sludge out.  There are easier ways, but I have always been on the dramatic side…so, eh, well…..what can I say.

I apologize to the little girl.  It doesn’t mean much, but I am sorry.  I am sorry that I couldn’t protect you.

Here is to being human!

May the road rise up to meet you,

May the wind be always at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face;

May the rains fall soft upon your fields,

and until we meet again

May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

For the sake of clarity, toast with whatever you think you should toast with!

Getting Bent

I took some time to think about writing about this, and I believe I took enough time to be able to talk about this in a calm manner without dredging up the past to the point that I react to it again.  I have PTSD, but have not had a symptomatic episode for almost two years until a few days ago.  Once I was practicing with energy daily, my symptoms just were not there anymore, and I did NOT expect it when it happened.

The trigger was pure emotion.  I was never afraid to cry, but with PTSD adrenaline was always there to fuel me before I could get to the crying.  It was not until the adrenaline wore off that I would sob.  If you know anything about PTSD, it is a dark, and angry road of a primal response gone rouge.  The natural instinct to fight or flight (and freeze), will kick in when there are dire circumstances.  In PTSD that trauma that created the situation has over sensitized the body, and this adrenaline response happens with very little pushing on that trigger.  It could be a word, a small action, a gesture, something in a movie, or just a personal issue.  This was a personal issue….I didn’t know why, but I was extremely over the top upset that day, barking at my wife, snapping at a friend and then sobbing for hours.  I later learned that there was a huge influx of solar flare energy hitting the Earth at that time.

One minute I was apologizing for being over emotional and crying, asking for help, and then click!  There goes that trigger.  If you want to envision pulling back that hammer go ahead…just remember after you point the gun at everyone else, you eventually point it right at your own head.  That is the closest I can get to telling you what it feels like.   Sheer rage, pain and panic. Once that adrenaline wears off, you are depressed and humiliated.  It is like waking up from a dream, and you say, “Did that really happen, or did I dream that?”  Only this time it really happened, and you only wish you dreamed it.

When you are in a PTSD episode no one can say anything to you.  My wife tried the “Do you think you may be over reacting?” only to get “NO!  What do you mean I’m f%#$@*g over reacting?  Do you really think I would be this upset over nothing…are you f%#$@*g kidding me?”  On and on and on and on….I raged.  I really don’t know how I have any relationships at all with this disorder.  It is a cruel taskmaster for sure.  You say and do things you would not do if you were only in your right mind.  The problem is you go from 0-60 in 3.3 seconds on a high octane fuel cocktail that will make you think you can smash your fist right through a wall or better yet someone’s face.  Yep.  That bad.

Normally, I can catch myself when I am triggered….I will say or do something horrendous, and then I will run.  I will run as far and fast as I can go (which really is not far these days….maybe to the couch?)  I do this to take myself out of the situation, and allow the adrenaline rush to subside so that I can think clearly again.  That didn’t happen.  I just ranted and ranted and worked myself up, and ranted again, and worked myself up more….

Then, I ran. Not physically, but mentally….I ran all over the internet cutting myself off from this group, from groups I actually formed myself…I left my own group!!  Bananas!!!!

Okay, what Gwen Stefani, is not saying here is….that’s my shit..ooohhhhohhh…that’s my shit.   Yes, this IS MY SHIT!  It’s all me, it’s mine, I own it, don’t even try to take responsibility for it…ooohhhhohhh….that’s my shit!   So, during the actual spiral into insanity….I am Gwen Stefani in this video (I wish!)  After the insanity spiral is over and I “come to” it’s all just shit…ooohhhohhh…that’s my shit!

See, everything I say is not inspiring and pretty.  You can apologize for this type of behavior, maybe you have even warned your friends that you have PTSD…just incase, but no one really knows until you blow, and when you blow, you are like a freight train bearing down the tracks and the people around you are tied to those tracks, and they see you coming, but they never manage to get out of the way fast enough.  Ooohhhohhh…that’s my shit, that’s my shit!

I HAD to share this post.  I had to because I promised to be honest with my audience, to show my dark and my light….my dark and my light.  My dark has helped me to seek the light, but I still carry it with me and for me to get anywhere with it, I have to acknowledge it, examine it…..figure it out.  I have to accept that it is there, and not just stick it in a closet somewhere hoping it doesn’t get out.  Here I am, I acknowledge you, I may not be proud of you, but you are me….we are each other, and I take responsibility for you.  I know you are not gone now, not hiding, or healed, just waiting….for the right moment….waiting to come into the light.

My chemical romance and Me/Mama/Is there light without dark…..

Hello, everyone!  I realized this morning, after a night of little sleep, and much meditation, that I had opened up a new way of reading….fantastic!!  Well, new to me….this is what happened:

To give you a quick minute of back story, I have been chronically ill for four years.  I have an undiagnosed muscle/movement disorder, and now see a specialist in Boston, one of the best in the country.  It took me four years to find her.  Really, by now, my own story is boring to me, but I realize a bit of explanation is in order.  The disorder came on gradually over a period of 9 months, only I didn’t do much about the symptoms….I saw a red flag, and kept going…by the time I got to a physician, the symptoms were full blown, and I was petrified.  I was losing my ability to walk, move my limbs, speak, and I had terrible pain.  Fast forward four years later…..I have had ups and downs, cried tears, laughed hysterically, and found a new life.  Pain is still here, sometimes I cannot walk at all, sometimes I walk just fine…..mostly, I walk with difficulty.

In place of the physical, mental and emotional came to rule.  Maybe too much emotional.  I was depressed, angry, and generally at the bottom of my proverbial barrel.  Life was hard, and I was making it much harder.  Little did I know, there was this other plan in motion that I never understood was really happening…until…it happened.

I won’t go into the boring detail (it’s really not boring, and you WILL want to know, but today, lets get back to our subject at hand)…lets just say something not short of a “miracle” happened and cracked me open like a walnut!  It sounds painful…it was, it is, and I love it!!

So, a funny thing happened on my way to a meditation this morning….I hadn’t slept and couldn’t….I may have mentioned a movement disorder, well, unfortunately I have to take medication to keep functional, and it’s not small potatoes..these meds could kill someone!!  Lately, I’ve been a little foggy….memory fuzzy, fatigue, sleep is easy come, easy go….all symptoms of a sleep depraved individual.  I am so setting myself up here, but it’s all in good faith!!  If you can’t make fun of yourself, it just hurts when others do….wait….??

Okay, My Chemical Romance (are you paying attention?)….I love alternative music….now known as emo or emo-alternative or whatever..who cares….this video Mama….love itttt!  Yes, I will soon be preaching to you to love your neighbor and give them a hand up, no worries!!  You get it all here.  See, there is no light without dark….sit out on the beach in the blinding sun long enough and your skin will sear, blister, and slough off! I went to nursing school, I can say slough with a straight face.  The ice in your tropical drink will melt, and you will be left with watered-down fruit-juicy syrup…somethin’ like the kool aid they warned you about!  Watch that stuff….

Last night after realizing I had forgotten to take my nightly med count, I realized it was far to late to take the regimen, and needed to tough it out…brilliant!  I think I created this account somewhere around 3 am.  This mmmmorning….after a couple hours of sleep, my morning medicine, and a phone conversation with my daughter…I remembered that I downloaded around 100+ songs onto my iphone, and decided to give a listen.  Up to this point, I maybe had a dozen songs…just for a maybe I will need something to listen to sometime, someplace thing…I don’t get out much!!  So, typically if I am listening to music it is in it’s full glaring beauty…much to the chagrin of my neighbors.  Only during daylight hours, folks!!

Uh hmmm…where was I, yes, I never ..never.. never.. listen to music on my iphone…until today.      So, having made that statement, I will make another….I read as an Energy Intuitive (what we used to call psychic), and receive and deliver messages through channel.  Yes, that is really what the blog is about…are you just coming in?

Today, I “read” the music, no, not sheet music, THE music, and as I am sitting here, I am wondering how long have I been able to do this??  It seems simple enough given all that I have discovered about myself thus far….You would think I would have clued you in by now….

The “miracle” was that I began to do this work, quite by accident. When I say work, it has been a major roller coaster ride, and when I refer to it being painful…it was, and I do know, that I am going into ANOTHER ramped up state of it….11 weeks worth, of pure kick-ass psychic wallop.  Let me get this out there while I still have time!  Today, the music, much like what I see intuitively…had beautiful waves of energy, colors, lights, and information….yes, that is right…information.  Information that I can only think is energetically connected to the songs, and their writers/singers, etc.  You would be surprised at what I saw…how, can this “dark” music produce such light?  And, why does this “dark” music speak to me…why do I crave it’s emotional intensity, and sometimes harsh look at the world?  Because it’s fun!!  Yes, I said it…dark can be fun!!   Mostly, however, as we see the actors (because they are actors, sorry guys), play out the scene we expect from them….we get a release… of pent up emotion, and get to see our dark sides at play.  No one…no one here on this Earth is all light…..we are only varying degrees of ourselves, and the human condition holds beauty in all its dark and all its light, it holds purpose, and experience…valuable experience….whoa!!  Put the crosses down!  I know, I know, I know!!  Yes, that IS what I am saying, and somewhere along the way, there is a light that goes on and says:  all your experiences, all your ups and downs, your lows, and highs…these experiences, without them…who would you be?

People, through adversity, move mountains….no one, does squat after a day playing volleyball on the beach, and a big, fat meal with two cocktails to celebrate.

You picking up what I’m putting down?  What moves you, is what matters!  What moves you?  What will make you live, instead of survive?  What makes you feel something….a loaf of white bread and a bottle of charodnnay?…mmmmm….that makes me want to save a life!!!  Nope, that puts me bloated, tired, and snoring on the couch.  You don’t mix medication and booze, anyway…what are you thinking???

So, this is my introduction to you.  Hello!!  Here we will explore it all. Not just the fluffy, white stuff, not just 1001 mantras until you cannot mantra anymore, but the REAL.  Because it IS real, all of it, and all of it has purpose, and so it must be voiced!!

Thank you for reading…or listening..or both.