Judgement.


The Raw and the Cooked meets redemption.

There are two things I promised myself and readers when I began to write this blog.  First, I would be completely honest.  This is not a difficult choice for me, as I cannot seem to be otherwise, almost to a fault.  Second, I would bring the light and the dark part of myself into my posts.

See, we walk a fine line between being human and self-realization in human form.  The things we experience (both good and bad, right and wrong) are all valuable experiences.  The most dark times, when things are ending for us, are truly a beginning of another phase of life.  Knowing this, does not make us any less pained or reactive at times.  Sometimes it can even give us what we need to let go and take the plunge into that dark, deep, cold water….knowing we will resurface ever stronger.

The other day, when I wrote “The Raw and the Cooked”, it was rather self-serving.  I knew it was ugly, but I was in pain and so, I said:  “Here it is, my dark, how do you like it???”  I wrote it almost like a child’s story….Once there was….and the girl who was now a woman…etc.   This was an attempt to make it even more ugly than it stood on it’s own.

I wrote it  to be confusing….you sometimes didn’t know, which girl, which woman was being pointed out in the story.  This is to show the way history repeats itself, and how one abused child, who tried to break a cycle, became part of a world of abuse for another child. The story is dark, nasty and honestly no attempt at showing my ability as a writer.  Just my struggling ability bring the dark into the light and burn the judgement away.

Judgement is something we all do everyday….this apple tastes better than this orange.  This person is dressed nicer.  I shouldn’t do that, that makes me look like an ass….I will wait until no one is around, and then I will do it!!

We are creatures of habit, we do what we do when we feel pain….drink, exercise, talk, cry, scream, eat, smoke…..write.  I have always uses writing as an outlet.  A way to pull out the darkest bits of me.  A way to examine something and see it for all its gnarly barbs and pointy sticks.  There are times when I write something now, and say….why did you post that?  Well, that certainly isn’t going to help business!

I have to laugh, because no matter how hard another judges me, I will judge myself ever harder.  There is no other reason for me to do what I do, except to help myself and others.  That is what I do.  I spend my own time in judgement, of myself, of others, of whatever.  We all do, we sit in judgement.   What flavor ice cream?  This one is gross, that one is good…..every flavor has value.  Every experience has value.  Every person has value.

Here is where I use my own words to heal myself…”Every person has value.”  This is the hardest thing I will ever say, but it must be said:  If every person has value, then so does the boy who was angry.  See, I thought I had brought to light my ability to forgive him for the things that he did.  It was then that I realized, it was far worse than I had ever hoped or imagined.  The boy who was angry, was angry because he was abused and neglected.  He took his victim-hood out on others.  I wore my victim-hood (and still do), like a suit of armor.  Or, as I am reminded by some words that someone once  said, not directly to me…but I got it…and often think of it:  “Don’t wear your wounds like a badge!”

Now, I must see it, feel it, and walk myself through it.  Now, I must sit in judgement of myself, and realize that a) there was nothing else that I could do or b) I just didn’t know how or c) I didn’t try hard enough.

I say:  all of the above.  Perhaps I am guilty of all three.  Perhaps I was just ignorant and afraid.  Perhaps…

Judgement.  This is what a great spiritual reader and new friend told me I would be dealing with.  Judgement is so large in my life at this moment….it’s big, it’s dark, and it’s ugly.  This is the time of facing my demons, and bringing them to rest for the moment.  I have work to do folks!

So, whatever you may think about me, or my blog, or anything else for that matter.  Please remember when it seems the darkest, and we are the most weary, is when we are doing the hardest work of our lives.  This is the darkest place that we will go, and every one of us will have to do so to walk into our own light.  If we want to fill the space inside with light, we have to get the sludge out.  There are easier ways, but I have always been on the dramatic side…so, eh, well…..what can I say.

I apologize to the little girl.  It doesn’t mean much, but I am sorry.  I am sorry that I couldn’t protect you.

Here is to being human!

May the road rise up to meet you,

May the wind be always at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face;

May the rains fall soft upon your fields,

and until we meet again

May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

For the sake of clarity, toast with whatever you think you should toast with!

The Comfortable Truth


What does it take for one to be comfortable within their own skin.  Confidence?  Reassurance?  Pride?  Parental affirmation? Peer acknowledgement?  Peace with our God/dess?  Love from our muse?

BEing is being comfortable with everything, within, without….the expression of love is where we reside.  How is this accomplished?  It is a lifetime journey that ebbs and waves, and presents challenges to this comfortable feeling all along the way.  Why?  Why can’t we just find bliss and stay there.  Why must we continue seeking the silver chain attached to this miracle?

We don’t.  We have choices, we have free will, we have much to learn about who we are, and if we don’t want to walk the walk, we don’t have to.  We can stay in our own self-imposed prison, we can beat ourselves up, cry ourselves to sleep, wear “Life is Crap” T-shirts (I used to do that all the time ;)….before I became an inspirational speaker…eh hemm..).  Okay, moving forward….

Recently, I almost gave up…in fact, maybe that was only a few sentences ago.  Instead, I am going to write here to tell you to NOT give up on yourself!  There will be days like this…there will be weeks like this…there may even be years like this…, and we have all been there.

I think there are many ways of looking at things, some may believe their “mentor” should be flawless or better yet, a martyr…We get that in God, don’t we?  The infallible Godhead, the martyred child.  I am not God, but I am, but I’m not, but I am….and so are you.  If we are fashioned as man in the form of God….then so god must be flawed.  No?  Why not?

If God were flawed, we could not give ourselves over to him, or put it in his hands, or blindly be lead with no responsibility to our own selves or each other.  God is Mighty, All-Knowing, All-Seeing.  We shall not question, for it is not ours to question, but to follow.

Sorry, I am going to say it: W-R-O-N-G!!  Okay, okay…..I hear you.  You need this.  You need to be PERFECT in his eyes, so that you may enter the pearly gates some day.  Rain check, please!! That my friends, is setting yourself up for complete and total failure.  And, if you fail….you will keep coming back to redeem yourself…keep putting the money into the basket….keep confessing how horrible you are….keep atoning for the very purpose you were born for.

Hmmm?  What you talkin’ bout, Willis??  No, I am not saying run wildly through society with utter abandonment for rules, regulations, and personal safety to all.  This is not a free ticket to kill your neighbor, or your neighbors cat, or do anything heinous to anyone or any living thing.  Do I need to high-light this?…Okay…Do not be an idiot.  Enough said.

Frankly, you are here for your own personal experiences that you as spirit, the collective Source, the God-spark,the light have chosen.  I have done the same.  I have come here, cocky and self-assured.  When I got here, I don’t think I knew just how hard it would be.  I spent many, many years suffering through it.  The choice is always ours.

I know that I could walk away right now…this minute…but I won’t.  I do not mean that I would no longer be here, but that I could change anything I want to right now, but I won’t.  Do I sound convincing enough?  I made a self-imposed oath to Source, the collective, the God-head, myself, the Universe.  I know all I have to do is say NO!  I can change my mind at anytime, but I won’t.

As hard as some days will be, as stressful as all that we are going through, will go through, will build again…will experience, I will not give up.  As much as I want to sometimes give up, give in, crawl under a rock…I will struggle until the end…the end of what….I have no idea. All I ask is that you struggle beside me.  Struggle to get out of bed, do your life, do whatever…struggle to write an inspiring poem or letter, or paint something beautiful because you can.  YOU can fill the world with beauty, with art, with self-expression AND be flawed!!  The light does not come from obtaining a place of perfection.  The light comes from the struggle.

Now is the time…the time of the creators, the time of us, the community, the meek, the strong, the heroes, the derelicts, the bold, the blighted, the downtrodden, the bright and the beautiful to step up.  Step up and acknowledge yourself and your truth, even if that is not comfortable.

Only Human…


Have you ever seen the show Being Human?  It’s not the best show, but for some reason I like it.  I’m a bit of a Sci-fi nerd.  I love the idea of something other than human, mostly because I feel so weak as one.  Being human sometimes feels abnormal.  I sometimes wonder what other species could be out there in the Universes.  When I grew up in the 70’s we were taught that there was 1 Universe.  Just one, ours.  Science told us so, and so we believed it so.  Forty-two years later Science tells us there are 100 billion Universes….with the possibility of other life up in the trillions!!  

Trillions. Yes, trillions….I said trillions!!  That is A LOT!

I used to say things such as:  “Honestly, how ridiculous are we to believe that we are the only planet, the only existing planet that holds life?”  I also said:  “If we really believe that we are the only “ONES”, and that we are the highest of intelligent life form, then we have failed miserably.”  Wow!!  I told you this girl had dark!

I honestly have to tell you that some days are darker than others and that I am struggling with that right now.  Struggling with my personal identity and my purpose.  I remain true to my purpose, but feel weak.  I remain guided, but I feel alone.  I remain an instrument of Source, of god, of whatever beautiful energy I have committed myself to.  I still believe.  I have complete faith in Source, and what they see for me.  It is only myself that stands in the way of total surrender.  The total surrender will come and soon.  To be 100% honest, it is only my own fear that is holding me in a state of unknowing.  I KNOW this.  As a human I feel weak.  In energy connected to life, responding to the sacred, accepting this in my heart has made me much stronger.  Yet, I feel weak.

I have strength….not of body, but of will, and I have allowed all that will transpire to transpire, and I feel weak.

I have great friends who call me and have wonderful conversations with me, and light up my entire world….I feel so much better in their presence.  I know what they tell me is true.  I know I can trust their words, just as I know when I cannot trust another.  I know a significant shift and change is happening, and when it is finished that nothing will be the same again.  I am waiting to embrace this change and all changes that come with it for me, and every other person.

Not everyone knows that sometimes the person that gives encouragement, light, and love to others is just as human as they are.  We are only human.  We are allowed to see what we see, hear what we hear, speak what we speak because of a commitment we made to aid and uplift ourselves and others.  This is how I see it.  I always ask for all involved to be uplifted.  The homework that I am giving myself this weekend is to discover why I feel responsible for everything.  Why do I not heed my own truth and take care of myself first as others do?  I encourage my clients to do EXACTLY this.  It is so important.

The “work” we do is not about saving others…it is about giving a hand up, and helping to empower them to be exactly who it is they want to be.  I am no savior!  I am no guru!  I encourage each person to use their innate gifts and free themselves.

Here is the catch.  You do not just do this once.  There is no magic wand.  You must take responsibility for your own personal journey.  Take responsibility for your own life, yourself.

I take responsibility for my own personal journey, I accept that Almighty Source has my best interest. That if I should call, Archangel Michael will walk with me.  I know, I know.. that I will always be taken care of.  I want for nothing.  I trust completely that all that transpires is for the greatest good of all involved, and I appreciate that there are reasons for everything.  I know that all that I have felt through this journey is true and that all that I feel now is also true.  I have been told to take care of myself, to rest, to eat right, to do what it is I need to for myself.  I have ignored that and kept old habits of chasing my tail trying to control the outcome of situations when I know that it is moot.

Being human is okay.  If you really want, you could put on some blue tights and a cape….why not?!  I won’t tell!

Being human can be difficult at times, but that is why we have each other.  We have our network, our friends, our loves, and our families.  We have so much and so many.  We are here for each other.  I like people, I love people….I cherish the connections I have with loving and kind friends.  My strength comes from humility and reverence for life and these experiences.  I am weak at times, and that is okay.  I am weak of body, even sometimes of mind, but I have strength in heart, in spirit, in energy.  I have strength when I need it and when I cannot have strength then someone else is strong for me.  I am lucky to have that in my life now.  I am beginning to feel comfortable with letting others take over for awhile.  To trust and know that others will be there when I cannot fully be there.  Because I have weakness….weakness of anger and doubt and fear….it comes, it goes, it comes, it goes.  It’s not an eruption like PTSD…I have acknowledged that and it has stayed quiet.  Its just a fear of losing control over something, or of not having control over how things change.  Yet, I trust.  I trust enough to be totally honest about my weaknesses, my challenges, my pain.  My peace!  I can achieve this peace….its just doing it.  Owning what it is you need and acquiring it.  Breathing.  Living. Feeling. Experiencing. Being. It takes a lifetime of practice and guts.  To stand up to yourself for yourself. To acknowledge you are the only one responsible for all that you touch.

Heavy, I know.  However, it doesn’t have to be.  It is only our own selves that cause the suffering we feel.  The loneliness and loss.  The isolation, the inability to connect out of fear. It’s only our fear, our illusions about ourselves and our lives that keep us here.  The house of mirrors.  Let’s get outta here!  Become aware, become awake, shake off the illusions of fear and defeat.  Stand up, rise up, get up!!!  Let’s get outta here!!!  Are you with me?