Getting Bent

I took some time to think about writing about this, and I believe I took enough time to be able to talk about this in a calm manner without dredging up the past to the point that I react to it again.  I have PTSD, but have not had a symptomatic episode for almost two years until a few days ago.  Once I was practicing with energy daily, my symptoms just were not there anymore, and I did NOT expect it when it happened.

The trigger was pure emotion.  I was never afraid to cry, but with PTSD adrenaline was always there to fuel me before I could get to the crying.  It was not until the adrenaline wore off that I would sob.  If you know anything about PTSD, it is a dark, and angry road of a primal response gone rouge.  The natural instinct to fight or flight (and freeze), will kick in when there are dire circumstances.  In PTSD that trauma that created the situation has over sensitized the body, and this adrenaline response happens with very little pushing on that trigger.  It could be a word, a small action, a gesture, something in a movie, or just a personal issue.  This was a personal issue….I didn’t know why, but I was extremely over the top upset that day, barking at my wife, snapping at a friend and then sobbing for hours.  I later learned that there was a huge influx of solar flare energy hitting the Earth at that time.

One minute I was apologizing for being over emotional and crying, asking for help, and then click!  There goes that trigger.  If you want to envision pulling back that hammer go ahead…just remember after you point the gun at everyone else, you eventually point it right at your own head.  That is the closest I can get to telling you what it feels like.   Sheer rage, pain and panic. Once that adrenaline wears off, you are depressed and humiliated.  It is like waking up from a dream, and you say, “Did that really happen, or did I dream that?”  Only this time it really happened, and you only wish you dreamed it.

When you are in a PTSD episode no one can say anything to you.  My wife tried the “Do you think you may be over reacting?” only to get “NO!  What do you mean I’m f%#$@*g over reacting?  Do you really think I would be this upset over nothing…are you f%#$@*g kidding me?”  On and on and on and on….I raged.  I really don’t know how I have any relationships at all with this disorder.  It is a cruel taskmaster for sure.  You say and do things you would not do if you were only in your right mind.  The problem is you go from 0-60 in 3.3 seconds on a high octane fuel cocktail that will make you think you can smash your fist right through a wall or better yet someone’s face.  Yep.  That bad.

Normally, I can catch myself when I am triggered….I will say or do something horrendous, and then I will run.  I will run as far and fast as I can go (which really is not far these days….maybe to the couch?)  I do this to take myself out of the situation, and allow the adrenaline rush to subside so that I can think clearly again.  That didn’t happen.  I just ranted and ranted and worked myself up, and ranted again, and worked myself up more….

Then, I ran. Not physically, but mentally….I ran all over the internet cutting myself off from this group, from groups I actually formed myself…I left my own group!!  Bananas!!!!

Okay, what Gwen Stefani, is not saying here is….that’s my shit..ooohhhhohhh…that’s my shit.   Yes, this IS MY SHIT!  It’s all me, it’s mine, I own it, don’t even try to take responsibility for it…ooohhhhohhh….that’s my shit!   So, during the actual spiral into insanity….I am Gwen Stefani in this video (I wish!)  After the insanity spiral is over and I “come to” it’s all just shit…ooohhhohhh…that’s my shit!

See, everything I say is not inspiring and pretty.  You can apologize for this type of behavior, maybe you have even warned your friends that you have PTSD…just incase, but no one really knows until you blow, and when you blow, you are like a freight train bearing down the tracks and the people around you are tied to those tracks, and they see you coming, but they never manage to get out of the way fast enough.  Ooohhhohhh…that’s my shit, that’s my shit!

I HAD to share this post.  I had to because I promised to be honest with my audience, to show my dark and my light….my dark and my light.  My dark has helped me to seek the light, but I still carry it with me and for me to get anywhere with it, I have to acknowledge it, examine it…..figure it out.  I have to accept that it is there, and not just stick it in a closet somewhere hoping it doesn’t get out.  Here I am, I acknowledge you, I may not be proud of you, but you are me….we are each other, and I take responsibility for you.  I know you are not gone now, not hiding, or healed, just waiting….for the right moment….waiting to come into the light.

Can Anybody Find Me… Somebody toooooo…..

Ladies and Gentlemen, please stand for the talented, the gifted, the magnificent Freddie Mercury

There is always something to be said for the person who stays up late to write themselves a love note….who does that??

Well, I’m doing it, and why not, don’t I deserve it?  The time on my blog here is incorrect and I cannot for the life of me figure out how to change it to Eastern time.  Now that I have acknowledged it, I’m okay with it.  That is how most things happen these days, you recognize an issue, identify it to others, and upon said identification, the issue is resolved.  Really?….really!!  Truthfully, what took us weeks or months, or even years to identify within ourselves has become almost instantaneous.

What I can tell you, is if you are not paying attention you can create blockages in the same manner.  It is seriously not a time to be screwing around out there.  We are the creators of our destiny in every sense of the phrase…what we do, what we say, what we think…becomes our reality.  Honestly, this has always been so, it just took us more time to create it.

If you have not already noticed some changes, you will have no reason to deny these changes by mid-March.  The changes I speak of are happening everywhere around the world.  People fear change because it is unknown.  I choose to embrace these changes.  Since I have embraced change, I have only scratched the surface of who it is I am.  We will have challenges to overcome, this I know for sure.  The changes we will undergo will stress our need for community.  That is why community is now an idea that is being embraced just as easily as some are embracing these changes. You will soon come face to face with this for yourself.

If there is someone you should be kind to, someone you need to shine a little bit o’ light onto right now….that’s YOU!  Now, I know that I said this blog would be real.  It would focus on the dark and the light, don’t worry, I’m not about to let you down.  I also have nothing to say here that should scare anyone.

WE are not lost, but you will find that things will look darker before the light shines again.  This is not to say that there will not be a helping hand every step of the way.  When you come to a better understanding of how this process works, you may realize that some of this change can be somewhat difficult . Especially if you are not prepared for it.  I had no idea what was happening to me, and every day was not the energetic waltz.  It was more like tripping over your own shoelaces during a line dance, and causing a domino effect among all the other dancers. Stay strong, my lovlies!

Nothing is about to go smoothly, so when I say it is time to write yourself a love note, take my advice.  The best way through this is with all the self-love you can muster.  If you want energetic connection, you have to get rid of the life time of (maybe sometimes well intended) sometimes traumatic messages we have heard over our lives.  The messages that once were spoken to us, and then heralded by ourselves up to the heavens.  No job?  You’re lazy.  Overweight?  You’re a glutton.  Covered in mud?  You’re dirty.  Hey, I was gardening!!!!  Yeah, that’s right!!  With organic compost!  Is there another kind?

Anyone can tell you anything, and when we are young we listen.  Now, we are adults.  We have a choice.  Do you want to play that tape over and over and over again?  Good.  You don’t have to.  If you were interested in playing that tape just one last time….you would be playing it, and not reading this.  We all know that that one last time is always at the end of the bottle, not the beginning, on the last slice of cake, not the first, on the crumbled up pack, and not the first smoke, on the last score, or the last high, the last bet, the last drink, the last binge, the last bit of hell we can put ourselves through…until, we’ve had enough.

I had enough.  I had enough smokes, drinks, icecream tubs, sex, anger, depression, heartache, hate, pain, blame….I’ve tried a lot of ways to ignore my feelings, and I still work on it.  My body, my mind, my emotional, spiritual, mental, physical, energetic self needs LOVE.  I will take it above anything else. Without it, I am just a pile of bad decisions, mistakes, last chances, and lonely nights.

Now, here is the difference between what I propose and what you call being “saved”.  YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TRADE ONE ADDICTION FOR ANOTHER!!  Most of what we do, is trade one thing to obsess about for another thing to obsess about.  Here is how to tell if you are doing that:

Does it make you happy?  Truly happy, like you want to dance happy…all the time happy!!

Does it set you free? Like I can do whatever I want free, and I choose to do such awesome, loving acts of kindness to bestow upon myself free. 

Because I love myself.  Yeah, you heard me.  I don’t have a problem with it.  Do you?

This is how much:

Dear Laura,

I know that you have spent a lot of time thinking about all the trials that you have encountered over the years, and that you can appreciate each for its significant experience in your life.  I am so glad that you have chosen to release all pain and fear around these small incidences in your life.  You have so many years ahead to live a healthy, vibrant life, and I am so happy that you finally know just how much you deserve this.  Thank you for recognizing this at the most important time in your life.  You are very smart, and I am so glad to have you leading me, and making such good choices.  I admire your ability to face your fears openly and for learning all that you have from doing so.  Thank you for deciding that you are worth financial freedom, and the ability to treat your body with love and nutrition.  I know you are taking on as much as you can do for yourself right now, and you will definitely reach all your goals in time.  You are very patient and believe in yourself.  I don’t know anyone more honest, caring and loving than you.  You take care of yourself above all others, because you know that if you do not, you will not be able to take care of anyone else.  Because you are generous by nature Source has gifted you with abilities that you can share with others. It is this that makes you want others to empower themselves, and you are only better for that.  You receive every comfort in life, because you are ready to except this.  I am proud of you, and I love you!!!!

I could go on for days!!  I would be embarrassed to write this at any other time in my life, but I am releasing those old ways, as many times as I have to.  I am doing this because I am learning to love myself, and honor myself, and I will NEVER go back!!

Can anybody find mmeeeeee…somebody tooooo……..LOVE!

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

One of the things I have always been good at, is making decisions.  I am very impulsive, but work great under pressure.  Some of the people closest to me, are terrible decision makers….and it drives me crazy!!!  I am a person of action.  I have considerable difficulty waiting for anything!  A phone call, an answer, someone needing to make a decision….waiting, waiting, waiting….  It is not a wonder that my illness has slowed me down considerably. It is not surprising that whenever I get it in my head to start running around, doing, doing, doing….Source will put me right down again.  I am a hard player, and a stubborn student!  In truth I have learned quite a bit, but it is oh, so easy to let ego take over, and put me once again in the position of needing to be STOPPED!!!

I often advise clients to begin meditation.  I do this because I know that quieting the mind is as powerful, even more powerful than taking action!  We are doers….always looking to manipulate our situation to what we “think” is best for us.  That is the problem right there…too much thinking.  We have no idea what we are doing, mostly because we are always listening to our own brains rattle and hum.  Are you are person who worries, and has a hard time making decisions??? Or are you more like me…impulsive, very little patience, and quick to take action???  The answer to either situation is the same.  Get out of your own way.  It is not the external presence that makes or breaks us, it is how we react to it, and what we believe about it.

The true action is stillness.  The true thought process is internal and heart evaluated.  SHHHHH!! I’m meditating!

I truly encourage, every person, any person…to try it!  Here comes the thoughts:  I’ve already tried, I can’t do it…I don’t have time for that, I’m too busy….Nothing happens when I meditate….

Okay, I hear you…meditation takes practice, and will.  First you must realize that you are allowed to rest…huh, what?  This insane need to stay moving, and running, and working, and doing…is not getting you anywhere!  STOP!  You are being guided, you can do anything, you are worthy, you deserve rest, enlightenment, happiness, and comfort.  When you are allowing yourself to stop, rest, breathe, and just live, you are ALIVE!  The opposite, is what we think we must be or do.  STOP!!  Seriously, just stop.  Stop the frantic peddling in the wrong direction.

Close your eyes, and allow Source to take over.  Let it all go.  It’s not important.  It’s an illusion.  This peddling is just churning up water, causing discord with your true self.  Let go!!  Realize that there is no other way to know your destiny, except for accepting it.  We don’t always have the answers, but if we believe that all experiences have value, and all experiences are necessary to develop into who it is that we are, then why does it matter?  We are guided, truly, we are.  Every time that we resist the flow, every time we are paddling against the current….we are running away from who we are.  We worry about our course, we put so much energy into paddling, paddling, paddling…..we are creating the situation of worry, and the need to keep paddling in fear.  We are conjuring up a tsunami sized wave.

This is what I tell clients when they are paddling against a tsunami:

Feel it…feel the tsunami rising higher, higher, higher….now, turn your back to it.  What?!  There is a feckin’ TSUNAMI coming!!!!  Turn your back on the wave!!  Close your eyes and feel…feel your fear..allow it to come…its already in progress, so let it go.  Feel it rising, rising, cresting…this wave is going to crash!

Just as the wave begins to crash down, realize that it is not going to hit you!  Breathe out….a sigh of relief!!  Watch the wave crash just outside of you, and feel all the strength of that wave become calm, soothing, buoying energy…..float… now the wave is pushing you gently, you are bobbing nicely in the beautiful sea. Being pushed gently towards shore.  Allow this energy to now flow over you.  Realize this energy is powerful, but gentle.  This powerful gentleness caresses you and allows you complete comfort, and knowledge of the beautiful gift of calmness, lightness, and relaxation.

You just survived a tsunami of your own creation! Congratulations!  You have a choice, you can make a decision here and now; stop creating tsunamis.  Stop paddling!  Allow the smooth, gentle, yet powerful energy to guide you.  Or, even when you encounter large waves….turn your back, and allow them to buoy you.  Stop paying so much attention to things that you find fearful or uncomfortable.  The fear is made in your mind.

Stop listening to your mind, and tap into the quiet, gentle vision of your heart.  Your heart knows you.  Your heart is your life force.  Essentially, our heart beats involuntarily to circulate our blood which provides, food, nutrients, gases (oxygen); everything we need to stay alive.  Our heart also feels, we tend to think that this is an anomaly.  How can an organ, a muscle feel??? Well the rest of your body feels as well.  So, why would it be any different with any other organ/muscle??  Emotion is REAL, and we don’t need to know how or why we feel it.  We don’t need to know why or how our heart sings or aches, we just need to recognize that it does.  Pay attention to your inner-most feelings, they are here to guide you.  If you need help…ASK!!!  Be gentle on yourself.  If the life you are not living does not make you feel ALIVE….stop living it, and choose something else!

Easier said than done, right???  No, its easier done!  Letting go is unbelievably beautiful!  The lightness, the happiness, the understanding, and allowing, and just ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!  It is lovely.   When we finally understand we need to let go, and we do… are going to realize that this is so much easier, so much more fulfilling, and those around you will notice too.  Your personal light shines brighter, and others will want to know what you are doing to make this so.  They will recognize this change in you, and want it for themselves.  This is how the collective works.  We are all intrinsically connected.  When we choose fear and running, all of us are fearful and running around.  When we choose calmness, and guidance, all of us are calm and guided.  When enough of us choose calmness and guidance, we will have created a shift.  A shift in energy to create a better, more harmonious, loving world.

Hey, Mikey!  Try it, you just might like it!!

Personal Jesus

I am beginning to get the sense that I will be leaving bread crumb trails, in previous posts, to see where the next post is going.  I mentioned before, that I am not religious, but would at times talk about religion in this blog.  There are certain subjects that I know to be delicate, and to approach with some form of grace.  Religion would be in that category, at least, for me.  What I have decided to do about that was to post a disclaimer, and then just write.  If I am editing myself from saying what I need to, then the point of this blog is moot.

I promised you a REAL blog, from the heart, from the soul, being led by Source.  Well, you are going to get it!!  My disclaimer is this:  I am not religious, I could identify as spiritual, but I more like to say “in energy”.  I have previously identified as the following:  Catholic, Wiccan, Atheist, Angry, and “In Energy”.  The two places I have felt the best are when I was somewhat “naturally” drawn to religion as a child, and now…”In Energy”.  Did I say “In Energy?”

I was raised Roman Catholic, yes there is a difference…what that is, I could not tell you.  I am pretty sure that the Roman Catholics were a wee bit more stoic, but I will research and let you know………I realize, you are hanging on every word.  I acknowledge and respect every persons personal view on religion according to their own needs, and free will.  I have had experiences, most of which have been very recent, that have led me to acknowledge that religion has its purpose, and that faith itself is essential to having a “better” life.  What “faith” means for you, is your business, and I am not here to change your mind, or serve you a bunch of “you are wrong, and I am right”, bs.  Not happening.  This is your time to remove yourself if this will bother you.  Thank you, love you, be kind to yourself and others…..

“Within the Catholic Church there are a number of individual churches, sometimes called rites. One of these is the Roman rite or Roman church. It includes most of the Catholics in the Western world. A Roman Catholic is a Catholic who is a member of the Roman rite.

There are many Catholics in the East who are not Roman Catholics, such as Maronite Catholics, Ukrainian Catholics, and Chaldean Catholics. These are all in communion with the pope, but they are not members of the Roman rite, so they are not Roman Catholics.

The Roman rite is not stricter than these other rights. They are equal. They all teach the same faith; it is only local customs that are different among them.”

I found that information on a site called:  Catholic Answers

There ya go!!  Okay, back to what I was saying….I am, and have been most comfortable in my life while practicing any form of spirituality as a child, and now “In Energy”.  What I do now, is more connected than I have ever felt.  I have felt what it is to be completely disconnected, completely lost, completely without any belief system what-so-ever.  There was a period in my life of around 5 years after my divorce with my ex-husband, that I completely lost faith in myself as a human being, and in any thought that there was ever or could ever be a god.  It was not the divorce itself that put me in this mind frame, the divorce was necessary, and you may have noticed that I am remarried to a woman.  That is not even the reasoning behind why I got divorced.  In fact, it was my ex husband who pretty much pointed out to me that I was gay….it made a lot of sense at that point.  I really never examined myself as a person with needs or thoughts about myself until I was around 27-28, and then came out when I was 30!  Gosh, did I think I was the only human being who didn’t figure it out until later in life, but luckily enough, I was not alone.  This is for another blog, or not, who knows.  What happened during this time period, what broke my heart, was that these events hurt my children.  My youngest daughter especially, but that is her story to tell.

The reason I want to speak on religion today, is not because I want to quote any religious doctrine, nor to have people look at the things I say as in any comparison to such .  I am no guru, no saint, and certainly am not looking to have any type of following; other than like-minded spirits who want to shed their old skin for something better.  This “work” I speak of, and it is a commonly used term (some like it, some don’t) has nothing to do with what I need to bring to the world.  This work I speak of is the divine work of discovery.  Personal discovery, growth, and happiness.  This is what I choose for myself.  This is what you can choose for yourself.  It is really an no-brainer.  Happy/unhappy…..Happy/unhappy…..Happy/unhappy…. You get it!!  Still, we, as humans flip that unhappy switch faster than mice on steroids!  We are not in an experiment under a glass dome, caged like rats, with the Gods looking down on us “silly humans”.  We are not punished by karma, or riddled with sin, black spots on our souls, nor are one of us the chosen, the few, or the underdog.

Okay, breathe.  It’s okay….you are about to realize something.  Relax.  It only hurts the first time.  Relax.


How many of you just did that?  Really? C’mon, you know I was kidding, right?  My intention is not to make you perform circus acts, jump through hoops, change yourself for me or any other person in this world.  You DON’T have to do that!  This time I am serious.  You don’t.  You do not need anything that you in your heart do not believe you need.  You are God.  Now, I know you have heard that one before.  You are divine being, spirit incarnate, yes, you ARE the son of God, himself/herself…the daughter, the child of light, the anointed….YOU….ARE….GOD!   No apologies.  Sorry, did you read the disclaimer?

Now that we know we are God…blasphemy, I know!!!  I also told you that would happen.  Listen, relax, take it easy, for real this time.  Being upset doesn’t do you any good, open yourself up to the idea that we are free.  We are free in Source, and in light, and we have the power of choice, free will.  Even religion will tell you that.  YOU have FREE will.  YOU=FREE….you are free.  That is not so bad, is it?  Being free, knowing you have power over your own personal destiny.  Knowing you CAN make the changes necessary for yourself that make your heart sing.  Knowing you are worthy of these things.  Knowing you deserve happiness.  Acknowledging that, believing that, honoring that, owning it as your responsibility.   Wait a minute, I thought we were free??  What’s this responsibility stuff???  I knew this was a trap!

We, as humans, have a tendency to look externally for our answers, this is not all bad.  It is when we are looking externally, and we set expectations for others, and their roles in our lives, that we are disappointed.  There is no such thing as: “YOU” don’t make me happy anymore, or It’s all “YOUR” fault.   Nope.  That is what my aunt would refer to as a copout:

cop-out also cop·out (kpout)

n. Slang

1. A failure to fulfill a commitment or responsibility or to face a difficulty squarely.
2. A person who fails to fulfill a commitment or responsibility.
3. An excuse for inaction or evasion.
Many, many times in my childhood did I hear my aunt making this statement to my mother.  My mother was ill, both mentally and physically.  She was not a good parent.  She could not give us a descent childhood, and I love her.  Not in the way that broke my heart when I was younger.  I love her with the freedom that my heart now holds, knowing now what I know.  What I know is that every experience I have had in my life, whatever label I choose to place it under, was the reason, the catalyst, for me to want to help others.  Until now, I was never as successful as I would like to be, when I was “helping”.  When I say successful, I don’t mean financially, I mean that when I did help, it did not last.  There were also times that I could barely help myself.  Now, I know the difference, now I know that for me to be of help to anyone, I must first help myself.
I used to see thinking of the self as “self”-ish, now I know better.  We often accept words and beliefs that degrade us.  Beliefs that make us feel less than.  We choose to not feel emotion, often numbing ourselves with different things: food, alcohol, drugs, sex…..even Energy can be a way of numbing oneself to the reality of our physical existence.  Energy CAN be addictive.  We are here for the express reason of experience.  We are here to experience this human life, to allow ourselves these experience.  We feel because we have come here, and that there is pain here, that we are being punished.  Cast out, cast out of eden, cast out of heaven, that if we don’t come to class prepared, belly in, shoulders back…that we will FAIL.  We will fail, and then we will never have whatever we are supposed to have when we leave this Earth.  Whatever THAT is.
I need to tell you that your reward, the reward you want comes now….Happy/unhappy…Happy/unhappy…Happy/unhappy…..
What is it you want?  Your choice.  Yours.  There is no, “I can’t because”…., there is only, “I won’t because…”  YOU can do anything.  That is what you are here for.  If you have a beating heart in your chest, use it!!!  Stop numbing yourself, feel your emotions, realize there are people here holding out their hand to you…asking, “What is it you want?”  I believe in you.  I believe in myself.  I believe we are all divine spirit incarnated into physical life, through our own free will.  We are here to experience….we are not the class…we are the teachers!!

Life in the Fast Lane-Part deux

Part two

In the winter of 2008-2009, I recognized my first symptoms, but being the stubborn individual I am, I ignored them.  Sometimes being smart makes you dumb.  I was actually working full-time and going to a full-time nursing program. I recognized the symptoms for what they were, but told myself I didn’t have time for that.

I took a smoking cessation drug, and experienced the worst, most ugly depression I have ever had in my life.  I took the drug for a month, quit smoking, and the trouble started when I stopped taking it.  In 2006 the manufacturer of this drug (not naming names), knew that a person with a predisposition to depression (PTSD), should not use the drug.  In 2009, after I had taken the drug (I actually took it Nov 2008), they issued a black box warning on the drug, and on its commercials, that anyone who has this history can become depressed, suicidal, etc.  I found this out by watching the commercial on television.  I did my research, and found out that the company knew this was a possibility in 2006.  Also, it has been linked to autoimmune disorders (this is where the body acts against its’ self), such as Type 2 diabetes (which I have).  This is how my movement disorder works….it is thought (and I am still undiagnosed), that the brain sends mixed signals to the muscles when movement is occurring.  The muscles receive these signals, and act accordingly.  The signals are mixed , therefore, the muscles move against each other, and not as they should.  This causes spasm, contraction, warping of the muscle, and pain.  The muscles contract at rest as well.  This is like going to the gym every day and working out past the point of exhaustion, to where muscle failure occurs, and then damage.  The warping of the muscle, the involuntary contractions cause the muscle to tighten, twist, and work against the joints.  I have felt, at times, like a barbie doll whose legs were being popped off.  The body is in constant pain, without medication I scream, cry, vomit, and wet myself (I told you this would be raw).  I’m not ashamed, I don’t have control over my physical body.  I am frustrated to varying degrees, at various times.  I think I have painted this picture enough.

Back to the part of the story that I want you to know.  My friend, April Adams, and I, almost accidentally, started this process.  I was very ill, and not working on myself.  It just so happened that April had been working on herself, and was breaking the ice in her business as a Reiki Master.  She was still young in her process, and I didn’t even have a clue yet.  She needed a massage table for her practice.  I just happend to have one in storage in new condition, that I could never seem to sell to anyone.  I sold it to her for a fair price, and  she added 3 Reiki sessions to my price.

The very first session I had with April, was very unusual.  I have had Reiki before, but this was not just Reiki.  It was as if a bolt of lightning hit me!!  Shazaam!!!  I began intuiting that very same day.  After the session, I sat up and gave April the information that I received during her session.  I saw her brother and that he had been in Afganistan.  I asked what is with all the water….I was getting water falls, and water this and water that.  At this point, April and I knew each other through mutual friends, but I did not even know her well enough to know that she had a brother.  This was the first time we had even spent any time together.  I told her:  “You don’t even know who you are!  You are the clearest channel I have ever felt.”

The next time April came to give me a Reiki session, I intuited again.  This time all I was seeing was death, death, death….in various ways…mass graves, drowning, the electric chair.  You name it, I saw it.  By the end of the session I was shaking with goose bumps all over me.  She explained that she had plans to visit the holocaust museum.  This time I said: “There is a train coming, I hope you are ready, because you are getting on it!”

I now look back at those statements, and know them all to be true.  Except, I also know the last one, about the train….that message was also for me.  That train pulled out of the station that day, and I was already holding my ticket out for the conductor.

From there, it just grew.  I learned what forgiveness really was (from April).  My motto of, “I don’t forgive, and I certainly never forget.”, was not doing me any good.  It was a protection that I had put in place because of the emptiness I felt from not experiencing love.

I began to say this forgiveness affirmation each night before bed:

“I live in today, today is my present, and I forgive myself, and any other who may have harmed me in the past.  The past cannot effect my present.  I live in the present, and today I am grateful for my wife, my children, my 4-legged children, and that I can breathe.”

When I first began saying this affirmation, I was pretty low.  I still did not believe that forgiveness could do anything for me.  That all changed.  I continued with the affirmation, and became attuned (over time) as a Reiki Master.  I started working with this energy, and asking Source for guidance.  I asked for the ability to help myself and others through intuitive process, and over time that came as well.  First slowly, and by allowing everything to happen and not question it, I was able to go through this process rather quickly.  Much more quickly than I ever anticipated.  I call it my baptism by fire.

I am not a religious person, although from time to time I may speak about religion here.  I understand so much more than I ever have, and I know only time will tell where exactly this journey is taking me, but here you have the beginning of this journey.  Right now, I speak to people all over the country.  I work with people by giving personal readings, being their intuitive coach, when they need one, offering a support group for intuitives going through their process, I put my voice out to the public on a blog talk radio show, and now I have this blog.

This blog is a true account of my process, what I experienced, what I am still experiencing, and how I am getting from a to b.  I chose life in the fast lane for this post because….I have truly taken the fast lane in this spiritual experience.  It has only been a year and 1/2 that I have even been doing this, but my eyes are open.  The way I see things now, is tremendously different from the way I used to.  My ability to connect to Source is ever present, and I learn more about my process every day, gaining more skill, having areas of my life presented to me to work on.  Being guided and protected by Source, does not mean you are not still human.  I still have physical pain, I still cry, I still get frustrated.  I am human.  Now I have the best tools to deal with my process, and I am not bitter, just tired.

The road I am on, is not easy, but it is worth it!!  1000% worth it!

My chemical romance and Me/Mama/Is there light without dark…..

Hello, everyone!  I realized this morning, after a night of little sleep, and much meditation, that I had opened up a new way of reading….fantastic!!  Well, new to me….this is what happened:

To give you a quick minute of back story, I have been chronically ill for four years.  I have an undiagnosed muscle/movement disorder, and now see a specialist in Boston, one of the best in the country.  It took me four years to find her.  Really, by now, my own story is boring to me, but I realize a bit of explanation is in order.  The disorder came on gradually over a period of 9 months, only I didn’t do much about the symptoms….I saw a red flag, and kept going…by the time I got to a physician, the symptoms were full blown, and I was petrified.  I was losing my ability to walk, move my limbs, speak, and I had terrible pain.  Fast forward four years later…..I have had ups and downs, cried tears, laughed hysterically, and found a new life.  Pain is still here, sometimes I cannot walk at all, sometimes I walk just fine…..mostly, I walk with difficulty.

In place of the physical, mental and emotional came to rule.  Maybe too much emotional.  I was depressed, angry, and generally at the bottom of my proverbial barrel.  Life was hard, and I was making it much harder.  Little did I know, there was this other plan in motion that I never understood was really happening…until…it happened.

I won’t go into the boring detail (it’s really not boring, and you WILL want to know, but today, lets get back to our subject at hand)…lets just say something not short of a “miracle” happened and cracked me open like a walnut!  It sounds painful…it was, it is, and I love it!!

So, a funny thing happened on my way to a meditation this morning….I hadn’t slept and couldn’t….I may have mentioned a movement disorder, well, unfortunately I have to take medication to keep functional, and it’s not small potatoes..these meds could kill someone!!  Lately, I’ve been a little foggy….memory fuzzy, fatigue, sleep is easy come, easy go….all symptoms of a sleep depraved individual.  I am so setting myself up here, but it’s all in good faith!!  If you can’t make fun of yourself, it just hurts when others do….wait….??

Okay, My Chemical Romance (are you paying attention?)….I love alternative music….now known as emo or emo-alternative or whatever..who cares….this video Mama….love itttt!  Yes, I will soon be preaching to you to love your neighbor and give them a hand up, no worries!!  You get it all here.  See, there is no light without dark….sit out on the beach in the blinding sun long enough and your skin will sear, blister, and slough off! I went to nursing school, I can say slough with a straight face.  The ice in your tropical drink will melt, and you will be left with watered-down fruit-juicy syrup…somethin’ like the kool aid they warned you about!  Watch that stuff….

Last night after realizing I had forgotten to take my nightly med count, I realized it was far to late to take the regimen, and needed to tough it out…brilliant!  I think I created this account somewhere around 3 am.  This mmmmorning….after a couple hours of sleep, my morning medicine, and a phone conversation with my daughter…I remembered that I downloaded around 100+ songs onto my iphone, and decided to give a listen.  Up to this point, I maybe had a dozen songs…just for a maybe I will need something to listen to sometime, someplace thing…I don’t get out much!!  So, typically if I am listening to music it is in it’s full glaring beauty…much to the chagrin of my neighbors.  Only during daylight hours, folks!!

Uh hmmm…where was I, yes, I never ..never.. never.. listen to music on my iphone…until today.      So, having made that statement, I will make another….I read as an Energy Intuitive (what we used to call psychic), and receive and deliver messages through channel.  Yes, that is really what the blog is about…are you just coming in?

Today, I “read” the music, no, not sheet music, THE music, and as I am sitting here, I am wondering how long have I been able to do this??  It seems simple enough given all that I have discovered about myself thus far….You would think I would have clued you in by now….

The “miracle” was that I began to do this work, quite by accident. When I say work, it has been a major roller coaster ride, and when I refer to it being painful…it was, and I do know, that I am going into ANOTHER ramped up state of it….11 weeks worth, of pure kick-ass psychic wallop.  Let me get this out there while I still have time!  Today, the music, much like what I see intuitively…had beautiful waves of energy, colors, lights, and information….yes, that is right…information.  Information that I can only think is energetically connected to the songs, and their writers/singers, etc.  You would be surprised at what I saw…how, can this “dark” music produce such light?  And, why does this “dark” music speak to me…why do I crave it’s emotional intensity, and sometimes harsh look at the world?  Because it’s fun!!  Yes, I said it…dark can be fun!!   Mostly, however, as we see the actors (because they are actors, sorry guys), play out the scene we expect from them….we get a release… of pent up emotion, and get to see our dark sides at play.  No one…no one here on this Earth is all light…..we are only varying degrees of ourselves, and the human condition holds beauty in all its dark and all its light, it holds purpose, and experience…valuable experience….whoa!!  Put the crosses down!  I know, I know, I know!!  Yes, that IS what I am saying, and somewhere along the way, there is a light that goes on and says:  all your experiences, all your ups and downs, your lows, and highs…these experiences, without them…who would you be?

People, through adversity, move mountains….no one, does squat after a day playing volleyball on the beach, and a big, fat meal with two cocktails to celebrate.

You picking up what I’m putting down?  What moves you, is what matters!  What moves you?  What will make you live, instead of survive?  What makes you feel something….a loaf of white bread and a bottle of charodnnay?…mmmmm….that makes me want to save a life!!!  Nope, that puts me bloated, tired, and snoring on the couch.  You don’t mix medication and booze, anyway…what are you thinking???

So, this is my introduction to you.  Hello!!  Here we will explore it all. Not just the fluffy, white stuff, not just 1001 mantras until you cannot mantra anymore, but the REAL.  Because it IS real, all of it, and all of it has purpose, and so it must be voiced!!

Thank you for reading…or listening..or both.