Becoming the Butterfly

I am going to tell you about my secret adventure.  A program being developed by my friend, April Adams.  I am also seeing many other persons begin to offer the same “type” of program.  Us “messengers” begin to get these similar messages at the same time, but we sometimes perceive them quite differently.  This is because we don’t all need the same thing.  However, this program is different?  Why?

Because my family and I have had the most horrifying things happen in our lives recently.  I have nearly lost 4 of the closest people to my heart in very significant and painful ways. How close to the heart is this??  This is my family, my children, my wife, my granddaughter, and when I say lost…I mean lost to me forever on this plane of existence.

I once talked about how I perhaps was meant to hold space for energy, to meditate all day every day on raising our vibration and just being a channel for information.  I didn’t know if I would be able to commit myself to a life that didn’t involve being in “life”.

What I am seeing lately, is that our worst fears are coming up NOW!  To have us face them. To heal and cleanse them.  Let me tell you, in no way did I think that it would be presented to me in this way.  I have been struggling the last couple of months to do what it is I believe I need to, but I have not been able to use any personal energy to help myself.

To heal and love myself, even when I am at the lowest possible point in my life….losing those I love is the worst thing that I could imagine happening, and I still feel like I am on a teeter-totter of pain, ready to fall off into the abyss at any moment. One more small weight of a feather.

This is where April Adams has stepped in.  She has created a program that has immediately been able to help me become the person I want to be.  Not need to be, or forced to be, or became because someone’s ideas where forced upon me.  But, in my own words, just spoken in her beautiful voice. Using this program, I can FEEL the difference in myself in just the last four days that I have been using it.

The first time I used the meditation program (this is not just a meditation program…believe me and this is not a sales pitch, as it is not available to the public yet….), I was able to observe its effects on my mind and body.  This is because I have been training myself for sometime achieving a certain state of mind.  This program trumps that ten fold.

I am sharing my incredible experiences here because this is what I do.  I share.  I speak. I put myself out there.

I may seem preachy sometimes, in fact, I know I do.  I also have a lot of dark pain to show you so that  you realize that you can fight whatever there is ahead of you with certain tools and support systems.  Trust me…April and I have been working together for this very moment for sometime now.  Having channeled information for the shift as well as the changes that will take place during this time.

I cannot stress enough to you that you MUST reach out to those around you now in this time.  Community is essential and the caregivers are ready to receive you.  I am working hard at being MYSELF these days, or I WILL be lost into that abyss.  I know now, the games have begun.

With this program today, I listened and at first I could not relax as my muscles (from my physical challenge) were spasming badly this morning.  I was just about to think….I will have to start this listening session over again and the next thing I know…bam!  I was on my way to the programing session….spoken in my own words, with April’s voice I was comfortably lulled into positive expression of self.  I felt the words stop but I was completely relaxed, and in the in between state of wake and sleep.  I listened to the silence that was after my program and felt at peace.  No worry, no fear.  Restful and pleasantly sleepy.  I napped afterward and had vivid dreams.  It was the best rest that I have gotten in the last month or more.  When I got up, I felt GOOD!  Better than good, great…I walked my dogs and took them on a long walk….feeling the weather and enjoying it.  I then came back and wrote this.

I am excited for the rest of this day, for this turning point for myself, and I encourage all of you….gather your tools, your friends, your community, and prepare yourself for your own emergence.

The butterfly escapes!

Our Secret Tragedy…

Cory Monteith was found dead in a Vancouver, British Columbia, hotel room on Saturday, July 13. The actor, who played heartthrob Finn Hudson on “Glee,” was 31 years old. The cause of death is not yet known, but Vancouver police ruled out foul play. An autopsy will be performed on Monday. Look back at Monteith’s recent years in photos.

From CNN Entertainment  article by  Steve Almasy

There is only one way to describe this occasion….tragic.  Many “celebrities” have succumbed to the temptation and overwhelming availability of drugs and alcohol over the years.  It is a well known fact that many young actors, musicians and vocalists have died due to the addiction that began when fame took over.

Cory Monteith was a struggling addict who recently entered rehab, and was found dead in his hotel room on Saturday.  It is not yet known how the actor died.  However, I am sure there is speculation to his past drug use and/or the effects that it has had on his physical self.

It is not usual that I am so moved by the death of a celebrity, but here and now, I am moved to the sadness of this tragic event.  I watch the tv show “Glee”, with my wife and had grown quite fond of the character Finn Hudson, which was played by Cory Monteith.  My wife is a true romantic at heart, and it pleased her that there was a real life romance between Monteith and his counterpart Lea Michele.  I guess I got caught up in it myself.

In all honesty, the truth of the matter is that I felt he was a genuine person.  Sometimes it feels as if you can “just tell” that here is someone you would like to know in your life.  I have none of the celebrity enthusiasm that most people do.  In fact, I am often put off by the lifestyle and pseudo glamor of over-paid persons doing a job.  How, in some circumstance,  they begin to believe their own fiction/illusion that was created for them.  I think I would refuse an invitation to meet most celebrities.  However, there are some people that stick out in your mind.  You see something in them, something familiar.  You can see that they put themselves into their work, they are grateful for what they have, and they trigger something that feels good inside you.  That is when you know that someone is true, real….not just the imagined fiction. Your gut tells you.

We see celebrities as characters on a show, or acting on stage….we don’t truly know them or understand them, we just look at their character and see if we can resonate with that…often forgetting that there is a human being behind the acting.

Cory Monteith admittedly began using drugs at the age of 13, entered rehab at age 19, and just recently this past April 2013, completed rehab after voluntarily putting himself back in the program.

Addiction is not a game, it is not an illness that is easy to conquer, and once addicted….always addicted.  There is never just one time for an addict.  Once is all it takes to spiral a well-made and “survived” life into a long-term tail spin.  I do not know if this tragic death was drug related.  I know through the media we will soon know, however….isn’t it something that we have already decided?  Won’t his legacy be tarnished by his history no matter how it is reported?  Or perhaps something good and honest will come of it.

My mind goes to Lea Michele, not her character Rachel Berry, but the woman who loves him, and how horrifying this time must be for her.  My mind goes to his family, who staged the intervention that got him to rehab at age 19, and especially to the sober man who fought and lost.  However this man, (this celebrity, this actor, musician, singer, loved one, son, brother, and lover) passed on….I hope it was gentle.  I hope it was kind.  I hope you were met with grace and love as you should be, not just because you deserve it, but because we all do.

Just posting the blog “Crossing the Line” was addressing how I would feel at a similar loss, and I cannot imagine the grief that is being felt at this time.  He has inspired me, through his ability to show us a loving and naive character struggling with life and love. Bless you Finn, and thank you Cory Monteith.  You will be missed.

Crossing the line..

Sometimes we are where we are and not able to shift from that place. Perhaps we are feeling something so intensely that we cannot find our way out of the paper bag. We have been taught to step back from others’ necessary experiences, acknowledge it for their journey, and allow things to play out as they need to.

Where is the line in the sand, and what do we do with the very real pain of watching someone we love in pain. After all we are truly human still and our emotions are real. We know that fear is an indication of being on the wrong path. This is something I share with my clients always. There are only two things to experience in truth….fear or love.

Watching someone you love go through the feelings necessary to heal them is extremely difficult. When do we step in? Is there a time to step in? I believe the line is when there is a life or death situation.

Okay, lets examine that….we know, that life never ends. Is it not then the choice of the person whether or not they want to opt out? Is death an experience of change or an experience of ending…and what is that end?

What I know is that life never ends. That here in this world we experience a physical life, and have an experience of physical death. What does opting out do for us?

I don’t feel that we are punished, that we go somewhere to suffer if we have not finished our life here. I don’t feel that we will create horrible karma for ourselves. However, I am reminded of something a friend of mine said to me not too long ago. I over-heard him talking about Gary Zukav. Gary Zukav was a very important beginning to my spiritual journey, as I felt my beliefs were being shown back to me in his books. I cannot quote exactly what he may have said here, but the gist is: those that choose to opt out, are not harming themselves so much as creating a void.

If you think of “A Wonderful Life” with the actor Jimmy Stuart, he asks that he was never born, and an angel comes and shows the character what life would be like if he had never been born. This is the result of opting out. It is not that we are punished for our choice, but that we are now absent. The ghost in the room, so to speak (hopefully, not the actual ghost in the room). I think that we would realize significantly that our reality on this side was just one of the things we agreed to experience before coming here.

So, here is the puzzle. If I have a soul contract with you, and you choose to opt out, are you now missing from my scenario or was my soul contract to have you missing and experience that??

I think in the end, that we can look at these experiences as having multiple layers and multiple realities….does this make opting out okay? I cannot even consider the amount of pain and loss I would experience if someone I loved chose this. I cannot think of it because it brings the highest fear possible to me. I cannot act from fear. This is the one thing I have learned that possibly can help any situation.

No matter how you feel, how fearful, how painful, how lost….ask…ask for someone to help raise your light. Having just consulted with one of the most respected channels I am aware of, I received my answer. Here and now I know that my job is the same as it has always been.

Use my words to raise the light, not allow the dark to be spoken, but to speak the truth that I know, regardless of what the belief is of those that are even the closest to my heart. To pretend or to hold back that light is not helping myself or any other. This world needs the light to bring awareness to the fear.

Fear is our illusion, what we put into play for our experience, but the game has changed. We do not have to live in fear. We can change that into love and light. I know this to be true and my words will be comforting, loving, and light….

To those I love the most in this world, you know who you are:

There is light around us, beautiful and loving. We are capable of being lighter beings who choose happiness and wholeness over pain and illusion. Only you can choose this for yourself, but I will not speak of pain to you, for you are only love to me. You are beautiful and I love you with all of my heart. You ARE capable of a good life, a strong life, a beautiful life, a happy life….you do not have to stay where you are in your head. I hope you will allow me to help you in love….not in fear…fear cannot be our way. The only way through is to acknowledge our light and allow that to grow within ourselves.

Special thanks to Lee Harris and the Z’s for answering my question today. Namaste.




Curiously enough, I was watching an interview video with Dustin Hoffman this morning regarding his role in “Tootsie”. I know this is floating around the media right now because of the emotion displayed in the video (it was originally posted in 2012).

Why are we so interested in the emotional response of others? Whether it be joy, fear, pain, anger, or sadness….when any person shows emotion we are drawn to that. Any video can go viral, if you just display enough of one of these emotions.

Hey, watch this kid go totally nuts on ecstasy! Hey, look at this woman fall down the stairs! Look, this man is crying!!!!

Here is what I think we feel:

We watch the kid on ecstasy and feel the following: fear (holy crap! what is going to happen to him), elation (wow! I wish I could feel like that..just once!) shame (what a douche! when really that was us last weekend)

We watch the woman fall down the stairs: fear (omg…is she dead?) elation (I am so glad that wasn’t me!) shame (I shouldn’t be laughing at this…others getting hurt is not funny)

We watch the man who is crying: fear (what the hell is wrong with this guy!) elation (thank god I don’t cry in public!) shame (I don’t cry in public, but I cry at home….I’m an ass!)

I see a trend. The reason why we are so fascinated with emotion in others, or emotion itself is because we have polluted the water (so to speak). We have for the longest time been told that emotions are bad, they are private…you don’t bring them to work, you don’t display them for others to see, you hide them from the people who are even closest to you. We get our emotional fix by watching others who display their emotions….books, movies…tv shows…youtube videos….

We watch people we admire have emotional break-downs and then throw trash at their heads. We applaud when they go to rehab or get psychiatric help, and at the same time they are never quite as good as they were before. Not as shiny, pretty, bold, strong. These are the illusions that we set up not only for ourselves, but ten fold for everyone else.

What Dustin Hoffman “confesses” (that is the word used by the media) is that he realized by playing the role of “Tootsie”, that he had been judging women by their outer appearance and that had cost him the friendship, companionship or even love of some women he would really have liked to spend time with.

He is emotional in the interview…very much so, even though you can see he is trying very hard to hold back the flood gates. It is beautiful to watch.

Why do I think Dustin Hoffman crying on a video is beautiful?

My dad never cried when I was young….he was born 1941, grew up in the 50-60s, when men did not show their emotions. I saw him cry a total of two times before I was 40. He is 72 this September and he cries freely with me on the phone, although I can feel him trying to hold back the floodgates. What opened him to feel, was the passing on of his wife.  So many years, but that is what it took.

In my marriage to my ex-husband, if I should cry about something, he would be quick to tell me to stop and not to cry in front of my children…it would upset them. I don’t show a lot of my feelings: pain, fear, etc….I don’t even try to hide them, it has become automatic….they turn into anger if I even try to talk about them though.  I am learning to process first and speak later.

Sometimes feeling our emotions can be overwhelming. Frightening. What will people think? Will they be afraid of me? Will they think I am weak? What happens if I cry at work? Will I get fired?

One of the things we are definitely feeling now is emotional, we are here to have a human experience and humans have emotions. The problem has been that we have forgotten that, and have built impossible rules around emotions: Never show anger = I will eventually have explosive anger.  Never cry at work or in front of your children, your parents, your girlfriend…whomever = I never express my feelings because I am too afraid to do so. This causes us to keep our emotions locked away where they fester and become distorted, and can ultimately cause illness.

We then classify this as mental illness.

What is mental illness? Mental illness is what we refer to when a person has an illness that involves emotions and chemicals that the brain controls. The brain is an organ…the most important organ in our body. Without proper brain function all of our systems are in jeopardy. Our brain is the machine, the battery that sparks and ignites our synapses, and allows us to use energy to send messages to the rest of our body….mostly without concentration or even “thinking” about it. It allows us to be alive. When someone is viewed as “brain-dead” they are considered dead. They are kept alive by machines, because their “machine” is no longer working. The body remains alive, but there is no activity in the most important organ of the body.

The brain is like a sponge….it is constantly learning new things…it learns about emotions and emotional discord…it learns depression and it remembers. Once thought processes (pathways) are created through experience, we can relive them….the brain has it on file. Once the brain learns to be depressed it will more likely reoccur. It remembers.

What we need to change is how we experience our emotions. Hiding our emotions, squashing them, pretending they are not there…causes the emotion to morph and become something that we only have shame for in this society. Mental illness is a physical illness with physical and mental symptoms that can ultimately result in death. The stigma around emotion and mental illness only makes this worse.

We can reteach ourselves. The brain remembers. It remembers happiness and sadness, elation and fear, depression and stability. We are the creators. Emotions are so important to us, to who we are as humans. Feel your emotions….you will discover when you feel them and face them, and deal with them….it is so much easier to be human. The emotions pass….they don’t stay locked up waiting to become the tornado that crushes your life. They go….and you are safe and whole, and the brain remembers.

Expect the Unexpected

Did you ever notice that it is only when you feel that you are done with something, that you are faced with that very same thing?  Here it is…*BOOM*!!

Wait!  I just finally got past that in my life..really, c’mon!

Oh, well…so, now this THING, this person, this situation, this experience in life that you thought you were done with….here it is hitting you smack dab in the middle of your third eye, and you are saying…nope, been there done that!

Expect the Unexpected!  Because just when you completely don’t even think along the lines that you used to….here it is again….whatever this THING is…it is a part of your BEing…how you got here, who you left behind, or even who carried you.

Hello, again! It looks like #@$%&*, but it is truly a gift.

A few weeks back, I was shown that I would be dealing with some childhood issues (memories) that would come up for me.  They have and I have been very good at seeing it for what it was, is, and will be…just experiences that I have (eventually) used to make my life the best it can be.  Still working on it!  So, no surprise for me to find that the things that I would never have guessed would happen should be suddenly right in front of me!

It’s here, so that means that Source has a reason for me to look at it again.  Yes, it is someone and something from my past that has not been healed, but I thought I had finally made my peace with it, and moved on.

The other part of all of this is, that every interaction is a 2 way street.  There is never only a one-sided exchange.  We get what we get.  Whenever you feel that you are giving more than you are getting…take a quiet look at the situation.  The frustration may be just that you are not seeing what it is you are actually receiving from the interaction.

One thing I do know is that, in a million years, I would of never expected this particular person to contact me in any way, and yet…..

So, what now?  Nothing now.  That’s what.  It’s not mine.  If someone is compelled in some way to contact me, I will allow it.  What am I getting on this level now?  Just the idea that perhaps it is time for this to resolve itself, in some way.  Whatever it is unexpected, but I will not give it more weight than it needs.  I will not add anything to it other than a quiet contemplation of why it is being presented in the first place.  Like I said, it is a gift, perhaps an opportunity to heal something….and perhaps it is just what it is.

The key to any situation that occurs when we are caught off guard is to NOT run with it.  Quiet contemplation first….action or no action follows.  Nothing happens without the action part, but it’s not mine….it’s not my need to complete any action in this place and time.  I did that A LOT previously.  I am busy and busy is good…being busy is good if what you are learning and doing is enjoyable and heart-centered.  I have so much more work to do on myself, I don’t have the time to over-think things anymore…and that is a GOOD thing.

I would have obsessed on the meaning of this small interaction, but I have made peace with this, and honestly, I need to do what is right for myself and whole for my person.  I know that the meaning will be revealed to me, and that I do not need to worry about it.  Which in itself, is the most free I have ever been.  No need to waste any more time worrying about things I have no control over.

No need to spend too much time seeking answers that I don’t need.  I’m happy.  I’m happy in a real way, better than any other way.  I am also tired.  lol….the work I am doing can be draining at times, and I get tired often.  I have to take care of this body if I am going to continue this work.  Rest is something I need in a big way.  So, I take it.  I watched an Abraham-Hicks video on youtube where the channel was about being lazy and how if Source incarnated here….(the part that is not already here), Source would prefer to just do nothing!

We don’t take the time to cultivate what it is we need now.  Instead we focus our attention on the past or in the future, constantly struggling to undo the past, and constantly worried about securing our future.  What about right now? What about this moment.  Are we being today the way we should be:  just being, just living, just enjoying, just loving this gift we have…ourselves and our lives.

Things we need to know and learn will sometimes come up from the past…things we need to realize sometimes set future events in motion.  Without the realization of these things we find ourselves stuck and not moving forward.  I am living today in my moment, not questioning or caring why or what….just being, just being grateful and filled with happiness that I have this moment to be grateful for.  Whatever my past needs to tell me will be revealed through all the time I spend being clear and fulfilled with now.  Whatever future I am creating, it will mirror my contentment with things as they are.  I don’t need to chase any rainbows or hunt down my answers.  I just need to be here and now, for now.

Today is my present, I forgive myself and any other that may have harmed me in the past

The past cannot affect my present

I live in today and I am grateful for

My home, wife, children, granddaughter, my friends Kristy and Brownie, my family and all my really, really good friends who support what it is I do.  I am ready to be here and now, and to allow all good things to flow easily and gently to me.  I am receiving support and acknowledgment from the highest Almighty Source.  I am confident and content, secure and solvent.  I share my abundance with all who are near and dear to me.  My family is ONE collective.