With Writing This I Hope

Sometimes when you are used to an influx of almost constant information, you hit a quiet time.  Quiet times often preclude a big energetic event, new information, or even a time of great challenge.  When I get into this quiet zone, it can feel very melancholy for me.  I have become accustomed to being in energy, and the only other way to feel is “regular”.  Not that that should be bad, but feeling uplifted all the time definitely has its perks.  Tonight, I did some automatic writing for myself, and I will share it here with you:

(while asking Source for guidance)

“Do you know that you are able to discern this information for yourself?  Please rely on your own inner feelings and beliefs.  You are capable of reaching your desired outcome.  Realize you are unable to prevent this from happening.  Be aware that you are resisting the urge to complete what needs to be done, but you must forge ahead.  You are to discover that help is coming, and to initiate that (help through thought and voice).  Realize that you will need to express yourself in a way that serves the higher good, but also remind others of what is needed in this world to push forward.  You are entitled to this opportunity and will do well with it, don’t misrepresent who you are, but realize that you are all that you need.  Be aware that others may not have your best interest in mind and only you can understand what it is you need.  Remember who you are and lead.”

The words in parentheses are what I believe to be accurate, but when I auto-write, sometimes it is hard to read back exactly what I wrote.  Anyway, with writing this I hoped to gain better clarification with some things that have been on my mind.  All I feel I got was more of my own “put your money where your mouth is”  neo-scripture jargon.  Yes, I say my own, because sometimes that is how it feels.  I feel like I am repeating myself over and over with the same answer to different people, and I hear the message, understand the message, but get tired of hearing the message.  Realize that we (energetic workers) don’t always love every bit of every day.  It can be quite draining at times.  Then, in a way of sorts, I hear my own words echoed at me.  When people ask for information, it is me, (as the messenger) that needs to tell them that the answers are within them, to trust their heart and follow it.  When I feel lost, I ask for guidance from Source, and often I am told that I have my own answers, that I must trust myself to find them.  How frustrating!!  Now, I get it!!  Are you going to answer me or not?!  She said with an angry inflection!!! 

I am kind of getting a taste of my own medicine here.  Source is cryptic with me, I am cryptic with you.  I am meant to “lead” you to your own personal empowerment, and that is what Source does with every one of us.  This whole do it yourself thing can be tough at times.  I mean, really, if I had the answer, would I be asking….that is another thing I say to people:  If you were happy in that situation, you wouldn’t be asking me.  Maybe Source is saying, “How about being a little more sensitive to others?”  Ugh!!  I am such a brat!

Maybe Source thinks that I should just think for myself….

Would Source tell me to stop asking….they say “no”.  Okay….now what?  Guess I need to go back to trusting Source and trusting myself.  If the answers were not within this being…then where would they be?  Would I send myself here without cryptic messages, and hidden meanings to help me along the way?  Hell no!!  I’d be slipping myself a note or two every chance I got!!

Just don’t shoot the messenger!

Laura 🙂

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

One of the things I have always been good at, is making decisions.  I am very impulsive, but work great under pressure.  Some of the people closest to me, are terrible decision makers….and it drives me crazy!!!  I am a person of action.  I have considerable difficulty waiting for anything!  A phone call, an answer, someone needing to make a decision….waiting, waiting, waiting….  It is not a wonder that my illness has slowed me down considerably. It is not surprising that whenever I get it in my head to start running around, doing, doing, doing….Source will put me right down again.  I am a hard player, and a stubborn student!  In truth I have learned quite a bit, but it is oh, so easy to let ego take over, and put me once again in the position of needing to be STOPPED!!!

I often advise clients to begin meditation.  I do this because I know that quieting the mind is as powerful, even more powerful than taking action!  We are doers….always looking to manipulate our situation to what we “think” is best for us.  That is the problem right there…too much thinking.  We have no idea what we are doing, mostly because we are always listening to our own brains rattle and hum.  Are you are person who worries, and has a hard time making decisions??? Or are you more like me…impulsive, very little patience, and quick to take action???  The answer to either situation is the same.  Get out of your own way.  It is not the external presence that makes or breaks us, it is how we react to it, and what we believe about it.

The true action is stillness.  The true thought process is internal and heart evaluated.  SHHHHH!! I’m meditating!

I truly encourage, every person, any person…to try it!  Here comes the thoughts:  I’ve already tried, I can’t do it…I don’t have time for that, I’m too busy….Nothing happens when I meditate….

Okay, I hear you…meditation takes practice, and will.  First you must realize that you are allowed to rest…huh, what?  This insane need to stay moving, and running, and working, and doing…is not getting you anywhere!  STOP!  You are being guided, you can do anything, you are worthy, you deserve rest, enlightenment, happiness, and comfort.  When you are allowing yourself to stop, rest, breathe, and just live, you are ALIVE!  The opposite, is what we think we must be or do.  STOP!!  Seriously, just stop.  Stop the frantic peddling in the wrong direction.

Close your eyes, and allow Source to take over.  Let it all go.  It’s not important.  It’s an illusion.  This peddling is just churning up water, causing discord with your true self.  Let go!!  Realize that there is no other way to know your destiny, except for accepting it.  We don’t always have the answers, but if we believe that all experiences have value, and all experiences are necessary to develop into who it is that we are, then why does it matter?  We are guided, truly, we are.  Every time that we resist the flow, every time we are paddling against the current….we are running away from who we are.  We worry about our course, we put so much energy into paddling, paddling, paddling…..we are creating the situation of worry, and the need to keep paddling in fear.  We are conjuring up a tsunami sized wave.

This is what I tell clients when they are paddling against a tsunami:

Feel it…feel the tsunami rising higher, higher, higher….now, turn your back to it.  What?!  There is a feckin’ TSUNAMI coming!!!!  Turn your back on the wave!!  Close your eyes and feel…feel your fear..allow it to come…its already in progress, so let it go.  Feel it rising, rising, cresting…this wave is going to crash!

Just as the wave begins to crash down, realize that it is not going to hit you!  Breathe out….a sigh of relief!!  Watch the wave crash just outside of you, and feel all the strength of that wave become calm, soothing, buoying energy…..float… now the wave is pushing you gently, you are bobbing nicely in the beautiful sea. Being pushed gently towards shore.  Allow this energy to now flow over you.  Realize this energy is powerful, but gentle.  This powerful gentleness caresses you and allows you complete comfort, and knowledge of the beautiful gift of calmness, lightness, and relaxation.

You just survived a tsunami of your own creation! Congratulations!  You have a choice, you can make a decision here and now; stop creating tsunamis.  Stop paddling!  Allow the smooth, gentle, yet powerful energy to guide you.  Or, even when you encounter large waves….turn your back, and allow them to buoy you.  Stop paying so much attention to things that you find fearful or uncomfortable.  The fear is made in your mind.

Stop listening to your mind, and tap into the quiet, gentle vision of your heart.  Your heart knows you.  Your heart is your life force.  Essentially, our heart beats involuntarily to circulate our blood which provides, food, nutrients, gases (oxygen); everything we need to stay alive.  Our heart also feels, we tend to think that this is an anomaly.  How can an organ, a muscle feel??? Well the rest of your body feels as well.  So, why would it be any different with any other organ/muscle??  Emotion is REAL, and we don’t need to know how or why we feel it.  We don’t need to know why or how our heart sings or aches, we just need to recognize that it does.  Pay attention to your inner-most feelings, they are here to guide you.  If you need help…ASK!!!  Be gentle on yourself.  If the life you are not living does not make you feel ALIVE….stop living it, and choose something else!

Easier said than done, right???  No, its easier done!  Letting go is unbelievably beautiful!  The lightness, the happiness, the understanding, and allowing, and just ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!  It is lovely.   When we finally understand we need to let go, and we do…..you are going to realize that this is so much easier, so much more fulfilling, and those around you will notice too.  Your personal light shines brighter, and others will want to know what you are doing to make this so.  They will recognize this change in you, and want it for themselves.  This is how the collective works.  We are all intrinsically connected.  When we choose fear and running, all of us are fearful and running around.  When we choose calmness, and guidance, all of us are calm and guided.  When enough of us choose calmness and guidance, we will have created a shift.  A shift in energy to create a better, more harmonious, loving world.

Hey, Mikey!  Try it, you just might like it!!

Life in the Fast Lane-Part deux

Part two

In the winter of 2008-2009, I recognized my first symptoms, but being the stubborn individual I am, I ignored them.  Sometimes being smart makes you dumb.  I was actually working full-time and going to a full-time nursing program. I recognized the symptoms for what they were, but told myself I didn’t have time for that.

I took a smoking cessation drug, and experienced the worst, most ugly depression I have ever had in my life.  I took the drug for a month, quit smoking, and the trouble started when I stopped taking it.  In 2006 the manufacturer of this drug (not naming names), knew that a person with a predisposition to depression (PTSD), should not use the drug.  In 2009, after I had taken the drug (I actually took it Nov 2008), they issued a black box warning on the drug, and on its commercials, that anyone who has this history can become depressed, suicidal, etc.  I found this out by watching the commercial on television.  I did my research, and found out that the company knew this was a possibility in 2006.  Also, it has been linked to autoimmune disorders (this is where the body acts against its’ self), such as Type 2 diabetes (which I have).  This is how my movement disorder works….it is thought (and I am still undiagnosed), that the brain sends mixed signals to the muscles when movement is occurring.  The muscles receive these signals, and act accordingly.  The signals are mixed , therefore, the muscles move against each other, and not as they should.  This causes spasm, contraction, warping of the muscle, and pain.  The muscles contract at rest as well.  This is like going to the gym every day and working out past the point of exhaustion, to where muscle failure occurs, and then damage.  The warping of the muscle, the involuntary contractions cause the muscle to tighten, twist, and work against the joints.  I have felt, at times, like a barbie doll whose legs were being popped off.  The body is in constant pain, without medication I scream, cry, vomit, and wet myself (I told you this would be raw).  I’m not ashamed, I don’t have control over my physical body.  I am frustrated to varying degrees, at various times.  I think I have painted this picture enough.

Back to the part of the story that I want you to know.  My friend, April Adams, and I, almost accidentally, started this process.  I was very ill, and not working on myself.  It just so happened that April had been working on herself, and was breaking the ice in her business as a Reiki Master.  She was still young in her process, and I didn’t even have a clue yet.  She needed a massage table for her practice.  I just happend to have one in storage in new condition, that I could never seem to sell to anyone.  I sold it to her for a fair price, and  she added 3 Reiki sessions to my price.

The very first session I had with April, was very unusual.  I have had Reiki before, but this was not just Reiki.  It was as if a bolt of lightning hit me!!  Shazaam!!!  I began intuiting that very same day.  After the session, I sat up and gave April the information that I received during her session.  I saw her brother and that he had been in Afganistan.  I asked what is with all the water….I was getting water falls, and water this and water that.  At this point, April and I knew each other through mutual friends, but I did not even know her well enough to know that she had a brother.  This was the first time we had even spent any time together.  I told her:  “You don’t even know who you are!  You are the clearest channel I have ever felt.”

The next time April came to give me a Reiki session, I intuited again.  This time all I was seeing was death, death, death….in various ways…mass graves, drowning, the electric chair.  You name it, I saw it.  By the end of the session I was shaking with goose bumps all over me.  She explained that she had plans to visit the holocaust museum.  This time I said: “There is a train coming, I hope you are ready, because you are getting on it!”

I now look back at those statements, and know them all to be true.  Except, I also know the last one, about the train….that message was also for me.  That train pulled out of the station that day, and I was already holding my ticket out for the conductor.

From there, it just grew.  I learned what forgiveness really was (from April).  My motto of, “I don’t forgive, and I certainly never forget.”, was not doing me any good.  It was a protection that I had put in place because of the emptiness I felt from not experiencing love.

I began to say this forgiveness affirmation each night before bed:

“I live in today, today is my present, and I forgive myself, and any other who may have harmed me in the past.  The past cannot effect my present.  I live in the present, and today I am grateful for my wife, my children, my 4-legged children, and that I can breathe.”

When I first began saying this affirmation, I was pretty low.  I still did not believe that forgiveness could do anything for me.  That all changed.  I continued with the affirmation, and became attuned (over time) as a Reiki Master.  I started working with this energy, and asking Source for guidance.  I asked for the ability to help myself and others through intuitive process, and over time that came as well.  First slowly, and by allowing everything to happen and not question it, I was able to go through this process rather quickly.  Much more quickly than I ever anticipated.  I call it my baptism by fire.

I am not a religious person, although from time to time I may speak about religion here.  I understand so much more than I ever have, and I know only time will tell where exactly this journey is taking me, but here you have the beginning of this journey.  Right now, I speak to people all over the country.  I work with people by giving personal readings, being their intuitive coach, when they need one, offering a support group for intuitives going through their process, I put my voice out to the public on a blog talk radio show, and now I have this blog.

This blog is a true account of my process, what I experienced, what I am still experiencing, and how I am getting from a to b.  I chose life in the fast lane for this post because….I have truly taken the fast lane in this spiritual experience.  It has only been a year and 1/2 that I have even been doing this, but my eyes are open.  The way I see things now, is tremendously different from the way I used to.  My ability to connect to Source is ever present, and I learn more about my process every day, gaining more skill, having areas of my life presented to me to work on.  Being guided and protected by Source, does not mean you are not still human.  I still have physical pain, I still cry, I still get frustrated.  I am human.  Now I have the best tools to deal with my process, and I am not bitter, just tired.

The road I am on, is not easy, but it is worth it!!  1000% worth it!

My chemical romance and Me/Mama/Is there light without dark…..

Hello, everyone!  I realized this morning, after a night of little sleep, and much meditation, that I had opened up a new way of reading….fantastic!!  Well, new to me….this is what happened:

To give you a quick minute of back story, I have been chronically ill for four years.  I have an undiagnosed muscle/movement disorder, and now see a specialist in Boston, one of the best in the country.  It took me four years to find her.  Really, by now, my own story is boring to me, but I realize a bit of explanation is in order.  The disorder came on gradually over a period of 9 months, only I didn’t do much about the symptoms….I saw a red flag, and kept going…by the time I got to a physician, the symptoms were full blown, and I was petrified.  I was losing my ability to walk, move my limbs, speak, and I had terrible pain.  Fast forward four years later…..I have had ups and downs, cried tears, laughed hysterically, and found a new life.  Pain is still here, sometimes I cannot walk at all, sometimes I walk just fine…..mostly, I walk with difficulty.

In place of the physical, mental and emotional came to rule.  Maybe too much emotional.  I was depressed, angry, and generally at the bottom of my proverbial barrel.  Life was hard, and I was making it much harder.  Little did I know, there was this other plan in motion that I never understood was really happening…until…it happened.

I won’t go into the boring detail (it’s really not boring, and you WILL want to know, but today, lets get back to our subject at hand)…lets just say something not short of a “miracle” happened and cracked me open like a walnut!  It sounds painful…it was, it is, and I love it!!

So, a funny thing happened on my way to a meditation this morning….I hadn’t slept and couldn’t….I may have mentioned a movement disorder, well, unfortunately I have to take medication to keep functional, and it’s not small potatoes..these meds could kill someone!!  Lately, I’ve been a little foggy….memory fuzzy, fatigue, sleep is easy come, easy go….all symptoms of a sleep depraved individual.  I am so setting myself up here, but it’s all in good faith!!  If you can’t make fun of yourself, it just hurts when others do….wait….??

Okay, My Chemical Romance (are you paying attention?)….I love alternative music….now known as emo or emo-alternative or whatever..who cares….this video Mama….love itttt!  Yes, I will soon be preaching to you to love your neighbor and give them a hand up, no worries!!  You get it all here.  See, there is no light without dark….sit out on the beach in the blinding sun long enough and your skin will sear, blister, and slough off! I went to nursing school, I can say slough with a straight face.  The ice in your tropical drink will melt, and you will be left with watered-down fruit-juicy syrup…somethin’ like the kool aid they warned you about!  Watch that stuff….

Last night after realizing I had forgotten to take my nightly med count, I realized it was far to late to take the regimen, and needed to tough it out…brilliant!  I think I created this account somewhere around 3 am.  This mmmmorning….after a couple hours of sleep, my morning medicine, and a phone conversation with my daughter…I remembered that I downloaded around 100+ songs onto my iphone, and decided to give a listen.  Up to this point, I maybe had a dozen songs…just for a maybe I will need something to listen to sometime, someplace thing…I don’t get out much!!  So, typically if I am listening to music it is in it’s full glaring beauty…much to the chagrin of my neighbors.  Only during daylight hours, folks!!

Uh hmmm…where was I, yes, I never ..never.. never.. listen to music on my iphone…until today.      So, having made that statement, I will make another….I read as an Energy Intuitive (what we used to call psychic), and receive and deliver messages through channel.  Yes, that is really what the blog is about…are you just coming in?

Today, I “read” the music, no, not sheet music, THE music, and as I am sitting here, I am wondering how long have I been able to do this??  It seems simple enough given all that I have discovered about myself thus far….You would think I would have clued you in by now….

The “miracle” was that I began to do this work, quite by accident. When I say work, it has been a major roller coaster ride, and when I refer to it being painful…it was, and I do know, that I am going into ANOTHER ramped up state of it….11 weeks worth, of pure kick-ass psychic wallop.  Let me get this out there while I still have time!  Today, the music, much like what I see intuitively…had beautiful waves of energy, colors, lights, and information….yes, that is right…information.  Information that I can only think is energetically connected to the songs, and their writers/singers, etc.  You would be surprised at what I saw…how, can this “dark” music produce such light?  And, why does this “dark” music speak to me…why do I crave it’s emotional intensity, and sometimes harsh look at the world?  Because it’s fun!!  Yes, I said it…dark can be fun!!   Mostly, however, as we see the actors (because they are actors, sorry guys), play out the scene we expect from them….we get a release… of pent up emotion, and get to see our dark sides at play.  No one…no one here on this Earth is all light…..we are only varying degrees of ourselves, and the human condition holds beauty in all its dark and all its light, it holds purpose, and experience…valuable experience….whoa!!  Put the crosses down!  I know, I know, I know!!  Yes, that IS what I am saying, and somewhere along the way, there is a light that goes on and says:  all your experiences, all your ups and downs, your lows, and highs…these experiences, without them…who would you be?

People, through adversity, move mountains….no one, does squat after a day playing volleyball on the beach, and a big, fat meal with two cocktails to celebrate.

You picking up what I’m putting down?  What moves you, is what matters!  What moves you?  What will make you live, instead of survive?  What makes you feel something….a loaf of white bread and a bottle of charodnnay?…mmmmm….that makes me want to save a life!!!  Nope, that puts me bloated, tired, and snoring on the couch.  You don’t mix medication and booze, anyway…what are you thinking???

So, this is my introduction to you.  Hello!!  Here we will explore it all. Not just the fluffy, white stuff, not just 1001 mantras until you cannot mantra anymore, but the REAL.  Because it IS real, all of it, and all of it has purpose, and so it must be voiced!!

Thank you for reading…or listening..or both.