Judgement.


The Raw and the Cooked meets redemption.

There are two things I promised myself and readers when I began to write this blog.  First, I would be completely honest.  This is not a difficult choice for me, as I cannot seem to be otherwise, almost to a fault.  Second, I would bring the light and the dark part of myself into my posts.

See, we walk a fine line between being human and self-realization in human form.  The things we experience (both good and bad, right and wrong) are all valuable experiences.  The most dark times, when things are ending for us, are truly a beginning of another phase of life.  Knowing this, does not make us any less pained or reactive at times.  Sometimes it can even give us what we need to let go and take the plunge into that dark, deep, cold water….knowing we will resurface ever stronger.

The other day, when I wrote “The Raw and the Cooked”, it was rather self-serving.  I knew it was ugly, but I was in pain and so, I said:  “Here it is, my dark, how do you like it???”  I wrote it almost like a child’s story….Once there was….and the girl who was now a woman…etc.   This was an attempt to make it even more ugly than it stood on it’s own.

I wrote it  to be confusing….you sometimes didn’t know, which girl, which woman was being pointed out in the story.  This is to show the way history repeats itself, and how one abused child, who tried to break a cycle, became part of a world of abuse for another child. The story is dark, nasty and honestly no attempt at showing my ability as a writer.  Just my struggling ability bring the dark into the light and burn the judgement away.

Judgement is something we all do everyday….this apple tastes better than this orange.  This person is dressed nicer.  I shouldn’t do that, that makes me look like an ass….I will wait until no one is around, and then I will do it!!

We are creatures of habit, we do what we do when we feel pain….drink, exercise, talk, cry, scream, eat, smoke…..write.  I have always uses writing as an outlet.  A way to pull out the darkest bits of me.  A way to examine something and see it for all its gnarly barbs and pointy sticks.  There are times when I write something now, and say….why did you post that?  Well, that certainly isn’t going to help business!

I have to laugh, because no matter how hard another judges me, I will judge myself ever harder.  There is no other reason for me to do what I do, except to help myself and others.  That is what I do.  I spend my own time in judgement, of myself, of others, of whatever.  We all do, we sit in judgement.   What flavor ice cream?  This one is gross, that one is good…..every flavor has value.  Every experience has value.  Every person has value.

Here is where I use my own words to heal myself…”Every person has value.”  This is the hardest thing I will ever say, but it must be said:  If every person has value, then so does the boy who was angry.  See, I thought I had brought to light my ability to forgive him for the things that he did.  It was then that I realized, it was far worse than I had ever hoped or imagined.  The boy who was angry, was angry because he was abused and neglected.  He took his victim-hood out on others.  I wore my victim-hood (and still do), like a suit of armor.  Or, as I am reminded by some words that someone once  said, not directly to me…but I got it…and often think of it:  “Don’t wear your wounds like a badge!”

Now, I must see it, feel it, and walk myself through it.  Now, I must sit in judgement of myself, and realize that a) there was nothing else that I could do or b) I just didn’t know how or c) I didn’t try hard enough.

I say:  all of the above.  Perhaps I am guilty of all three.  Perhaps I was just ignorant and afraid.  Perhaps…

Judgement.  This is what a great spiritual reader and new friend told me I would be dealing with.  Judgement is so large in my life at this moment….it’s big, it’s dark, and it’s ugly.  This is the time of facing my demons, and bringing them to rest for the moment.  I have work to do folks!

So, whatever you may think about me, or my blog, or anything else for that matter.  Please remember when it seems the darkest, and we are the most weary, is when we are doing the hardest work of our lives.  This is the darkest place that we will go, and every one of us will have to do so to walk into our own light.  If we want to fill the space inside with light, we have to get the sludge out.  There are easier ways, but I have always been on the dramatic side…so, eh, well…..what can I say.

I apologize to the little girl.  It doesn’t mean much, but I am sorry.  I am sorry that I couldn’t protect you.

Here is to being human!

May the road rise up to meet you,

May the wind be always at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face;

May the rains fall soft upon your fields,

and until we meet again

May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

For the sake of clarity, toast with whatever you think you should toast with!

The Raw and the Cooked


Did you ever have someone impact your life so greatly that all that you experienced…every part of it…reaped havoc on your soul for all of your days?

There once was a girl, 14 years old, sad, but hopeful…hopeful someone would come love her and heal her heart.  Hopeful that she could survive. Her mother was a drunk and a drug addict, who never protected her, and at 14 she was on her own.  Not knowing anything about living, but very well schooled in surviving, this was all she could do.

There once was a boy, 16 years old, angry and disturbed.  His father was a drunk who used his fists on his mother.  He told the girl he loved her and her heart swelled.  Then one day, her lip swelled and her body bruised, and she knew fear.  Fear that was stronger than all the fear she had felt before.

She dressed as he said, talked as he said, did as he said, and cried and cried.  One day he asked, “Why do you always cry when we make love.”  She learned to lay still and say nothing.

She learned to run and hide when he became angry, and she was never ever, ever to tell.  One day, the girl woke up and she knew something was different.  Time had slipped by and she had swelled, and bruised, and hidden a great deal now.  She was more afraid than ever….because she knew that she was different now.  Her heart swelled.  Suddenly, she felt love!

Soon her breasts swelled, her belly swelled, and her ankles swelled.  All day, every day, she thought about the baby.  All day, every day, she was afraid for the baby.  There was a day when he came to her and threw her to the ground.  “It’s time for you to die.”, he said, and told her how he would kick the baby out of her.  She lay on the ground holding her belly protecting her baby.  She was already eight months along.  She believed he would eventually kill her.

He threw all her belongings into the street and shut the door behind him.  She stood there in the middle of the night, cold, and afraid.  She picked up her things and walked away.  It was snowing and dark, but she felt better for walking.  She passed her parents house, and kept going, because she was unwelcome there.  She flipped them the bird.

She walked all night until she arrived at her aunt’s house and there she slept on the floor.  She tried to leave him, but he followed her.  He always followed her.  He followed her to work, he knew when she got her check and made sure he brought her right to the bank to cash it.  “Here is twenty dollars for you.” he would say.  She would be grateful.  He followed her when she was walking down the street, on the bus, or just in the bathroom.  One day he came in while she was using the toilet, he peed on her, and then just walked away.

He followed and watched, waited and accused, he hit and he screamed and he said “Get in the back seat, you slut!”  He did what he wanted…even when she choked.  He did what he wanted…even when she cried.  He did what he wanted.

One day, a baby girl was born and he wouldn’t let her hold her.  He took the baby and he told the social workers that he didn’t know what was wrong with her and how she wanted to leave him.  A woman came by to tell her to be nice to him, that he was trying so hard to love her.  Once they were home, he forgot all about them for sometime.  Then she was alone with her baby.  She sang to the baby and wrapped her in swaddling blankets, she fed her her breast milk and tried to stay healthy.

One day he was angry again, and he went to take the baby.  The baby was on the bed and could fall off, but she grabbed him and wouldn’t let go.  He punched her and punched her, but she wouldn’t let go.  He punched her in the stomach until she could not feel it anymore.  He punched her until he was tired, but she wouldn’t let go.  “I won’t let you hurt my baby! “, she yelled.  She stayed up at night thinking of ways to escape.

She went to the nuns, but he found her and brought her back.  She asked her dad for help, but his wife answered by calling her “Whore!” and shutting the door on her.  She went to the police, they took reports and put them in a folder.  She got a restraining order, but he broke into her new apartment and held her there and took their daughter.  He ripped out the phone and took the baby into the other room and wouldn’t give her back.  He stayed there for hours.

When she left her house he was hiding in her bushes….she ran and ran…she ran to the police station, but they “couldn’t do anything” because he was not there now. His brother knew the mayor of the town (yes, really!). They kept taking reports, but they could never find his folder when she needed it.  When she was on the bus, she watched constantly to see if he was following behind her.  They went to court.  She told social workers about being raped was told “You picked him!”, and “None of that matters!”  “Does he hurt the child?”

“No, he has not hurt the child, but I’m afraid he will.”, she said.

“Well, that is not good enough.”

They went to court over and over and over.  She kept losing her job for absences…he made it hard on her.  He said he was being denied his visits so he got more time. He assaulted her daycare provider, but the woman didn’t want to see him “go to jail over it.”  He yelled at the pediatrician because “he had rights and he wanted to see the little girl’s medical records, and Who the fuck do you think you are?!”

The girl was becoming a woman now and when the doctor called her to explain what happened, she asked for his help, but he did not want to “get involved in that!”

She got a lawyer, but couldn’t pay him.  His lawyer was paid by his well-off brother.  She asked some people to help her.  She asked someone to “take him out of the picture”….”give him a warning”….but they looked at her like she was crazy.  She didn’t feel crazy, she felt fear.  She called an abuse shelter, but they didn’t take women unless “they were currently being beaten.”

She called social services to get help.  She was getting an interview to tell her story! Her drunken mother called the social worker and told them horrible stories.  “She was only trying to help!”  The social worker cancelled her appointment.

The girl, becoming a woman, felt like a helpless child and cried and cried.  She was fired from her job.  She would get strange phone calls in the night…breathing…listening….waiting.  They went to court again. It was the last time.

“If you don’t stop coming in here, and straighten out your own issues, we will make your child a ward of the state!”  He would get her!  He would get her!  He would get her!

There was no help, no job, no place to live….she moved into a slum apartment building, with a slum landlord, and slum drug-dealers.  Someone was shot in front of her house.  The girl who was now a woman,  felt fear and she cried and cried.  The little girl was four now.

She had a new boyfriend and decided to get married….could he protect them?…would he protect them?.  They would have more money and she could work again.  She survived.

He didn’t protect them and he didn’t help.  He didn’t do anything. The woman had another little girl.  Now there were sisters..she taught them to love each other…she taught them to be careful…very, very careful…they had a code word for strangers..it was banana.  She watched and waited and prayed every day.  Take care of my baby.  Please take care of my baby.  They moved away and she hoped it would be too far for him to travel, that he would give up.  It wasn’t and he didn’t, and when she was 12 the little girl asked to not see her father any more.  The woman, could finally breathe just a small breath at a time.  Small breaths…small breaths…small breaths.   Two years passed by and they had not seen the monster.  The girl, now 14, had been going to therapy for some time.  She was “better” now.  The woman got a divorce from the man who didn’t protect them.  He did even less and still didn’t protect them.  When she asked him to check on the children when she went to school at night, he said he would, but didn’t.  The girl, now 15, and her sister, now 11 stayed home alone.  The girl, now 15, had her first boyfriend.

As sometimes happens in divorce and otherwise….the children were confused, upset, and sad.  They pointed fingers.  “Tag!, You’re It!”  As sometimes happens in divorce and otherwise, the woman was depressed and would sometimes stay in bed, she had trouble managing money and paying for their needs.  They survived.  She didn’t know how to teach them to live.

The little girl, now a woman, married her high school sweetheart when she was just twenty, she had a beautiful baby girl, and was a good mother.  The woman did not know how unhappy her daughter was.  She did not know that the daughter was drinking or feeling depressed or that she was having difficulty.

The little girl, who was now a woman was drinking away her memories.  The little girl drank too much and too often.  The little girl was suffering and trying to do everything right, but didn’t have the support she needed.  Things happened that shouldn’t have, and the little girl’s family came apart at the seams.  The sister went one way, the girl went another, the mother went this way, and the little girl’s little girl went to live away.

The woman cried.  She cried until she had no more tears.

The little girl came to the woman and told her she remembers, she remembers what her father did to her.  The little girl, who was now a woman cried and was very frightened.  She didn’t know what to do.

The mother cried, but it didn’t help anything.  The little girl, who was now a woman drank, but it didn’t help anything.

The little girl, who was now a woman hated her mother……why did you let that happen to me?

The woman, who was no longer young, or a little girl tried to explain all that she did to keep her safe, but it didn’t help anything.  The woman knew it was her fault too.

They yelled and swore and left each other, and now the little girl is gone, the little girl’s little girl is gone, and the woman stands alone.

Becoming the Butterfly


I am going to tell you about my secret adventure.  A program being developed by my friend, April Adams.  I am also seeing many other persons begin to offer the same “type” of program.  Us “messengers” begin to get these similar messages at the same time, but we sometimes perceive them quite differently.  This is because we don’t all need the same thing.  However, this program is different?  Why?

Because my family and I have had the most horrifying things happen in our lives recently.  I have nearly lost 4 of the closest people to my heart in very significant and painful ways. How close to the heart is this??  This is my family, my children, my wife, my granddaughter, and when I say lost…I mean lost to me forever on this plane of existence.

I once talked about how I perhaps was meant to hold space for energy, to meditate all day every day on raising our vibration and just being a channel for information.  I didn’t know if I would be able to commit myself to a life that didn’t involve being in “life”.

What I am seeing lately, is that our worst fears are coming up NOW!  To have us face them. To heal and cleanse them.  Let me tell you, in no way did I think that it would be presented to me in this way.  I have been struggling the last couple of months to do what it is I believe I need to, but I have not been able to use any personal energy to help myself.

To heal and love myself, even when I am at the lowest possible point in my life….losing those I love is the worst thing that I could imagine happening, and I still feel like I am on a teeter-totter of pain, ready to fall off into the abyss at any moment. One more small weight of a feather.

This is where April Adams has stepped in.  She has created a program that has immediately been able to help me become the person I want to be.  Not need to be, or forced to be, or became because someone’s ideas where forced upon me.  But, in my own words, just spoken in her beautiful voice. Using this program, I can FEEL the difference in myself in just the last four days that I have been using it.

The first time I used the meditation program (this is not just a meditation program…believe me and this is not a sales pitch, as it is not available to the public yet….), I was able to observe its effects on my mind and body.  This is because I have been training myself for sometime achieving a certain state of mind.  This program trumps that ten fold.

I am sharing my incredible experiences here because this is what I do.  I share.  I speak. I put myself out there.

I may seem preachy sometimes, in fact, I know I do.  I also have a lot of dark pain to show you so that  you realize that you can fight whatever there is ahead of you with certain tools and support systems.  Trust me…April and I have been working together for this very moment for sometime now.  Having channeled information for the shift as well as the changes that will take place during this time.

I cannot stress enough to you that you MUST reach out to those around you now in this time.  Community is essential and the caregivers are ready to receive you.  I am working hard at being MYSELF these days, or I WILL be lost into that abyss.  I know now, the games have begun.

With this program today, I listened and at first I could not relax as my muscles (from my physical challenge) were spasming badly this morning.  I was just about to think….I will have to start this listening session over again and the next thing I know…bam!  I was on my way to the programing session….spoken in my own words, with April’s voice I was comfortably lulled into positive expression of self.  I felt the words stop but I was completely relaxed, and in the in between state of wake and sleep.  I listened to the silence that was after my program and felt at peace.  No worry, no fear.  Restful and pleasantly sleepy.  I napped afterward and had vivid dreams.  It was the best rest that I have gotten in the last month or more.  When I got up, I felt GOOD!  Better than good, great…I walked my dogs and took them on a long walk….feeling the weather and enjoying it.  I then came back and wrote this.

I am excited for the rest of this day, for this turning point for myself, and I encourage all of you….gather your tools, your friends, your community, and prepare yourself for your own emergence.

The butterfly escapes!

Crossing the line..


Sometimes we are where we are and not able to shift from that place. Perhaps we are feeling something so intensely that we cannot find our way out of the paper bag. We have been taught to step back from others’ necessary experiences, acknowledge it for their journey, and allow things to play out as they need to.

Where is the line in the sand, and what do we do with the very real pain of watching someone we love in pain. After all we are truly human still and our emotions are real. We know that fear is an indication of being on the wrong path. This is something I share with my clients always. There are only two things to experience in truth….fear or love.

Watching someone you love go through the feelings necessary to heal them is extremely difficult. When do we step in? Is there a time to step in? I believe the line is when there is a life or death situation.

Okay, lets examine that….we know, that life never ends. Is it not then the choice of the person whether or not they want to opt out? Is death an experience of change or an experience of ending…and what is that end?

What I know is that life never ends. That here in this world we experience a physical life, and have an experience of physical death. What does opting out do for us?

I don’t feel that we are punished, that we go somewhere to suffer if we have not finished our life here. I don’t feel that we will create horrible karma for ourselves. However, I am reminded of something a friend of mine said to me not too long ago. I over-heard him talking about Gary Zukav. Gary Zukav was a very important beginning to my spiritual journey, as I felt my beliefs were being shown back to me in his books. I cannot quote exactly what he may have said here, but the gist is: those that choose to opt out, are not harming themselves so much as creating a void.

If you think of “A Wonderful Life” with the actor Jimmy Stuart, he asks that he was never born, and an angel comes and shows the character what life would be like if he had never been born. This is the result of opting out. It is not that we are punished for our choice, but that we are now absent. The ghost in the room, so to speak (hopefully, not the actual ghost in the room). I think that we would realize significantly that our reality on this side was just one of the things we agreed to experience before coming here.

So, here is the puzzle. If I have a soul contract with you, and you choose to opt out, are you now missing from my scenario or was my soul contract to have you missing and experience that??

I think in the end, that we can look at these experiences as having multiple layers and multiple realities….does this make opting out okay? I cannot even consider the amount of pain and loss I would experience if someone I loved chose this. I cannot think of it because it brings the highest fear possible to me. I cannot act from fear. This is the one thing I have learned that possibly can help any situation.

No matter how you feel, how fearful, how painful, how lost….ask…ask for someone to help raise your light. Having just consulted with one of the most respected channels I am aware of, I received my answer. Here and now I know that my job is the same as it has always been.

Use my words to raise the light, not allow the dark to be spoken, but to speak the truth that I know, regardless of what the belief is of those that are even the closest to my heart. To pretend or to hold back that light is not helping myself or any other. This world needs the light to bring awareness to the fear.

Fear is our illusion, what we put into play for our experience, but the game has changed. We do not have to live in fear. We can change that into love and light. I know this to be true and my words will be comforting, loving, and light….

To those I love the most in this world, you know who you are:

There is light around us, beautiful and loving. We are capable of being lighter beings who choose happiness and wholeness over pain and illusion. Only you can choose this for yourself, but I will not speak of pain to you, for you are only love to me. You are beautiful and I love you with all of my heart. You ARE capable of a good life, a strong life, a beautiful life, a happy life….you do not have to stay where you are in your head. I hope you will allow me to help you in love….not in fear…fear cannot be our way. The only way through is to acknowledge our light and allow that to grow within ourselves.

Special thanks to Lee Harris and the Z’s for answering my question today. Namaste.

 

 

Imagine…


Curiously enough, I was watching an interview video with Dustin Hoffman this morning regarding his role in “Tootsie”. I know this is floating around the media right now because of the emotion displayed in the video (it was originally posted in 2012).

Why are we so interested in the emotional response of others? Whether it be joy, fear, pain, anger, or sadness….when any person shows emotion we are drawn to that. Any video can go viral, if you just display enough of one of these emotions.

Hey, watch this kid go totally nuts on ecstasy! Hey, look at this woman fall down the stairs! Look, this man is crying!!!!

Here is what I think we feel:

We watch the kid on ecstasy and feel the following: fear (holy crap! what is going to happen to him), elation (wow! I wish I could feel like that..just once!) shame (what a douche! when really that was us last weekend)

We watch the woman fall down the stairs: fear (omg…is she dead?) elation (I am so glad that wasn’t me!) shame (I shouldn’t be laughing at this…others getting hurt is not funny)

We watch the man who is crying: fear (what the hell is wrong with this guy!) elation (thank god I don’t cry in public!) shame (I don’t cry in public, but I cry at home….I’m an ass!)

I see a trend. The reason why we are so fascinated with emotion in others, or emotion itself is because we have polluted the water (so to speak). We have for the longest time been told that emotions are bad, they are private…you don’t bring them to work, you don’t display them for others to see, you hide them from the people who are even closest to you. We get our emotional fix by watching others who display their emotions….books, movies…tv shows…youtube videos….

We watch people we admire have emotional break-downs and then throw trash at their heads. We applaud when they go to rehab or get psychiatric help, and at the same time they are never quite as good as they were before. Not as shiny, pretty, bold, strong. These are the illusions that we set up not only for ourselves, but ten fold for everyone else.

What Dustin Hoffman “confesses” (that is the word used by the media) is that he realized by playing the role of “Tootsie”, that he had been judging women by their outer appearance and that had cost him the friendship, companionship or even love of some women he would really have liked to spend time with.

He is emotional in the interview…very much so, even though you can see he is trying very hard to hold back the flood gates. It is beautiful to watch.

Why do I think Dustin Hoffman crying on a video is beautiful?

My dad never cried when I was young….he was born 1941, grew up in the 50-60s, when men did not show their emotions. I saw him cry a total of two times before I was 40. He is 72 this September and he cries freely with me on the phone, although I can feel him trying to hold back the floodgates. What opened him to feel, was the passing on of his wife.  So many years, but that is what it took.

In my marriage to my ex-husband, if I should cry about something, he would be quick to tell me to stop and not to cry in front of my children…it would upset them. I don’t show a lot of my feelings: pain, fear, etc….I don’t even try to hide them, it has become automatic….they turn into anger if I even try to talk about them though.  I am learning to process first and speak later.

Sometimes feeling our emotions can be overwhelming. Frightening. What will people think? Will they be afraid of me? Will they think I am weak? What happens if I cry at work? Will I get fired?

One of the things we are definitely feeling now is emotional, we are here to have a human experience and humans have emotions. The problem has been that we have forgotten that, and have built impossible rules around emotions: Never show anger = I will eventually have explosive anger.  Never cry at work or in front of your children, your parents, your girlfriend…whomever = I never express my feelings because I am too afraid to do so. This causes us to keep our emotions locked away where they fester and become distorted, and can ultimately cause illness.

We then classify this as mental illness.

What is mental illness? Mental illness is what we refer to when a person has an illness that involves emotions and chemicals that the brain controls. The brain is an organ…the most important organ in our body. Without proper brain function all of our systems are in jeopardy. Our brain is the machine, the battery that sparks and ignites our synapses, and allows us to use energy to send messages to the rest of our body….mostly without concentration or even “thinking” about it. It allows us to be alive. When someone is viewed as “brain-dead” they are considered dead. They are kept alive by machines, because their “machine” is no longer working. The body remains alive, but there is no activity in the most important organ of the body.

The brain is like a sponge….it is constantly learning new things…it learns about emotions and emotional discord…it learns depression and it remembers. Once thought processes (pathways) are created through experience, we can relive them….the brain has it on file. Once the brain learns to be depressed it will more likely reoccur. It remembers.

What we need to change is how we experience our emotions. Hiding our emotions, squashing them, pretending they are not there…causes the emotion to morph and become something that we only have shame for in this society. Mental illness is a physical illness with physical and mental symptoms that can ultimately result in death. The stigma around emotion and mental illness only makes this worse.

We can reteach ourselves. The brain remembers. It remembers happiness and sadness, elation and fear, depression and stability. We are the creators. Emotions are so important to us, to who we are as humans. Feel your emotions….you will discover when you feel them and face them, and deal with them….it is so much easier to be human. The emotions pass….they don’t stay locked up waiting to become the tornado that crushes your life. They go….and you are safe and whole, and the brain remembers.

The Comfortable Truth


What does it take for one to be comfortable within their own skin.  Confidence?  Reassurance?  Pride?  Parental affirmation? Peer acknowledgement?  Peace with our God/dess?  Love from our muse?

BEing is being comfortable with everything, within, without….the expression of love is where we reside.  How is this accomplished?  It is a lifetime journey that ebbs and waves, and presents challenges to this comfortable feeling all along the way.  Why?  Why can’t we just find bliss and stay there.  Why must we continue seeking the silver chain attached to this miracle?

We don’t.  We have choices, we have free will, we have much to learn about who we are, and if we don’t want to walk the walk, we don’t have to.  We can stay in our own self-imposed prison, we can beat ourselves up, cry ourselves to sleep, wear “Life is Crap” T-shirts (I used to do that all the time ;)….before I became an inspirational speaker…eh hemm..).  Okay, moving forward….

Recently, I almost gave up…in fact, maybe that was only a few sentences ago.  Instead, I am going to write here to tell you to NOT give up on yourself!  There will be days like this…there will be weeks like this…there may even be years like this…, and we have all been there.

I think there are many ways of looking at things, some may believe their “mentor” should be flawless or better yet, a martyr…We get that in God, don’t we?  The infallible Godhead, the martyred child.  I am not God, but I am, but I’m not, but I am….and so are you.  If we are fashioned as man in the form of God….then so god must be flawed.  No?  Why not?

If God were flawed, we could not give ourselves over to him, or put it in his hands, or blindly be lead with no responsibility to our own selves or each other.  God is Mighty, All-Knowing, All-Seeing.  We shall not question, for it is not ours to question, but to follow.

Sorry, I am going to say it: W-R-O-N-G!!  Okay, okay…..I hear you.  You need this.  You need to be PERFECT in his eyes, so that you may enter the pearly gates some day.  Rain check, please!! That my friends, is setting yourself up for complete and total failure.  And, if you fail….you will keep coming back to redeem yourself…keep putting the money into the basket….keep confessing how horrible you are….keep atoning for the very purpose you were born for.

Hmmm?  What you talkin’ bout, Willis??  No, I am not saying run wildly through society with utter abandonment for rules, regulations, and personal safety to all.  This is not a free ticket to kill your neighbor, or your neighbors cat, or do anything heinous to anyone or any living thing.  Do I need to high-light this?…Okay…Do not be an idiot.  Enough said.

Frankly, you are here for your own personal experiences that you as spirit, the collective Source, the God-spark,the light have chosen.  I have done the same.  I have come here, cocky and self-assured.  When I got here, I don’t think I knew just how hard it would be.  I spent many, many years suffering through it.  The choice is always ours.

I know that I could walk away right now…this minute…but I won’t.  I do not mean that I would no longer be here, but that I could change anything I want to right now, but I won’t.  Do I sound convincing enough?  I made a self-imposed oath to Source, the collective, the God-head, myself, the Universe.  I know all I have to do is say NO!  I can change my mind at anytime, but I won’t.

As hard as some days will be, as stressful as all that we are going through, will go through, will build again…will experience, I will not give up.  As much as I want to sometimes give up, give in, crawl under a rock…I will struggle until the end…the end of what….I have no idea. All I ask is that you struggle beside me.  Struggle to get out of bed, do your life, do whatever…struggle to write an inspiring poem or letter, or paint something beautiful because you can.  YOU can fill the world with beauty, with art, with self-expression AND be flawed!!  The light does not come from obtaining a place of perfection.  The light comes from the struggle.

Now is the time…the time of the creators, the time of us, the community, the meek, the strong, the heroes, the derelicts, the bold, the blighted, the downtrodden, the bright and the beautiful to step up.  Step up and acknowledge yourself and your truth, even if that is not comfortable.

Only Human…


Have you ever seen the show Being Human?  It’s not the best show, but for some reason I like it.  I’m a bit of a Sci-fi nerd.  I love the idea of something other than human, mostly because I feel so weak as one.  Being human sometimes feels abnormal.  I sometimes wonder what other species could be out there in the Universes.  When I grew up in the 70’s we were taught that there was 1 Universe.  Just one, ours.  Science told us so, and so we believed it so.  Forty-two years later Science tells us there are 100 billion Universes….with the possibility of other life up in the trillions!!  

Trillions. Yes, trillions….I said trillions!!  That is A LOT!

I used to say things such as:  “Honestly, how ridiculous are we to believe that we are the only planet, the only existing planet that holds life?”  I also said:  “If we really believe that we are the only “ONES”, and that we are the highest of intelligent life form, then we have failed miserably.”  Wow!!  I told you this girl had dark!

I honestly have to tell you that some days are darker than others and that I am struggling with that right now.  Struggling with my personal identity and my purpose.  I remain true to my purpose, but feel weak.  I remain guided, but I feel alone.  I remain an instrument of Source, of god, of whatever beautiful energy I have committed myself to.  I still believe.  I have complete faith in Source, and what they see for me.  It is only myself that stands in the way of total surrender.  The total surrender will come and soon.  To be 100% honest, it is only my own fear that is holding me in a state of unknowing.  I KNOW this.  As a human I feel weak.  In energy connected to life, responding to the sacred, accepting this in my heart has made me much stronger.  Yet, I feel weak.

I have strength….not of body, but of will, and I have allowed all that will transpire to transpire, and I feel weak.

I have great friends who call me and have wonderful conversations with me, and light up my entire world….I feel so much better in their presence.  I know what they tell me is true.  I know I can trust their words, just as I know when I cannot trust another.  I know a significant shift and change is happening, and when it is finished that nothing will be the same again.  I am waiting to embrace this change and all changes that come with it for me, and every other person.

Not everyone knows that sometimes the person that gives encouragement, light, and love to others is just as human as they are.  We are only human.  We are allowed to see what we see, hear what we hear, speak what we speak because of a commitment we made to aid and uplift ourselves and others.  This is how I see it.  I always ask for all involved to be uplifted.  The homework that I am giving myself this weekend is to discover why I feel responsible for everything.  Why do I not heed my own truth and take care of myself first as others do?  I encourage my clients to do EXACTLY this.  It is so important.

The “work” we do is not about saving others…it is about giving a hand up, and helping to empower them to be exactly who it is they want to be.  I am no savior!  I am no guru!  I encourage each person to use their innate gifts and free themselves.

Here is the catch.  You do not just do this once.  There is no magic wand.  You must take responsibility for your own personal journey.  Take responsibility for your own life, yourself.

I take responsibility for my own personal journey, I accept that Almighty Source has my best interest. That if I should call, Archangel Michael will walk with me.  I know, I know.. that I will always be taken care of.  I want for nothing.  I trust completely that all that transpires is for the greatest good of all involved, and I appreciate that there are reasons for everything.  I know that all that I have felt through this journey is true and that all that I feel now is also true.  I have been told to take care of myself, to rest, to eat right, to do what it is I need to for myself.  I have ignored that and kept old habits of chasing my tail trying to control the outcome of situations when I know that it is moot.

Being human is okay.  If you really want, you could put on some blue tights and a cape….why not?!  I won’t tell!

Being human can be difficult at times, but that is why we have each other.  We have our network, our friends, our loves, and our families.  We have so much and so many.  We are here for each other.  I like people, I love people….I cherish the connections I have with loving and kind friends.  My strength comes from humility and reverence for life and these experiences.  I am weak at times, and that is okay.  I am weak of body, even sometimes of mind, but I have strength in heart, in spirit, in energy.  I have strength when I need it and when I cannot have strength then someone else is strong for me.  I am lucky to have that in my life now.  I am beginning to feel comfortable with letting others take over for awhile.  To trust and know that others will be there when I cannot fully be there.  Because I have weakness….weakness of anger and doubt and fear….it comes, it goes, it comes, it goes.  It’s not an eruption like PTSD…I have acknowledged that and it has stayed quiet.  Its just a fear of losing control over something, or of not having control over how things change.  Yet, I trust.  I trust enough to be totally honest about my weaknesses, my challenges, my pain.  My peace!  I can achieve this peace….its just doing it.  Owning what it is you need and acquiring it.  Breathing.  Living. Feeling. Experiencing. Being. It takes a lifetime of practice and guts.  To stand up to yourself for yourself. To acknowledge you are the only one responsible for all that you touch.

Heavy, I know.  However, it doesn’t have to be.  It is only our own selves that cause the suffering we feel.  The loneliness and loss.  The isolation, the inability to connect out of fear. It’s only our fear, our illusions about ourselves and our lives that keep us here.  The house of mirrors.  Let’s get outta here!  Become aware, become awake, shake off the illusions of fear and defeat.  Stand up, rise up, get up!!!  Let’s get outta here!!!  Are you with me?