I took some time to think about writing about this, and I believe I took enough time to be able to talk about this in a calm manner without dredging up the past to the point that I react to it again. I have PTSD, but have not had a symptomatic episode for almost two years until a few days ago. Once I was practicing with energy daily, my symptoms just were not there anymore, and I did NOT expect it when it happened.
The trigger was pure emotion. I was never afraid to cry, but with PTSD adrenaline was always there to fuel me before I could get to the crying. It was not until the adrenaline wore off that I would sob. If you know anything about PTSD, it is a dark, and angry road of a primal response gone rouge. The natural instinct to fight or flight (and freeze), will kick in when there are dire circumstances. In PTSD that trauma that created the situation has over sensitized the body, and this adrenaline response happens with very little pushing on that trigger. It could be a word, a small action, a gesture, something in a movie, or just a personal issue. This was a personal issue….I didn’t know why, but I was extremely over the top upset that day, barking at my wife, snapping at a friend and then sobbing for hours. I later learned that there was a huge influx of solar flare energy hitting the Earth at that time.
One minute I was apologizing for being over emotional and crying, asking for help, and then click! There goes that trigger. If you want to envision pulling back that hammer go ahead…just remember after you point the gun at everyone else, you eventually point it right at your own head. That is the closest I can get to telling you what it feels like. Sheer rage, pain and panic. Once that adrenaline wears off, you are depressed and humiliated. It is like waking up from a dream, and you say, “Did that really happen, or did I dream that?” Only this time it really happened, and you only wish you dreamed it.
When you are in a PTSD episode no one can say anything to you. My wife tried the “Do you think you may be over reacting?” only to get “NO! What do you mean I’m f%#$@*g over reacting? Do you really think I would be this upset over nothing…are you f%#$@*g kidding me?” On and on and on and on….I raged. I really don’t know how I have any relationships at all with this disorder. It is a cruel taskmaster for sure. You say and do things you would not do if you were only in your right mind. The problem is you go from 0-60 in 3.3 seconds on a high octane fuel cocktail that will make you think you can smash your fist right through a wall or better yet someone’s face. Yep. That bad.
Normally, I can catch myself when I am triggered….I will say or do something horrendous, and then I will run. I will run as far and fast as I can go (which really is not far these days….maybe to the couch?) I do this to take myself out of the situation, and allow the adrenaline rush to subside so that I can think clearly again. That didn’t happen. I just ranted and ranted and worked myself up, and ranted again, and worked myself up more….
Then, I ran. Not physically, but mentally….I ran all over the internet cutting myself off from this group, from groups I actually formed myself…I left my own group!! Bananas!!!!
Okay, what Gwen Stefani, is not saying here is….that’s my shit..ooohhhhohhh…that’s my shit. Yes, this IS MY SHIT! It’s all me, it’s mine, I own it, don’t even try to take responsibility for it…ooohhhhohhh….that’s my shit! So, during the actual spiral into insanity….I am Gwen Stefani in this video (I wish!) After the insanity spiral is over and I “come to” it’s all just shit…ooohhhohhh…that’s my shit!
See, everything I say is not inspiring and pretty. You can apologize for this type of behavior, maybe you have even warned your friends that you have PTSD…just incase, but no one really knows until you blow, and when you blow, you are like a freight train bearing down the tracks and the people around you are tied to those tracks, and they see you coming, but they never manage to get out of the way fast enough. Ooohhhohhh…that’s my shit, that’s my shit!
I HAD to share this post. I had to because I promised to be honest with my audience, to show my dark and my light….my dark and my light. My dark has helped me to seek the light, but I still carry it with me and for me to get anywhere with it, I have to acknowledge it, examine it…..figure it out. I have to accept that it is there, and not just stick it in a closet somewhere hoping it doesn’t get out. Here I am, I acknowledge you, I may not be proud of you, but you are me….we are each other, and I take responsibility for you. I know you are not gone now, not hiding, or healed, just waiting….for the right moment….waiting to come into the light.