Judgement.


The Raw and the Cooked meets redemption.

There are two things I promised myself and readers when I began to write this blog.  First, I would be completely honest.  This is not a difficult choice for me, as I cannot seem to be otherwise, almost to a fault.  Second, I would bring the light and the dark part of myself into my posts.

See, we walk a fine line between being human and self-realization in human form.  The things we experience (both good and bad, right and wrong) are all valuable experiences.  The most dark times, when things are ending for us, are truly a beginning of another phase of life.  Knowing this, does not make us any less pained or reactive at times.  Sometimes it can even give us what we need to let go and take the plunge into that dark, deep, cold water….knowing we will resurface ever stronger.

The other day, when I wrote “The Raw and the Cooked”, it was rather self-serving.  I knew it was ugly, but I was in pain and so, I said:  “Here it is, my dark, how do you like it???”  I wrote it almost like a child’s story….Once there was….and the girl who was now a woman…etc.   This was an attempt to make it even more ugly than it stood on it’s own.

I wrote it  to be confusing….you sometimes didn’t know, which girl, which woman was being pointed out in the story.  This is to show the way history repeats itself, and how one abused child, who tried to break a cycle, became part of a world of abuse for another child. The story is dark, nasty and honestly no attempt at showing my ability as a writer.  Just my struggling ability bring the dark into the light and burn the judgement away.

Judgement is something we all do everyday….this apple tastes better than this orange.  This person is dressed nicer.  I shouldn’t do that, that makes me look like an ass….I will wait until no one is around, and then I will do it!!

We are creatures of habit, we do what we do when we feel pain….drink, exercise, talk, cry, scream, eat, smoke…..write.  I have always uses writing as an outlet.  A way to pull out the darkest bits of me.  A way to examine something and see it for all its gnarly barbs and pointy sticks.  There are times when I write something now, and say….why did you post that?  Well, that certainly isn’t going to help business!

I have to laugh, because no matter how hard another judges me, I will judge myself ever harder.  There is no other reason for me to do what I do, except to help myself and others.  That is what I do.  I spend my own time in judgement, of myself, of others, of whatever.  We all do, we sit in judgement.   What flavor ice cream?  This one is gross, that one is good…..every flavor has value.  Every experience has value.  Every person has value.

Here is where I use my own words to heal myself…”Every person has value.”  This is the hardest thing I will ever say, but it must be said:  If every person has value, then so does the boy who was angry.  See, I thought I had brought to light my ability to forgive him for the things that he did.  It was then that I realized, it was far worse than I had ever hoped or imagined.  The boy who was angry, was angry because he was abused and neglected.  He took his victim-hood out on others.  I wore my victim-hood (and still do), like a suit of armor.  Or, as I am reminded by some words that someone once  said, not directly to me…but I got it…and often think of it:  “Don’t wear your wounds like a badge!”

Now, I must see it, feel it, and walk myself through it.  Now, I must sit in judgement of myself, and realize that a) there was nothing else that I could do or b) I just didn’t know how or c) I didn’t try hard enough.

I say:  all of the above.  Perhaps I am guilty of all three.  Perhaps I was just ignorant and afraid.  Perhaps…

Judgement.  This is what a great spiritual reader and new friend told me I would be dealing with.  Judgement is so large in my life at this moment….it’s big, it’s dark, and it’s ugly.  This is the time of facing my demons, and bringing them to rest for the moment.  I have work to do folks!

So, whatever you may think about me, or my blog, or anything else for that matter.  Please remember when it seems the darkest, and we are the most weary, is when we are doing the hardest work of our lives.  This is the darkest place that we will go, and every one of us will have to do so to walk into our own light.  If we want to fill the space inside with light, we have to get the sludge out.  There are easier ways, but I have always been on the dramatic side…so, eh, well…..what can I say.

I apologize to the little girl.  It doesn’t mean much, but I am sorry.  I am sorry that I couldn’t protect you.

Here is to being human!

May the road rise up to meet you,

May the wind be always at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face;

May the rains fall soft upon your fields,

and until we meet again

May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

For the sake of clarity, toast with whatever you think you should toast with!

Expect the Unexpected


Did you ever notice that it is only when you feel that you are done with something, that you are faced with that very same thing?  Here it is…*BOOM*!!

Wait!  I just finally got past that in my life..really, c’mon!

Oh, well…so, now this THING, this person, this situation, this experience in life that you thought you were done with….here it is hitting you smack dab in the middle of your third eye, and you are saying…nope, been there done that!

Expect the Unexpected!  Because just when you completely don’t even think along the lines that you used to….here it is again….whatever this THING is…it is a part of your BEing…how you got here, who you left behind, or even who carried you.

Hello, again! It looks like #@$%&*, but it is truly a gift.

A few weeks back, I was shown that I would be dealing with some childhood issues (memories) that would come up for me.  They have and I have been very good at seeing it for what it was, is, and will be…just experiences that I have (eventually) used to make my life the best it can be.  Still working on it!  So, no surprise for me to find that the things that I would never have guessed would happen should be suddenly right in front of me!

It’s here, so that means that Source has a reason for me to look at it again.  Yes, it is someone and something from my past that has not been healed, but I thought I had finally made my peace with it, and moved on.

The other part of all of this is, that every interaction is a 2 way street.  There is never only a one-sided exchange.  We get what we get.  Whenever you feel that you are giving more than you are getting…take a quiet look at the situation.  The frustration may be just that you are not seeing what it is you are actually receiving from the interaction.

One thing I do know is that, in a million years, I would of never expected this particular person to contact me in any way, and yet…..

So, what now?  Nothing now.  That’s what.  It’s not mine.  If someone is compelled in some way to contact me, I will allow it.  What am I getting on this level now?  Just the idea that perhaps it is time for this to resolve itself, in some way.  Whatever it is..it is unexpected, but I will not give it more weight than it needs.  I will not add anything to it other than a quiet contemplation of why it is being presented in the first place.  Like I said, it is a gift, perhaps an opportunity to heal something….and perhaps it is just what it is.

The key to any situation that occurs when we are caught off guard is to NOT run with it.  Quiet contemplation first….action or no action follows.  Nothing happens without the action part, but it’s not mine….it’s not my need to complete any action in this place and time.  I did that A LOT previously.  I am busy and busy is good…being busy is good if what you are learning and doing is enjoyable and heart-centered.  I have so much more work to do on myself, I don’t have the time to over-think things anymore…and that is a GOOD thing.

I would have obsessed on the meaning of this small interaction, but I have made peace with this, and honestly, I need to do what is right for myself and whole for my person.  I know that the meaning will be revealed to me, and that I do not need to worry about it.  Which in itself, is the most free I have ever been.  No need to waste any more time worrying about things I have no control over.

No need to spend too much time seeking answers that I don’t need.  I’m happy.  I’m happy in a real way, better than any other way.  I am also tired.  lol….the work I am doing can be draining at times, and I get tired often.  I have to take care of this body if I am going to continue this work.  Rest is something I need in a big way.  So, I take it.  I watched an Abraham-Hicks video on youtube where the channel was about being lazy and how if Source incarnated here….(the part that is not already here), Source would prefer to just do nothing!

We don’t take the time to cultivate what it is we need now.  Instead we focus our attention on the past or in the future, constantly struggling to undo the past, and constantly worried about securing our future.  What about right now? What about this moment.  Are we being today the way we should be:  just being, just living, just enjoying, just loving this gift we have…ourselves and our lives.

Things we need to know and learn will sometimes come up from the past…things we need to realize sometimes set future events in motion.  Without the realization of these things we find ourselves stuck and not moving forward.  I am living today in my moment, not questioning or caring why or what….just being, just being grateful and filled with happiness that I have this moment to be grateful for.  Whatever my past needs to tell me will be revealed through all the time I spend being clear and fulfilled with now.  Whatever future I am creating, it will mirror my contentment with things as they are.  I don’t need to chase any rainbows or hunt down my answers.  I just need to be here and now, for now.

Today is my present, I forgive myself and any other that may have harmed me in the past

The past cannot affect my present

I live in today and I am grateful for

My home, wife, children, granddaughter, my friends Kristy and Brownie, my family and all my really, really good friends who support what it is I do.  I am ready to be here and now, and to allow all good things to flow easily and gently to me.  I am receiving support and acknowledgment from the highest Almighty Source.  I am confident and content, secure and solvent.  I share my abundance with all who are near and dear to me.  My family is ONE collective.

Namaste.