The Raw and the Cooked meets redemption.
There are two things I promised myself and readers when I began to write this blog. First, I would be completely honest. This is not a difficult choice for me, as I cannot seem to be otherwise, almost to a fault. Second, I would bring the light and the dark part of myself into my posts.
See, we walk a fine line between being human and self-realization in human form. The things we experience (both good and bad, right and wrong) are all valuable experiences. The most dark times, when things are ending for us, are truly a beginning of another phase of life. Knowing this, does not make us any less pained or reactive at times. Sometimes it can even give us what we need to let go and take the plunge into that dark, deep, cold water….knowing we will resurface ever stronger.
The other day, when I wrote “The Raw and the Cooked”, it was rather self-serving. I knew it was ugly, but I was in pain and so, I said: “Here it is, my dark, how do you like it???” I wrote it almost like a child’s story….Once there was….and the girl who was now a woman…etc. This was an attempt to make it even more ugly than it stood on it’s own.
I wrote it to be confusing….you sometimes didn’t know, which girl, which woman was being pointed out in the story. This is to show the way history repeats itself, and how one abused child, who tried to break a cycle, became part of a world of abuse for another child. The story is dark, nasty and honestly no attempt at showing my ability as a writer. Just my struggling ability bring the dark into the light and burn the judgement away.
Judgement is something we all do everyday….this apple tastes better than this orange. This person is dressed nicer. I shouldn’t do that, that makes me look like an ass….I will wait until no one is around, and then I will do it!!
We are creatures of habit, we do what we do when we feel pain….drink, exercise, talk, cry, scream, eat, smoke…..write. I have always uses writing as an outlet. A way to pull out the darkest bits of me. A way to examine something and see it for all its gnarly barbs and pointy sticks. There are times when I write something now, and say….why did you post that? Well, that certainly isn’t going to help business!
I have to laugh, because no matter how hard another judges me, I will judge myself ever harder. There is no other reason for me to do what I do, except to help myself and others. That is what I do. I spend my own time in judgement, of myself, of others, of whatever. We all do, we sit in judgement. What flavor ice cream? This one is gross, that one is good…..every flavor has value. Every experience has value. Every person has value.
Here is where I use my own words to heal myself…”Every person has value.” This is the hardest thing I will ever say, but it must be said: If every person has value, then so does the boy who was angry. See, I thought I had brought to light my ability to forgive him for the things that he did. It was then that I realized, it was far worse than I had ever hoped or imagined. The boy who was angry, was angry because he was abused and neglected. He took his victim-hood out on others. I wore my victim-hood (and still do), like a suit of armor. Or, as I am reminded by some words that someone once said, not directly to me…but I got it…and often think of it: “Don’t wear your wounds like a badge!”
Now, I must see it, feel it, and walk myself through it. Now, I must sit in judgement of myself, and realize that a) there was nothing else that I could do or b) I just didn’t know how or c) I didn’t try hard enough.
I say: all of the above. Perhaps I am guilty of all three. Perhaps I was just ignorant and afraid. Perhaps…
Judgement. This is what a great spiritual reader and new friend told me I would be dealing with. Judgement is so large in my life at this moment….it’s big, it’s dark, and it’s ugly. This is the time of facing my demons, and bringing them to rest for the moment. I have work to do folks!
So, whatever you may think about me, or my blog, or anything else for that matter. Please remember when it seems the darkest, and we are the most weary, is when we are doing the hardest work of our lives. This is the darkest place that we will go, and every one of us will have to do so to walk into our own light. If we want to fill the space inside with light, we have to get the sludge out. There are easier ways, but I have always been on the dramatic side…so, eh, well…..what can I say.
I apologize to the little girl. It doesn’t mean much, but I am sorry. I am sorry that I couldn’t protect you.
Here is to being human!
May the road rise up to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face;
May the rains fall soft upon your fields,
and until we meet again
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.
For the sake of clarity, toast with whatever you think you should toast with!