Getting Bent

I took some time to think about writing about this, and I believe I took enough time to be able to talk about this in a calm manner without dredging up the past to the point that I react to it again.  I have PTSD, but have not had a symptomatic episode for almost two years until a few days ago.  Once I was practicing with energy daily, my symptoms just were not there anymore, and I did NOT expect it when it happened.

The trigger was pure emotion.  I was never afraid to cry, but with PTSD adrenaline was always there to fuel me before I could get to the crying.  It was not until the adrenaline wore off that I would sob.  If you know anything about PTSD, it is a dark, and angry road of a primal response gone rouge.  The natural instinct to fight or flight (and freeze), will kick in when there are dire circumstances.  In PTSD that trauma that created the situation has over sensitized the body, and this adrenaline response happens with very little pushing on that trigger.  It could be a word, a small action, a gesture, something in a movie, or just a personal issue.  This was a personal issue….I didn’t know why, but I was extremely over the top upset that day, barking at my wife, snapping at a friend and then sobbing for hours.  I later learned that there was a huge influx of solar flare energy hitting the Earth at that time.

One minute I was apologizing for being over emotional and crying, asking for help, and then click!  There goes that trigger.  If you want to envision pulling back that hammer go ahead…just remember after you point the gun at everyone else, you eventually point it right at your own head.  That is the closest I can get to telling you what it feels like.   Sheer rage, pain and panic. Once that adrenaline wears off, you are depressed and humiliated.  It is like waking up from a dream, and you say, “Did that really happen, or did I dream that?”  Only this time it really happened, and you only wish you dreamed it.

When you are in a PTSD episode no one can say anything to you.  My wife tried the “Do you think you may be over reacting?” only to get “NO!  What do you mean I’m f%#$@*g over reacting?  Do you really think I would be this upset over nothing…are you f%#$@*g kidding me?”  On and on and on and on….I raged.  I really don’t know how I have any relationships at all with this disorder.  It is a cruel taskmaster for sure.  You say and do things you would not do if you were only in your right mind.  The problem is you go from 0-60 in 3.3 seconds on a high octane fuel cocktail that will make you think you can smash your fist right through a wall or better yet someone’s face.  Yep.  That bad.

Normally, I can catch myself when I am triggered….I will say or do something horrendous, and then I will run.  I will run as far and fast as I can go (which really is not far these days….maybe to the couch?)  I do this to take myself out of the situation, and allow the adrenaline rush to subside so that I can think clearly again.  That didn’t happen.  I just ranted and ranted and worked myself up, and ranted again, and worked myself up more….

Then, I ran. Not physically, but mentally….I ran all over the internet cutting myself off from this group, from groups I actually formed myself…I left my own group!!  Bananas!!!!

Okay, what Gwen Stefani, is not saying here is….that’s my shit..ooohhhhohhh…that’s my shit.   Yes, this IS MY SHIT!  It’s all me, it’s mine, I own it, don’t even try to take responsibility for it…ooohhhhohhh….that’s my shit!   So, during the actual spiral into insanity….I am Gwen Stefani in this video (I wish!)  After the insanity spiral is over and I “come to” it’s all just shit…ooohhhohhh…that’s my shit!

See, everything I say is not inspiring and pretty.  You can apologize for this type of behavior, maybe you have even warned your friends that you have PTSD…just incase, but no one really knows until you blow, and when you blow, you are like a freight train bearing down the tracks and the people around you are tied to those tracks, and they see you coming, but they never manage to get out of the way fast enough.  Ooohhhohhh…that’s my shit, that’s my shit!

I HAD to share this post.  I had to because I promised to be honest with my audience, to show my dark and my light….my dark and my light.  My dark has helped me to seek the light, but I still carry it with me and for me to get anywhere with it, I have to acknowledge it, examine it…..figure it out.  I have to accept that it is there, and not just stick it in a closet somewhere hoping it doesn’t get out.  Here I am, I acknowledge you, I may not be proud of you, but you are me….we are each other, and I take responsibility for you.  I know you are not gone now, not hiding, or healed, just waiting….for the right moment….waiting to come into the light.

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

One of the things I have always been good at, is making decisions.  I am very impulsive, but work great under pressure.  Some of the people closest to me, are terrible decision makers….and it drives me crazy!!!  I am a person of action.  I have considerable difficulty waiting for anything!  A phone call, an answer, someone needing to make a decision….waiting, waiting, waiting….  It is not a wonder that my illness has slowed me down considerably. It is not surprising that whenever I get it in my head to start running around, doing, doing, doing….Source will put me right down again.  I am a hard player, and a stubborn student!  In truth I have learned quite a bit, but it is oh, so easy to let ego take over, and put me once again in the position of needing to be STOPPED!!!

I often advise clients to begin meditation.  I do this because I know that quieting the mind is as powerful, even more powerful than taking action!  We are doers….always looking to manipulate our situation to what we “think” is best for us.  That is the problem right there…too much thinking.  We have no idea what we are doing, mostly because we are always listening to our own brains rattle and hum.  Are you are person who worries, and has a hard time making decisions??? Or are you more like me…impulsive, very little patience, and quick to take action???  The answer to either situation is the same.  Get out of your own way.  It is not the external presence that makes or breaks us, it is how we react to it, and what we believe about it.

The true action is stillness.  The true thought process is internal and heart evaluated.  SHHHHH!! I’m meditating!

I truly encourage, every person, any person…to try it!  Here comes the thoughts:  I’ve already tried, I can’t do it…I don’t have time for that, I’m too busy….Nothing happens when I meditate….

Okay, I hear you…meditation takes practice, and will.  First you must realize that you are allowed to rest…huh, what?  This insane need to stay moving, and running, and working, and doing…is not getting you anywhere!  STOP!  You are being guided, you can do anything, you are worthy, you deserve rest, enlightenment, happiness, and comfort.  When you are allowing yourself to stop, rest, breathe, and just live, you are ALIVE!  The opposite, is what we think we must be or do.  STOP!!  Seriously, just stop.  Stop the frantic peddling in the wrong direction.

Close your eyes, and allow Source to take over.  Let it all go.  It’s not important.  It’s an illusion.  This peddling is just churning up water, causing discord with your true self.  Let go!!  Realize that there is no other way to know your destiny, except for accepting it.  We don’t always have the answers, but if we believe that all experiences have value, and all experiences are necessary to develop into who it is that we are, then why does it matter?  We are guided, truly, we are.  Every time that we resist the flow, every time we are paddling against the current….we are running away from who we are.  We worry about our course, we put so much energy into paddling, paddling, paddling…..we are creating the situation of worry, and the need to keep paddling in fear.  We are conjuring up a tsunami sized wave.

This is what I tell clients when they are paddling against a tsunami:

Feel it…feel the tsunami rising higher, higher, higher….now, turn your back to it.  What?!  There is a feckin’ TSUNAMI coming!!!!  Turn your back on the wave!!  Close your eyes and feel…feel your fear..allow it to come…its already in progress, so let it go.  Feel it rising, rising, cresting…this wave is going to crash!

Just as the wave begins to crash down, realize that it is not going to hit you!  Breathe out….a sigh of relief!!  Watch the wave crash just outside of you, and feel all the strength of that wave become calm, soothing, buoying energy…..float… now the wave is pushing you gently, you are bobbing nicely in the beautiful sea. Being pushed gently towards shore.  Allow this energy to now flow over you.  Realize this energy is powerful, but gentle.  This powerful gentleness caresses you and allows you complete comfort, and knowledge of the beautiful gift of calmness, lightness, and relaxation.

You just survived a tsunami of your own creation! Congratulations!  You have a choice, you can make a decision here and now; stop creating tsunamis.  Stop paddling!  Allow the smooth, gentle, yet powerful energy to guide you.  Or, even when you encounter large waves….turn your back, and allow them to buoy you.  Stop paying so much attention to things that you find fearful or uncomfortable.  The fear is made in your mind.

Stop listening to your mind, and tap into the quiet, gentle vision of your heart.  Your heart knows you.  Your heart is your life force.  Essentially, our heart beats involuntarily to circulate our blood which provides, food, nutrients, gases (oxygen); everything we need to stay alive.  Our heart also feels, we tend to think that this is an anomaly.  How can an organ, a muscle feel??? Well the rest of your body feels as well.  So, why would it be any different with any other organ/muscle??  Emotion is REAL, and we don’t need to know how or why we feel it.  We don’t need to know why or how our heart sings or aches, we just need to recognize that it does.  Pay attention to your inner-most feelings, they are here to guide you.  If you need help…ASK!!!  Be gentle on yourself.  If the life you are not living does not make you feel ALIVE….stop living it, and choose something else!

Easier said than done, right???  No, its easier done!  Letting go is unbelievably beautiful!  The lightness, the happiness, the understanding, and allowing, and just ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!  It is lovely.   When we finally understand we need to let go, and we do… are going to realize that this is so much easier, so much more fulfilling, and those around you will notice too.  Your personal light shines brighter, and others will want to know what you are doing to make this so.  They will recognize this change in you, and want it for themselves.  This is how the collective works.  We are all intrinsically connected.  When we choose fear and running, all of us are fearful and running around.  When we choose calmness, and guidance, all of us are calm and guided.  When enough of us choose calmness and guidance, we will have created a shift.  A shift in energy to create a better, more harmonious, loving world.

Hey, Mikey!  Try it, you just might like it!!