Judgement.


The Raw and the Cooked meets redemption.

There are two things I promised myself and readers when I began to write this blog.  First, I would be completely honest.  This is not a difficult choice for me, as I cannot seem to be otherwise, almost to a fault.  Second, I would bring the light and the dark part of myself into my posts.

See, we walk a fine line between being human and self-realization in human form.  The things we experience (both good and bad, right and wrong) are all valuable experiences.  The most dark times, when things are ending for us, are truly a beginning of another phase of life.  Knowing this, does not make us any less pained or reactive at times.  Sometimes it can even give us what we need to let go and take the plunge into that dark, deep, cold water….knowing we will resurface ever stronger.

The other day, when I wrote “The Raw and the Cooked”, it was rather self-serving.  I knew it was ugly, but I was in pain and so, I said:  “Here it is, my dark, how do you like it???”  I wrote it almost like a child’s story….Once there was….and the girl who was now a woman…etc.   This was an attempt to make it even more ugly than it stood on it’s own.

I wrote it  to be confusing….you sometimes didn’t know, which girl, which woman was being pointed out in the story.  This is to show the way history repeats itself, and how one abused child, who tried to break a cycle, became part of a world of abuse for another child. The story is dark, nasty and honestly no attempt at showing my ability as a writer.  Just my struggling ability bring the dark into the light and burn the judgement away.

Judgement is something we all do everyday….this apple tastes better than this orange.  This person is dressed nicer.  I shouldn’t do that, that makes me look like an ass….I will wait until no one is around, and then I will do it!!

We are creatures of habit, we do what we do when we feel pain….drink, exercise, talk, cry, scream, eat, smoke…..write.  I have always uses writing as an outlet.  A way to pull out the darkest bits of me.  A way to examine something and see it for all its gnarly barbs and pointy sticks.  There are times when I write something now, and say….why did you post that?  Well, that certainly isn’t going to help business!

I have to laugh, because no matter how hard another judges me, I will judge myself ever harder.  There is no other reason for me to do what I do, except to help myself and others.  That is what I do.  I spend my own time in judgement, of myself, of others, of whatever.  We all do, we sit in judgement.   What flavor ice cream?  This one is gross, that one is good…..every flavor has value.  Every experience has value.  Every person has value.

Here is where I use my own words to heal myself…”Every person has value.”  This is the hardest thing I will ever say, but it must be said:  If every person has value, then so does the boy who was angry.  See, I thought I had brought to light my ability to forgive him for the things that he did.  It was then that I realized, it was far worse than I had ever hoped or imagined.  The boy who was angry, was angry because he was abused and neglected.  He took his victim-hood out on others.  I wore my victim-hood (and still do), like a suit of armor.  Or, as I am reminded by some words that someone once  said, not directly to me…but I got it…and often think of it:  “Don’t wear your wounds like a badge!”

Now, I must see it, feel it, and walk myself through it.  Now, I must sit in judgement of myself, and realize that a) there was nothing else that I could do or b) I just didn’t know how or c) I didn’t try hard enough.

I say:  all of the above.  Perhaps I am guilty of all three.  Perhaps I was just ignorant and afraid.  Perhaps…

Judgement.  This is what a great spiritual reader and new friend told me I would be dealing with.  Judgement is so large in my life at this moment….it’s big, it’s dark, and it’s ugly.  This is the time of facing my demons, and bringing them to rest for the moment.  I have work to do folks!

So, whatever you may think about me, or my blog, or anything else for that matter.  Please remember when it seems the darkest, and we are the most weary, is when we are doing the hardest work of our lives.  This is the darkest place that we will go, and every one of us will have to do so to walk into our own light.  If we want to fill the space inside with light, we have to get the sludge out.  There are easier ways, but I have always been on the dramatic side…so, eh, well…..what can I say.

I apologize to the little girl.  It doesn’t mean much, but I am sorry.  I am sorry that I couldn’t protect you.

Here is to being human!

May the road rise up to meet you,

May the wind be always at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face;

May the rains fall soft upon your fields,

and until we meet again

May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

For the sake of clarity, toast with whatever you think you should toast with!

Punk goes Acoustic


I finished watching a video on the Met’s “Punk: Chaos to Couture” extravaganza and I have to admit that I waxed nostalgic for a few moments.  Ahhh…punk where have you gone?

If you could see me, if you could truly see me…you would see ripped jeans, a vintage Ramone’s t-shirt, chucks, tattoos, piercings, and a glaring neon mohawk.  Oh, the days!

That is what I look like inside.  On the outside, I am some of that and the rest of who the public needs to see, and then who I need to see.

Just for the record, I already wrote this blog post once, but I guess it was not exactly what it should be (?) because it did not save.  I thought ehhh!!  I have to write it again, but as I do so….well, I see a bigger picture than just a few minutes ago.

This is not about me, although it started that way, as most of these writings do.  Here on the virtual page we express our experiences, and how they effect our thoughts and feelings in our world.

Today, I am looking at several people, myself included. I see a friend as well as my younger daughter, and I see that the words that will come out here will have weight and purpose.  So, a quick thanks to all that support this endeavor of mine to speak the truth…whatever the truth looks like.

I am 42 y/o, overweight, handi-abled, shaved head, loud and proud Being.   Proud of who I am in this society, but also proud of who I’m not.  I have shifted greatly with this shift and see those around me going through the struggle of shedding their outer layer…so to speak.

“We are in a time of integration.  Integrating many selves into a more “whole” self.  We are many forms in many planes, and exist simultaneously within ourselves.”

*So, for the audience I just want to interject that my blog has been semi-highjacked by Source, so the sudden change of topic (or not) is something I am allowing and accept.  I just wanted the disclaimer that this is channel.

I will continue in this style while typing channeled information.

“Realize that you have come here for a reason, you know that you are recognized as your truth, and that your endeavor to solicit attention to this channel is recognized.  Thank you for not interfering with the flow.  I assume you have taken precautions for the truth and only the truth to manifest within, and I acknowledge adhering to these mandates.  Thank you again for understanding the magnitude of the information and how it must be adapted to the general audience’s view.  No reason to feel shy.  We do not bite.  (laughter)

Realize, once again, that you have been chosen to relay this message, and that it is you who must do so.  Proceed with your original plan to allow testimony to the truth and all will be well.

I know that you are somewhat afraid still of the impact of these words on this audience of yours, but please, rest assured you are given whatever it is you need to accomplish this task.

We appreciate your sincerity and your ability to step aside for the greater good.  Thank you for your patience.

Dear audience thank you for receiving us this day, as I hope it finds you well.  We rejoice in the many who are following this thread and the need you have to discover the truth of yourself as we knew you would.

There are times that have been most difficult, recently, in your world, and you have struggled greatly.  Fear not this presence now that you feel, as it is for your benefit only.  Realize that you are capable of any decision you need to make for yourself and those you care for.  Remember that they are part of the Source itself, and part of the knowledge of BEing, part of the revolution of the whole which has sought to be ONE once more in physical as well as here in the light.  You remember once you had a dream of the many and the many spoke the same.  You are becoming one with your own now, and this is a very intricate process that you benefit from greatly.  This process can be taxing as your physical body stretches to accomodate most of your true essence, and your belief in your own abilities to transform yourself, your life your motivation for living itself!  Be open to the new, as it is your true way.  Do not deceive yourself into believing that you are experiencing these memories for no reason.  All is within you. You ARE the light and the guide as well as the truth, and you will come around again soon…knowing, debating, challenging these changes these beliefs, and insecurities will flare.

Think what you will, but it is futile to remain closed off to Spirit.  What you possess is yourself, nothing more, nothing less.  Open up to it, and you will be greatly surprised at the result.  Shrug off the old, relieve yourself of these burdens.  They are only self-imposed, only brought on by your own misguidance and illusion. You can leave this behind at any time…what will you create with your new abilities?  We are all waiting to see.  I know you can do this!  I am so happy for you and all of us are grateful for the challenges you endure for the greater good.  There is no need to justify your freedom, only acceptance is required.

Thank you again for your permission and your patience.  We are very honored to know you and to keep you in our company. “

That was nice actually, I was not entirely expecting it, but I am also being told to record it in voice.  I guess it is time, as I have been trying to do this for so long, and having difficulty doing so.  Amazing really.  This ride of ours gets better and better…please feel free to come along!!

Only Human…


Have you ever seen the show Being Human?  It’s not the best show, but for some reason I like it.  I’m a bit of a Sci-fi nerd.  I love the idea of something other than human, mostly because I feel so weak as one.  Being human sometimes feels abnormal.  I sometimes wonder what other species could be out there in the Universes.  When I grew up in the 70’s we were taught that there was 1 Universe.  Just one, ours.  Science told us so, and so we believed it so.  Forty-two years later Science tells us there are 100 billion Universes….with the possibility of other life up in the trillions!!  

Trillions. Yes, trillions….I said trillions!!  That is A LOT!

I used to say things such as:  “Honestly, how ridiculous are we to believe that we are the only planet, the only existing planet that holds life?”  I also said:  “If we really believe that we are the only “ONES”, and that we are the highest of intelligent life form, then we have failed miserably.”  Wow!!  I told you this girl had dark!

I honestly have to tell you that some days are darker than others and that I am struggling with that right now.  Struggling with my personal identity and my purpose.  I remain true to my purpose, but feel weak.  I remain guided, but I feel alone.  I remain an instrument of Source, of god, of whatever beautiful energy I have committed myself to.  I still believe.  I have complete faith in Source, and what they see for me.  It is only myself that stands in the way of total surrender.  The total surrender will come and soon.  To be 100% honest, it is only my own fear that is holding me in a state of unknowing.  I KNOW this.  As a human I feel weak.  In energy connected to life, responding to the sacred, accepting this in my heart has made me much stronger.  Yet, I feel weak.

I have strength….not of body, but of will, and I have allowed all that will transpire to transpire, and I feel weak.

I have great friends who call me and have wonderful conversations with me, and light up my entire world….I feel so much better in their presence.  I know what they tell me is true.  I know I can trust their words, just as I know when I cannot trust another.  I know a significant shift and change is happening, and when it is finished that nothing will be the same again.  I am waiting to embrace this change and all changes that come with it for me, and every other person.

Not everyone knows that sometimes the person that gives encouragement, light, and love to others is just as human as they are.  We are only human.  We are allowed to see what we see, hear what we hear, speak what we speak because of a commitment we made to aid and uplift ourselves and others.  This is how I see it.  I always ask for all involved to be uplifted.  The homework that I am giving myself this weekend is to discover why I feel responsible for everything.  Why do I not heed my own truth and take care of myself first as others do?  I encourage my clients to do EXACTLY this.  It is so important.

The “work” we do is not about saving others…it is about giving a hand up, and helping to empower them to be exactly who it is they want to be.  I am no savior!  I am no guru!  I encourage each person to use their innate gifts and free themselves.

Here is the catch.  You do not just do this once.  There is no magic wand.  You must take responsibility for your own personal journey.  Take responsibility for your own life, yourself.

I take responsibility for my own personal journey, I accept that Almighty Source has my best interest. That if I should call, Archangel Michael will walk with me.  I know, I know.. that I will always be taken care of.  I want for nothing.  I trust completely that all that transpires is for the greatest good of all involved, and I appreciate that there are reasons for everything.  I know that all that I have felt through this journey is true and that all that I feel now is also true.  I have been told to take care of myself, to rest, to eat right, to do what it is I need to for myself.  I have ignored that and kept old habits of chasing my tail trying to control the outcome of situations when I know that it is moot.

Being human is okay.  If you really want, you could put on some blue tights and a cape….why not?!  I won’t tell!

Being human can be difficult at times, but that is why we have each other.  We have our network, our friends, our loves, and our families.  We have so much and so many.  We are here for each other.  I like people, I love people….I cherish the connections I have with loving and kind friends.  My strength comes from humility and reverence for life and these experiences.  I am weak at times, and that is okay.  I am weak of body, even sometimes of mind, but I have strength in heart, in spirit, in energy.  I have strength when I need it and when I cannot have strength then someone else is strong for me.  I am lucky to have that in my life now.  I am beginning to feel comfortable with letting others take over for awhile.  To trust and know that others will be there when I cannot fully be there.  Because I have weakness….weakness of anger and doubt and fear….it comes, it goes, it comes, it goes.  It’s not an eruption like PTSD…I have acknowledged that and it has stayed quiet.  Its just a fear of losing control over something, or of not having control over how things change.  Yet, I trust.  I trust enough to be totally honest about my weaknesses, my challenges, my pain.  My peace!  I can achieve this peace….its just doing it.  Owning what it is you need and acquiring it.  Breathing.  Living. Feeling. Experiencing. Being. It takes a lifetime of practice and guts.  To stand up to yourself for yourself. To acknowledge you are the only one responsible for all that you touch.

Heavy, I know.  However, it doesn’t have to be.  It is only our own selves that cause the suffering we feel.  The loneliness and loss.  The isolation, the inability to connect out of fear. It’s only our fear, our illusions about ourselves and our lives that keep us here.  The house of mirrors.  Let’s get outta here!  Become aware, become awake, shake off the illusions of fear and defeat.  Stand up, rise up, get up!!!  Let’s get outta here!!!  Are you with me?