Judgement.


The Raw and the Cooked meets redemption.

There are two things I promised myself and readers when I began to write this blog.  First, I would be completely honest.  This is not a difficult choice for me, as I cannot seem to be otherwise, almost to a fault.  Second, I would bring the light and the dark part of myself into my posts.

See, we walk a fine line between being human and self-realization in human form.  The things we experience (both good and bad, right and wrong) are all valuable experiences.  The most dark times, when things are ending for us, are truly a beginning of another phase of life.  Knowing this, does not make us any less pained or reactive at times.  Sometimes it can even give us what we need to let go and take the plunge into that dark, deep, cold water….knowing we will resurface ever stronger.

The other day, when I wrote “The Raw and the Cooked”, it was rather self-serving.  I knew it was ugly, but I was in pain and so, I said:  “Here it is, my dark, how do you like it???”  I wrote it almost like a child’s story….Once there was….and the girl who was now a woman…etc.   This was an attempt to make it even more ugly than it stood on it’s own.

I wrote it  to be confusing….you sometimes didn’t know, which girl, which woman was being pointed out in the story.  This is to show the way history repeats itself, and how one abused child, who tried to break a cycle, became part of a world of abuse for another child. The story is dark, nasty and honestly no attempt at showing my ability as a writer.  Just my struggling ability bring the dark into the light and burn the judgement away.

Judgement is something we all do everyday….this apple tastes better than this orange.  This person is dressed nicer.  I shouldn’t do that, that makes me look like an ass….I will wait until no one is around, and then I will do it!!

We are creatures of habit, we do what we do when we feel pain….drink, exercise, talk, cry, scream, eat, smoke…..write.  I have always uses writing as an outlet.  A way to pull out the darkest bits of me.  A way to examine something and see it for all its gnarly barbs and pointy sticks.  There are times when I write something now, and say….why did you post that?  Well, that certainly isn’t going to help business!

I have to laugh, because no matter how hard another judges me, I will judge myself ever harder.  There is no other reason for me to do what I do, except to help myself and others.  That is what I do.  I spend my own time in judgement, of myself, of others, of whatever.  We all do, we sit in judgement.   What flavor ice cream?  This one is gross, that one is good…..every flavor has value.  Every experience has value.  Every person has value.

Here is where I use my own words to heal myself…”Every person has value.”  This is the hardest thing I will ever say, but it must be said:  If every person has value, then so does the boy who was angry.  See, I thought I had brought to light my ability to forgive him for the things that he did.  It was then that I realized, it was far worse than I had ever hoped or imagined.  The boy who was angry, was angry because he was abused and neglected.  He took his victim-hood out on others.  I wore my victim-hood (and still do), like a suit of armor.  Or, as I am reminded by some words that someone once  said, not directly to me…but I got it…and often think of it:  “Don’t wear your wounds like a badge!”

Now, I must see it, feel it, and walk myself through it.  Now, I must sit in judgement of myself, and realize that a) there was nothing else that I could do or b) I just didn’t know how or c) I didn’t try hard enough.

I say:  all of the above.  Perhaps I am guilty of all three.  Perhaps I was just ignorant and afraid.  Perhaps…

Judgement.  This is what a great spiritual reader and new friend told me I would be dealing with.  Judgement is so large in my life at this moment….it’s big, it’s dark, and it’s ugly.  This is the time of facing my demons, and bringing them to rest for the moment.  I have work to do folks!

So, whatever you may think about me, or my blog, or anything else for that matter.  Please remember when it seems the darkest, and we are the most weary, is when we are doing the hardest work of our lives.  This is the darkest place that we will go, and every one of us will have to do so to walk into our own light.  If we want to fill the space inside with light, we have to get the sludge out.  There are easier ways, but I have always been on the dramatic side…so, eh, well…..what can I say.

I apologize to the little girl.  It doesn’t mean much, but I am sorry.  I am sorry that I couldn’t protect you.

Here is to being human!

May the road rise up to meet you,

May the wind be always at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face;

May the rains fall soft upon your fields,

and until we meet again

May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

For the sake of clarity, toast with whatever you think you should toast with!

Our Secret Tragedy…


Cory Monteith was found dead in a Vancouver, British Columbia, hotel room on Saturday, July 13. The actor, who played heartthrob Finn Hudson on “Glee,” was 31 years old. The cause of death is not yet known, but Vancouver police ruled out foul play. An autopsy will be performed on Monday. Look back at Monteith’s recent years in photos.

From CNN Entertainment  article by  Steve Almasy

There is only one way to describe this occasion….tragic.  Many “celebrities” have succumbed to the temptation and overwhelming availability of drugs and alcohol over the years.  It is a well known fact that many young actors, musicians and vocalists have died due to the addiction that began when fame took over.

Cory Monteith was a struggling addict who recently entered rehab, and was found dead in his hotel room on Saturday.  It is not yet known how the actor died.  However, I am sure there is speculation to his past drug use and/or the effects that it has had on his physical self.

It is not usual that I am so moved by the death of a celebrity, but here and now, I am moved to the sadness of this tragic event.  I watch the tv show “Glee”, with my wife and had grown quite fond of the character Finn Hudson, which was played by Cory Monteith.  My wife is a true romantic at heart, and it pleased her that there was a real life romance between Monteith and his counterpart Lea Michele.  I guess I got caught up in it myself.

In all honesty, the truth of the matter is that I felt he was a genuine person.  Sometimes it feels as if you can “just tell” that here is someone you would like to know in your life.  I have none of the celebrity enthusiasm that most people do.  In fact, I am often put off by the lifestyle and pseudo glamor of over-paid persons doing a job.  How, in some circumstance,  they begin to believe their own fiction/illusion that was created for them.  I think I would refuse an invitation to meet most celebrities.  However, there are some people that stick out in your mind.  You see something in them, something familiar.  You can see that they put themselves into their work, they are grateful for what they have, and they trigger something that feels good inside you.  That is when you know that someone is true, real….not just the imagined fiction. Your gut tells you.

We see celebrities as characters on a show, or acting on stage….we don’t truly know them or understand them, we just look at their character and see if we can resonate with that…often forgetting that there is a human being behind the acting.

Cory Monteith admittedly began using drugs at the age of 13, entered rehab at age 19, and just recently this past April 2013, completed rehab after voluntarily putting himself back in the program.

Addiction is not a game, it is not an illness that is easy to conquer, and once addicted….always addicted.  There is never just one time for an addict.  Once is all it takes to spiral a well-made and “survived” life into a long-term tail spin.  I do not know if this tragic death was drug related.  I know through the media we will soon know, however….isn’t it something that we have already decided?  Won’t his legacy be tarnished by his history no matter how it is reported?  Or perhaps something good and honest will come of it.

My mind goes to Lea Michele, not her character Rachel Berry, but the woman who loves him, and how horrifying this time must be for her.  My mind goes to his family, who staged the intervention that got him to rehab at age 19, and especially to the sober man who fought and lost.  However this man, (this celebrity, this actor, musician, singer, loved one, son, brother, and lover) passed on….I hope it was gentle.  I hope it was kind.  I hope you were met with grace and love as you should be, not just because you deserve it, but because we all do.

Just posting the blog “Crossing the Line” was addressing how I would feel at a similar loss, and I cannot imagine the grief that is being felt at this time.  He has inspired me, through his ability to show us a loving and naive character struggling with life and love. Bless you Finn, and thank you Cory Monteith.  You will be missed.

Crossing the line..


Sometimes we are where we are and not able to shift from that place. Perhaps we are feeling something so intensely that we cannot find our way out of the paper bag. We have been taught to step back from others’ necessary experiences, acknowledge it for their journey, and allow things to play out as they need to.

Where is the line in the sand, and what do we do with the very real pain of watching someone we love in pain. After all we are truly human still and our emotions are real. We know that fear is an indication of being on the wrong path. This is something I share with my clients always. There are only two things to experience in truth….fear or love.

Watching someone you love go through the feelings necessary to heal them is extremely difficult. When do we step in? Is there a time to step in? I believe the line is when there is a life or death situation.

Okay, lets examine that….we know, that life never ends. Is it not then the choice of the person whether or not they want to opt out? Is death an experience of change or an experience of ending…and what is that end?

What I know is that life never ends. That here in this world we experience a physical life, and have an experience of physical death. What does opting out do for us?

I don’t feel that we are punished, that we go somewhere to suffer if we have not finished our life here. I don’t feel that we will create horrible karma for ourselves. However, I am reminded of something a friend of mine said to me not too long ago. I over-heard him talking about Gary Zukav. Gary Zukav was a very important beginning to my spiritual journey, as I felt my beliefs were being shown back to me in his books. I cannot quote exactly what he may have said here, but the gist is: those that choose to opt out, are not harming themselves so much as creating a void.

If you think of “A Wonderful Life” with the actor Jimmy Stuart, he asks that he was never born, and an angel comes and shows the character what life would be like if he had never been born. This is the result of opting out. It is not that we are punished for our choice, but that we are now absent. The ghost in the room, so to speak (hopefully, not the actual ghost in the room). I think that we would realize significantly that our reality on this side was just one of the things we agreed to experience before coming here.

So, here is the puzzle. If I have a soul contract with you, and you choose to opt out, are you now missing from my scenario or was my soul contract to have you missing and experience that??

I think in the end, that we can look at these experiences as having multiple layers and multiple realities….does this make opting out okay? I cannot even consider the amount of pain and loss I would experience if someone I loved chose this. I cannot think of it because it brings the highest fear possible to me. I cannot act from fear. This is the one thing I have learned that possibly can help any situation.

No matter how you feel, how fearful, how painful, how lost….ask…ask for someone to help raise your light. Having just consulted with one of the most respected channels I am aware of, I received my answer. Here and now I know that my job is the same as it has always been.

Use my words to raise the light, not allow the dark to be spoken, but to speak the truth that I know, regardless of what the belief is of those that are even the closest to my heart. To pretend or to hold back that light is not helping myself or any other. This world needs the light to bring awareness to the fear.

Fear is our illusion, what we put into play for our experience, but the game has changed. We do not have to live in fear. We can change that into love and light. I know this to be true and my words will be comforting, loving, and light….

To those I love the most in this world, you know who you are:

There is light around us, beautiful and loving. We are capable of being lighter beings who choose happiness and wholeness over pain and illusion. Only you can choose this for yourself, but I will not speak of pain to you, for you are only love to me. You are beautiful and I love you with all of my heart. You ARE capable of a good life, a strong life, a beautiful life, a happy life….you do not have to stay where you are in your head. I hope you will allow me to help you in love….not in fear…fear cannot be our way. The only way through is to acknowledge our light and allow that to grow within ourselves.

Special thanks to Lee Harris and the Z’s for answering my question today. Namaste.

 

 

Imagine…


Curiously enough, I was watching an interview video with Dustin Hoffman this morning regarding his role in “Tootsie”. I know this is floating around the media right now because of the emotion displayed in the video (it was originally posted in 2012).

Why are we so interested in the emotional response of others? Whether it be joy, fear, pain, anger, or sadness….when any person shows emotion we are drawn to that. Any video can go viral, if you just display enough of one of these emotions.

Hey, watch this kid go totally nuts on ecstasy! Hey, look at this woman fall down the stairs! Look, this man is crying!!!!

Here is what I think we feel:

We watch the kid on ecstasy and feel the following: fear (holy crap! what is going to happen to him), elation (wow! I wish I could feel like that..just once!) shame (what a douche! when really that was us last weekend)

We watch the woman fall down the stairs: fear (omg…is she dead?) elation (I am so glad that wasn’t me!) shame (I shouldn’t be laughing at this…others getting hurt is not funny)

We watch the man who is crying: fear (what the hell is wrong with this guy!) elation (thank god I don’t cry in public!) shame (I don’t cry in public, but I cry at home….I’m an ass!)

I see a trend. The reason why we are so fascinated with emotion in others, or emotion itself is because we have polluted the water (so to speak). We have for the longest time been told that emotions are bad, they are private…you don’t bring them to work, you don’t display them for others to see, you hide them from the people who are even closest to you. We get our emotional fix by watching others who display their emotions….books, movies…tv shows…youtube videos….

We watch people we admire have emotional break-downs and then throw trash at their heads. We applaud when they go to rehab or get psychiatric help, and at the same time they are never quite as good as they were before. Not as shiny, pretty, bold, strong. These are the illusions that we set up not only for ourselves, but ten fold for everyone else.

What Dustin Hoffman “confesses” (that is the word used by the media) is that he realized by playing the role of “Tootsie”, that he had been judging women by their outer appearance and that had cost him the friendship, companionship or even love of some women he would really have liked to spend time with.

He is emotional in the interview…very much so, even though you can see he is trying very hard to hold back the flood gates. It is beautiful to watch.

Why do I think Dustin Hoffman crying on a video is beautiful?

My dad never cried when I was young….he was born 1941, grew up in the 50-60s, when men did not show their emotions. I saw him cry a total of two times before I was 40. He is 72 this September and he cries freely with me on the phone, although I can feel him trying to hold back the floodgates. What opened him to feel, was the passing on of his wife.  So many years, but that is what it took.

In my marriage to my ex-husband, if I should cry about something, he would be quick to tell me to stop and not to cry in front of my children…it would upset them. I don’t show a lot of my feelings: pain, fear, etc….I don’t even try to hide them, it has become automatic….they turn into anger if I even try to talk about them though.  I am learning to process first and speak later.

Sometimes feeling our emotions can be overwhelming. Frightening. What will people think? Will they be afraid of me? Will they think I am weak? What happens if I cry at work? Will I get fired?

One of the things we are definitely feeling now is emotional, we are here to have a human experience and humans have emotions. The problem has been that we have forgotten that, and have built impossible rules around emotions: Never show anger = I will eventually have explosive anger.  Never cry at work or in front of your children, your parents, your girlfriend…whomever = I never express my feelings because I am too afraid to do so. This causes us to keep our emotions locked away where they fester and become distorted, and can ultimately cause illness.

We then classify this as mental illness.

What is mental illness? Mental illness is what we refer to when a person has an illness that involves emotions and chemicals that the brain controls. The brain is an organ…the most important organ in our body. Without proper brain function all of our systems are in jeopardy. Our brain is the machine, the battery that sparks and ignites our synapses, and allows us to use energy to send messages to the rest of our body….mostly without concentration or even “thinking” about it. It allows us to be alive. When someone is viewed as “brain-dead” they are considered dead. They are kept alive by machines, because their “machine” is no longer working. The body remains alive, but there is no activity in the most important organ of the body.

The brain is like a sponge….it is constantly learning new things…it learns about emotions and emotional discord…it learns depression and it remembers. Once thought processes (pathways) are created through experience, we can relive them….the brain has it on file. Once the brain learns to be depressed it will more likely reoccur. It remembers.

What we need to change is how we experience our emotions. Hiding our emotions, squashing them, pretending they are not there…causes the emotion to morph and become something that we only have shame for in this society. Mental illness is a physical illness with physical and mental symptoms that can ultimately result in death. The stigma around emotion and mental illness only makes this worse.

We can reteach ourselves. The brain remembers. It remembers happiness and sadness, elation and fear, depression and stability. We are the creators. Emotions are so important to us, to who we are as humans. Feel your emotions….you will discover when you feel them and face them, and deal with them….it is so much easier to be human. The emotions pass….they don’t stay locked up waiting to become the tornado that crushes your life. They go….and you are safe and whole, and the brain remembers.

The Comfortable Truth


What does it take for one to be comfortable within their own skin.  Confidence?  Reassurance?  Pride?  Parental affirmation? Peer acknowledgement?  Peace with our God/dess?  Love from our muse?

BEing is being comfortable with everything, within, without….the expression of love is where we reside.  How is this accomplished?  It is a lifetime journey that ebbs and waves, and presents challenges to this comfortable feeling all along the way.  Why?  Why can’t we just find bliss and stay there.  Why must we continue seeking the silver chain attached to this miracle?

We don’t.  We have choices, we have free will, we have much to learn about who we are, and if we don’t want to walk the walk, we don’t have to.  We can stay in our own self-imposed prison, we can beat ourselves up, cry ourselves to sleep, wear “Life is Crap” T-shirts (I used to do that all the time ;)….before I became an inspirational speaker…eh hemm..).  Okay, moving forward….

Recently, I almost gave up…in fact, maybe that was only a few sentences ago.  Instead, I am going to write here to tell you to NOT give up on yourself!  There will be days like this…there will be weeks like this…there may even be years like this…, and we have all been there.

I think there are many ways of looking at things, some may believe their “mentor” should be flawless or better yet, a martyr…We get that in God, don’t we?  The infallible Godhead, the martyred child.  I am not God, but I am, but I’m not, but I am….and so are you.  If we are fashioned as man in the form of God….then so god must be flawed.  No?  Why not?

If God were flawed, we could not give ourselves over to him, or put it in his hands, or blindly be lead with no responsibility to our own selves or each other.  God is Mighty, All-Knowing, All-Seeing.  We shall not question, for it is not ours to question, but to follow.

Sorry, I am going to say it: W-R-O-N-G!!  Okay, okay…..I hear you.  You need this.  You need to be PERFECT in his eyes, so that you may enter the pearly gates some day.  Rain check, please!! That my friends, is setting yourself up for complete and total failure.  And, if you fail….you will keep coming back to redeem yourself…keep putting the money into the basket….keep confessing how horrible you are….keep atoning for the very purpose you were born for.

Hmmm?  What you talkin’ bout, Willis??  No, I am not saying run wildly through society with utter abandonment for rules, regulations, and personal safety to all.  This is not a free ticket to kill your neighbor, or your neighbors cat, or do anything heinous to anyone or any living thing.  Do I need to high-light this?…Okay…Do not be an idiot.  Enough said.

Frankly, you are here for your own personal experiences that you as spirit, the collective Source, the God-spark,the light have chosen.  I have done the same.  I have come here, cocky and self-assured.  When I got here, I don’t think I knew just how hard it would be.  I spent many, many years suffering through it.  The choice is always ours.

I know that I could walk away right now…this minute…but I won’t.  I do not mean that I would no longer be here, but that I could change anything I want to right now, but I won’t.  Do I sound convincing enough?  I made a self-imposed oath to Source, the collective, the God-head, myself, the Universe.  I know all I have to do is say NO!  I can change my mind at anytime, but I won’t.

As hard as some days will be, as stressful as all that we are going through, will go through, will build again…will experience, I will not give up.  As much as I want to sometimes give up, give in, crawl under a rock…I will struggle until the end…the end of what….I have no idea. All I ask is that you struggle beside me.  Struggle to get out of bed, do your life, do whatever…struggle to write an inspiring poem or letter, or paint something beautiful because you can.  YOU can fill the world with beauty, with art, with self-expression AND be flawed!!  The light does not come from obtaining a place of perfection.  The light comes from the struggle.

Now is the time…the time of the creators, the time of us, the community, the meek, the strong, the heroes, the derelicts, the bold, the blighted, the downtrodden, the bright and the beautiful to step up.  Step up and acknowledge yourself and your truth, even if that is not comfortable.

Getting Bent


I took some time to think about writing about this, and I believe I took enough time to be able to talk about this in a calm manner without dredging up the past to the point that I react to it again.  I have PTSD, but have not had a symptomatic episode for almost two years until a few days ago.  Once I was practicing with energy daily, my symptoms just were not there anymore, and I did NOT expect it when it happened.

The trigger was pure emotion.  I was never afraid to cry, but with PTSD adrenaline was always there to fuel me before I could get to the crying.  It was not until the adrenaline wore off that I would sob.  If you know anything about PTSD, it is a dark, and angry road of a primal response gone rouge.  The natural instinct to fight or flight (and freeze), will kick in when there are dire circumstances.  In PTSD that trauma that created the situation has over sensitized the body, and this adrenaline response happens with very little pushing on that trigger.  It could be a word, a small action, a gesture, something in a movie, or just a personal issue.  This was a personal issue….I didn’t know why, but I was extremely over the top upset that day, barking at my wife, snapping at a friend and then sobbing for hours.  I later learned that there was a huge influx of solar flare energy hitting the Earth at that time.

One minute I was apologizing for being over emotional and crying, asking for help, and then click!  There goes that trigger.  If you want to envision pulling back that hammer go ahead…just remember after you point the gun at everyone else, you eventually point it right at your own head.  That is the closest I can get to telling you what it feels like.   Sheer rage, pain and panic. Once that adrenaline wears off, you are depressed and humiliated.  It is like waking up from a dream, and you say, “Did that really happen, or did I dream that?”  Only this time it really happened, and you only wish you dreamed it.

When you are in a PTSD episode no one can say anything to you.  My wife tried the “Do you think you may be over reacting?” only to get “NO!  What do you mean I’m f%#$@*g over reacting?  Do you really think I would be this upset over nothing…are you f%#$@*g kidding me?”  On and on and on and on….I raged.  I really don’t know how I have any relationships at all with this disorder.  It is a cruel taskmaster for sure.  You say and do things you would not do if you were only in your right mind.  The problem is you go from 0-60 in 3.3 seconds on a high octane fuel cocktail that will make you think you can smash your fist right through a wall or better yet someone’s face.  Yep.  That bad.

Normally, I can catch myself when I am triggered….I will say or do something horrendous, and then I will run.  I will run as far and fast as I can go (which really is not far these days….maybe to the couch?)  I do this to take myself out of the situation, and allow the adrenaline rush to subside so that I can think clearly again.  That didn’t happen.  I just ranted and ranted and worked myself up, and ranted again, and worked myself up more….

Then, I ran. Not physically, but mentally….I ran all over the internet cutting myself off from this group, from groups I actually formed myself…I left my own group!!  Bananas!!!!

Okay, what Gwen Stefani, is not saying here is….that’s my shit..ooohhhhohhh…that’s my shit.   Yes, this IS MY SHIT!  It’s all me, it’s mine, I own it, don’t even try to take responsibility for it…ooohhhhohhh….that’s my shit!   So, during the actual spiral into insanity….I am Gwen Stefani in this video (I wish!)  After the insanity spiral is over and I “come to” it’s all just shit…ooohhhohhh…that’s my shit!

See, everything I say is not inspiring and pretty.  You can apologize for this type of behavior, maybe you have even warned your friends that you have PTSD…just incase, but no one really knows until you blow, and when you blow, you are like a freight train bearing down the tracks and the people around you are tied to those tracks, and they see you coming, but they never manage to get out of the way fast enough.  Ooohhhohhh…that’s my shit, that’s my shit!

I HAD to share this post.  I had to because I promised to be honest with my audience, to show my dark and my light….my dark and my light.  My dark has helped me to seek the light, but I still carry it with me and for me to get anywhere with it, I have to acknowledge it, examine it…..figure it out.  I have to accept that it is there, and not just stick it in a closet somewhere hoping it doesn’t get out.  Here I am, I acknowledge you, I may not be proud of you, but you are me….we are each other, and I take responsibility for you.  I know you are not gone now, not hiding, or healed, just waiting….for the right moment….waiting to come into the light.

Can Anybody Find Me… Somebody toooooo…..


Ladies and Gentlemen, please stand for the talented, the gifted, the magnificent Freddie Mercury

There is always something to be said for the person who stays up late to write themselves a love note….who does that??

Well, I’m doing it, and why not, don’t I deserve it?  The time on my blog here is incorrect and I cannot for the life of me figure out how to change it to Eastern time.  Now that I have acknowledged it, I’m okay with it.  That is how most things happen these days, you recognize an issue, identify it to others, and upon said identification, the issue is resolved.  Really?….really!!  Truthfully, what took us weeks or months, or even years to identify within ourselves has become almost instantaneous.

What I can tell you, is if you are not paying attention you can create blockages in the same manner.  It is seriously not a time to be screwing around out there.  We are the creators of our destiny in every sense of the phrase…what we do, what we say, what we think…becomes our reality.  Honestly, this has always been so, it just took us more time to create it.

If you have not already noticed some changes, you will have no reason to deny these changes by mid-March.  The changes I speak of are happening everywhere around the world.  People fear change because it is unknown.  I choose to embrace these changes.  Since I have embraced change, I have only scratched the surface of who it is I am.  We will have challenges to overcome, this I know for sure.  The changes we will undergo will stress our need for community.  That is why community is now an idea that is being embraced just as easily as some are embracing these changes. You will soon come face to face with this for yourself.

If there is someone you should be kind to, someone you need to shine a little bit o’ light onto right now….that’s YOU!  Now, I know that I said this blog would be real.  It would focus on the dark and the light, don’t worry, I’m not about to let you down.  I also have nothing to say here that should scare anyone.

WE are not lost, but you will find that things will look darker before the light shines again.  This is not to say that there will not be a helping hand every step of the way.  When you come to a better understanding of how this process works, you may realize that some of this change can be somewhat difficult . Especially if you are not prepared for it.  I had no idea what was happening to me, and every day was not the energetic waltz.  It was more like tripping over your own shoelaces during a line dance, and causing a domino effect among all the other dancers. Stay strong, my lovlies!

Nothing is about to go smoothly, so when I say it is time to write yourself a love note, take my advice.  The best way through this is with all the self-love you can muster.  If you want energetic connection, you have to get rid of the life time of (maybe sometimes well intended) sometimes traumatic messages we have heard over our lives.  The messages that once were spoken to us, and then heralded by ourselves up to the heavens.  No job?  You’re lazy.  Overweight?  You’re a glutton.  Covered in mud?  You’re dirty.  Hey, I was gardening!!!!  Yeah, that’s right!!  With organic compost!  Is there another kind?

Anyone can tell you anything, and when we are young we listen.  Now, we are adults.  We have a choice.  Do you want to play that tape over and over and over again?  Good.  You don’t have to.  If you were interested in playing that tape just one last time….you would be playing it, and not reading this.  We all know that that one last time is always at the end of the bottle, not the beginning, on the last slice of cake, not the first, on the crumbled up pack, and not the first smoke, on the last score, or the last high, the last bet, the last drink, the last binge, the last bit of hell we can put ourselves through…until, we’ve had enough.

I had enough.  I had enough smokes, drinks, icecream tubs, sex, anger, depression, heartache, hate, pain, blame….I’ve tried a lot of ways to ignore my feelings, and I still work on it.  My body, my mind, my emotional, spiritual, mental, physical, energetic self needs LOVE.  I will take it above anything else. Without it, I am just a pile of bad decisions, mistakes, last chances, and lonely nights.

Now, here is the difference between what I propose and what you call being “saved”.  YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TRADE ONE ADDICTION FOR ANOTHER!!  Most of what we do, is trade one thing to obsess about for another thing to obsess about.  Here is how to tell if you are doing that:

Does it make you happy?  Truly happy, like you want to dance happy…all the time happy!!

Does it set you free? Like I can do whatever I want free, and I choose to do such awesome, loving acts of kindness to bestow upon myself free. 

Because I love myself.  Yeah, you heard me.  I don’t have a problem with it.  Do you?

This is how much:

Dear Laura,

I know that you have spent a lot of time thinking about all the trials that you have encountered over the years, and that you can appreciate each for its significant experience in your life.  I am so glad that you have chosen to release all pain and fear around these small incidences in your life.  You have so many years ahead to live a healthy, vibrant life, and I am so happy that you finally know just how much you deserve this.  Thank you for recognizing this at the most important time in your life.  You are very smart, and I am so glad to have you leading me, and making such good choices.  I admire your ability to face your fears openly and for learning all that you have from doing so.  Thank you for deciding that you are worth financial freedom, and the ability to treat your body with love and nutrition.  I know you are taking on as much as you can do for yourself right now, and you will definitely reach all your goals in time.  You are very patient and believe in yourself.  I don’t know anyone more honest, caring and loving than you.  You take care of yourself above all others, because you know that if you do not, you will not be able to take care of anyone else.  Because you are generous by nature Source has gifted you with abilities that you can share with others. It is this that makes you want others to empower themselves, and you are only better for that.  You receive every comfort in life, because you are ready to except this.  I am proud of you, and I love you!!!!

I could go on for days!!  I would be embarrassed to write this at any other time in my life, but I am releasing those old ways, as many times as I have to.  I am doing this because I am learning to love myself, and honor myself, and I will NEVER go back!!

Can anybody find mmeeeeee…somebody tooooo……..LOVE!