Punk goes Acoustic

I finished watching a video on the Met’s “Punk: Chaos to Couture” extravaganza and I have to admit that I waxed nostalgic for a few moments.  Ahhh…punk where have you gone?

If you could see me, if you could truly see me…you would see ripped jeans, a vintage Ramone’s t-shirt, chucks, tattoos, piercings, and a glaring neon mohawk.  Oh, the days!

That is what I look like inside.  On the outside, I am some of that and the rest of who the public needs to see, and then who I need to see.

Just for the record, I already wrote this blog post once, but I guess it was not exactly what it should be (?) because it did not save.  I thought ehhh!!  I have to write it again, but as I do so….well, I see a bigger picture than just a few minutes ago.

This is not about me, although it started that way, as most of these writings do.  Here on the virtual page we express our experiences, and how they effect our thoughts and feelings in our world.

Today, I am looking at several people, myself included. I see a friend as well as my younger daughter, and I see that the words that will come out here will have weight and purpose.  So, a quick thanks to all that support this endeavor of mine to speak the truth…whatever the truth looks like.

I am 42 y/o, overweight, handi-abled, shaved head, loud and proud Being.   Proud of who I am in this society, but also proud of who I’m not.  I have shifted greatly with this shift and see those around me going through the struggle of shedding their outer layer…so to speak.

“We are in a time of integration.  Integrating many selves into a more “whole” self.  We are many forms in many planes, and exist simultaneously within ourselves.”

*So, for the audience I just want to interject that my blog has been semi-highjacked by Source, so the sudden change of topic (or not) is something I am allowing and accept.  I just wanted the disclaimer that this is channel.

I will continue in this style while typing channeled information.

“Realize that you have come here for a reason, you know that you are recognized as your truth, and that your endeavor to solicit attention to this channel is recognized.  Thank you for not interfering with the flow.  I assume you have taken precautions for the truth and only the truth to manifest within, and I acknowledge adhering to these mandates.  Thank you again for understanding the magnitude of the information and how it must be adapted to the general audience’s view.  No reason to feel shy.  We do not bite.  (laughter)

Realize, once again, that you have been chosen to relay this message, and that it is you who must do so.  Proceed with your original plan to allow testimony to the truth and all will be well.

I know that you are somewhat afraid still of the impact of these words on this audience of yours, but please, rest assured you are given whatever it is you need to accomplish this task.

We appreciate your sincerity and your ability to step aside for the greater good.  Thank you for your patience.

Dear audience thank you for receiving us this day, as I hope it finds you well.  We rejoice in the many who are following this thread and the need you have to discover the truth of yourself as we knew you would.

There are times that have been most difficult, recently, in your world, and you have struggled greatly.  Fear not this presence now that you feel, as it is for your benefit only.  Realize that you are capable of any decision you need to make for yourself and those you care for.  Remember that they are part of the Source itself, and part of the knowledge of BEing, part of the revolution of the whole which has sought to be ONE once more in physical as well as here in the light.  You remember once you had a dream of the many and the many spoke the same.  You are becoming one with your own now, and this is a very intricate process that you benefit from greatly.  This process can be taxing as your physical body stretches to accomodate most of your true essence, and your belief in your own abilities to transform yourself, your life your motivation for living itself!  Be open to the new, as it is your true way.  Do not deceive yourself into believing that you are experiencing these memories for no reason.  All is within you. You ARE the light and the guide as well as the truth, and you will come around again soon…knowing, debating, challenging these changes these beliefs, and insecurities will flare.

Think what you will, but it is futile to remain closed off to Spirit.  What you possess is yourself, nothing more, nothing less.  Open up to it, and you will be greatly surprised at the result.  Shrug off the old, relieve yourself of these burdens.  They are only self-imposed, only brought on by your own misguidance and illusion. You can leave this behind at any time…what will you create with your new abilities?  We are all waiting to see.  I know you can do this!  I am so happy for you and all of us are grateful for the challenges you endure for the greater good.  There is no need to justify your freedom, only acceptance is required.

Thank you again for your permission and your patience.  We are very honored to know you and to keep you in our company. “

That was nice actually, I was not entirely expecting it, but I am also being told to record it in voice.  I guess it is time, as I have been trying to do this for so long, and having difficulty doing so.  Amazing really.  This ride of ours gets better and better…please feel free to come along!!

Getting Bent

I took some time to think about writing about this, and I believe I took enough time to be able to talk about this in a calm manner without dredging up the past to the point that I react to it again.  I have PTSD, but have not had a symptomatic episode for almost two years until a few days ago.  Once I was practicing with energy daily, my symptoms just were not there anymore, and I did NOT expect it when it happened.

The trigger was pure emotion.  I was never afraid to cry, but with PTSD adrenaline was always there to fuel me before I could get to the crying.  It was not until the adrenaline wore off that I would sob.  If you know anything about PTSD, it is a dark, and angry road of a primal response gone rouge.  The natural instinct to fight or flight (and freeze), will kick in when there are dire circumstances.  In PTSD that trauma that created the situation has over sensitized the body, and this adrenaline response happens with very little pushing on that trigger.  It could be a word, a small action, a gesture, something in a movie, or just a personal issue.  This was a personal issue….I didn’t know why, but I was extremely over the top upset that day, barking at my wife, snapping at a friend and then sobbing for hours.  I later learned that there was a huge influx of solar flare energy hitting the Earth at that time.

One minute I was apologizing for being over emotional and crying, asking for help, and then click!  There goes that trigger.  If you want to envision pulling back that hammer go ahead…just remember after you point the gun at everyone else, you eventually point it right at your own head.  That is the closest I can get to telling you what it feels like.   Sheer rage, pain and panic. Once that adrenaline wears off, you are depressed and humiliated.  It is like waking up from a dream, and you say, “Did that really happen, or did I dream that?”  Only this time it really happened, and you only wish you dreamed it.

When you are in a PTSD episode no one can say anything to you.  My wife tried the “Do you think you may be over reacting?” only to get “NO!  What do you mean I’m f%#$@*g over reacting?  Do you really think I would be this upset over nothing…are you f%#$@*g kidding me?”  On and on and on and on….I raged.  I really don’t know how I have any relationships at all with this disorder.  It is a cruel taskmaster for sure.  You say and do things you would not do if you were only in your right mind.  The problem is you go from 0-60 in 3.3 seconds on a high octane fuel cocktail that will make you think you can smash your fist right through a wall or better yet someone’s face.  Yep.  That bad.

Normally, I can catch myself when I am triggered….I will say or do something horrendous, and then I will run.  I will run as far and fast as I can go (which really is not far these days….maybe to the couch?)  I do this to take myself out of the situation, and allow the adrenaline rush to subside so that I can think clearly again.  That didn’t happen.  I just ranted and ranted and worked myself up, and ranted again, and worked myself up more….

Then, I ran. Not physically, but mentally….I ran all over the internet cutting myself off from this group, from groups I actually formed myself…I left my own group!!  Bananas!!!!

Okay, what Gwen Stefani, is not saying here is….that’s my shit..ooohhhhohhh…that’s my shit.   Yes, this IS MY SHIT!  It’s all me, it’s mine, I own it, don’t even try to take responsibility for it…ooohhhhohhh….that’s my shit!   So, during the actual spiral into insanity….I am Gwen Stefani in this video (I wish!)  After the insanity spiral is over and I “come to” it’s all just shit…ooohhhohhh…that’s my shit!

See, everything I say is not inspiring and pretty.  You can apologize for this type of behavior, maybe you have even warned your friends that you have PTSD…just incase, but no one really knows until you blow, and when you blow, you are like a freight train bearing down the tracks and the people around you are tied to those tracks, and they see you coming, but they never manage to get out of the way fast enough.  Ooohhhohhh…that’s my shit, that’s my shit!

I HAD to share this post.  I had to because I promised to be honest with my audience, to show my dark and my light….my dark and my light.  My dark has helped me to seek the light, but I still carry it with me and for me to get anywhere with it, I have to acknowledge it, examine it…..figure it out.  I have to accept that it is there, and not just stick it in a closet somewhere hoping it doesn’t get out.  Here I am, I acknowledge you, I may not be proud of you, but you are me….we are each other, and I take responsibility for you.  I know you are not gone now, not hiding, or healed, just waiting….for the right moment….waiting to come into the light.

Can Anybody Find Me… Somebody toooooo…..

Ladies and Gentlemen, please stand for the talented, the gifted, the magnificent Freddie Mercury

There is always something to be said for the person who stays up late to write themselves a love note….who does that??

Well, I’m doing it, and why not, don’t I deserve it?  The time on my blog here is incorrect and I cannot for the life of me figure out how to change it to Eastern time.  Now that I have acknowledged it, I’m okay with it.  That is how most things happen these days, you recognize an issue, identify it to others, and upon said identification, the issue is resolved.  Really?….really!!  Truthfully, what took us weeks or months, or even years to identify within ourselves has become almost instantaneous.

What I can tell you, is if you are not paying attention you can create blockages in the same manner.  It is seriously not a time to be screwing around out there.  We are the creators of our destiny in every sense of the phrase…what we do, what we say, what we think…becomes our reality.  Honestly, this has always been so, it just took us more time to create it.

If you have not already noticed some changes, you will have no reason to deny these changes by mid-March.  The changes I speak of are happening everywhere around the world.  People fear change because it is unknown.  I choose to embrace these changes.  Since I have embraced change, I have only scratched the surface of who it is I am.  We will have challenges to overcome, this I know for sure.  The changes we will undergo will stress our need for community.  That is why community is now an idea that is being embraced just as easily as some are embracing these changes. You will soon come face to face with this for yourself.

If there is someone you should be kind to, someone you need to shine a little bit o’ light onto right now….that’s YOU!  Now, I know that I said this blog would be real.  It would focus on the dark and the light, don’t worry, I’m not about to let you down.  I also have nothing to say here that should scare anyone.

WE are not lost, but you will find that things will look darker before the light shines again.  This is not to say that there will not be a helping hand every step of the way.  When you come to a better understanding of how this process works, you may realize that some of this change can be somewhat difficult . Especially if you are not prepared for it.  I had no idea what was happening to me, and every day was not the energetic waltz.  It was more like tripping over your own shoelaces during a line dance, and causing a domino effect among all the other dancers. Stay strong, my lovlies!

Nothing is about to go smoothly, so when I say it is time to write yourself a love note, take my advice.  The best way through this is with all the self-love you can muster.  If you want energetic connection, you have to get rid of the life time of (maybe sometimes well intended) sometimes traumatic messages we have heard over our lives.  The messages that once were spoken to us, and then heralded by ourselves up to the heavens.  No job?  You’re lazy.  Overweight?  You’re a glutton.  Covered in mud?  You’re dirty.  Hey, I was gardening!!!!  Yeah, that’s right!!  With organic compost!  Is there another kind?

Anyone can tell you anything, and when we are young we listen.  Now, we are adults.  We have a choice.  Do you want to play that tape over and over and over again?  Good.  You don’t have to.  If you were interested in playing that tape just one last time….you would be playing it, and not reading this.  We all know that that one last time is always at the end of the bottle, not the beginning, on the last slice of cake, not the first, on the crumbled up pack, and not the first smoke, on the last score, or the last high, the last bet, the last drink, the last binge, the last bit of hell we can put ourselves through…until, we’ve had enough.

I had enough.  I had enough smokes, drinks, icecream tubs, sex, anger, depression, heartache, hate, pain, blame….I’ve tried a lot of ways to ignore my feelings, and I still work on it.  My body, my mind, my emotional, spiritual, mental, physical, energetic self needs LOVE.  I will take it above anything else. Without it, I am just a pile of bad decisions, mistakes, last chances, and lonely nights.

Now, here is the difference between what I propose and what you call being “saved”.  YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TRADE ONE ADDICTION FOR ANOTHER!!  Most of what we do, is trade one thing to obsess about for another thing to obsess about.  Here is how to tell if you are doing that:

Does it make you happy?  Truly happy, like you want to dance happy…all the time happy!!

Does it set you free? Like I can do whatever I want free, and I choose to do such awesome, loving acts of kindness to bestow upon myself free. 

Because I love myself.  Yeah, you heard me.  I don’t have a problem with it.  Do you?

This is how much:

Dear Laura,

I know that you have spent a lot of time thinking about all the trials that you have encountered over the years, and that you can appreciate each for its significant experience in your life.  I am so glad that you have chosen to release all pain and fear around these small incidences in your life.  You have so many years ahead to live a healthy, vibrant life, and I am so happy that you finally know just how much you deserve this.  Thank you for recognizing this at the most important time in your life.  You are very smart, and I am so glad to have you leading me, and making such good choices.  I admire your ability to face your fears openly and for learning all that you have from doing so.  Thank you for deciding that you are worth financial freedom, and the ability to treat your body with love and nutrition.  I know you are taking on as much as you can do for yourself right now, and you will definitely reach all your goals in time.  You are very patient and believe in yourself.  I don’t know anyone more honest, caring and loving than you.  You take care of yourself above all others, because you know that if you do not, you will not be able to take care of anyone else.  Because you are generous by nature Source has gifted you with abilities that you can share with others. It is this that makes you want others to empower themselves, and you are only better for that.  You receive every comfort in life, because you are ready to except this.  I am proud of you, and I love you!!!!

I could go on for days!!  I would be embarrassed to write this at any other time in my life, but I am releasing those old ways, as many times as I have to.  I am doing this because I am learning to love myself, and honor myself, and I will NEVER go back!!

Can anybody find mmeeeeee…somebody tooooo……..LOVE!

With Writing This I Hope

Sometimes when you are used to an influx of almost constant information, you hit a quiet time.  Quiet times often preclude a big energetic event, new information, or even a time of great challenge.  When I get into this quiet zone, it can feel very melancholy for me.  I have become accustomed to being in energy, and the only other way to feel is “regular”.  Not that that should be bad, but feeling uplifted all the time definitely has its perks.  Tonight, I did some automatic writing for myself, and I will share it here with you:

(while asking Source for guidance)

“Do you know that you are able to discern this information for yourself?  Please rely on your own inner feelings and beliefs.  You are capable of reaching your desired outcome.  Realize you are unable to prevent this from happening.  Be aware that you are resisting the urge to complete what needs to be done, but you must forge ahead.  You are to discover that help is coming, and to initiate that (help through thought and voice).  Realize that you will need to express yourself in a way that serves the higher good, but also remind others of what is needed in this world to push forward.  You are entitled to this opportunity and will do well with it, don’t misrepresent who you are, but realize that you are all that you need.  Be aware that others may not have your best interest in mind and only you can understand what it is you need.  Remember who you are and lead.”

The words in parentheses are what I believe to be accurate, but when I auto-write, sometimes it is hard to read back exactly what I wrote.  Anyway, with writing this I hoped to gain better clarification with some things that have been on my mind.  All I feel I got was more of my own “put your money where your mouth is”  neo-scripture jargon.  Yes, I say my own, because sometimes that is how it feels.  I feel like I am repeating myself over and over with the same answer to different people, and I hear the message, understand the message, but get tired of hearing the message.  Realize that we (energetic workers) don’t always love every bit of every day.  It can be quite draining at times.  Then, in a way of sorts, I hear my own words echoed at me.  When people ask for information, it is me, (as the messenger) that needs to tell them that the answers are within them, to trust their heart and follow it.  When I feel lost, I ask for guidance from Source, and often I am told that I have my own answers, that I must trust myself to find them.  How frustrating!!  Now, I get it!!  Are you going to answer me or not?!  She said with an angry inflection!!! 

I am kind of getting a taste of my own medicine here.  Source is cryptic with me, I am cryptic with you.  I am meant to “lead” you to your own personal empowerment, and that is what Source does with every one of us.  This whole do it yourself thing can be tough at times.  I mean, really, if I had the answer, would I be asking….that is another thing I say to people:  If you were happy in that situation, you wouldn’t be asking me.  Maybe Source is saying, “How about being a little more sensitive to others?”  Ugh!!  I am such a brat!

Maybe Source thinks that I should just think for myself….

Would Source tell me to stop asking….they say “no”.  Okay….now what?  Guess I need to go back to trusting Source and trusting myself.  If the answers were not within this being…then where would they be?  Would I send myself here without cryptic messages, and hidden meanings to help me along the way?  Hell no!!  I’d be slipping myself a note or two every chance I got!!

Just don’t shoot the messenger!

Laura 🙂

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

One of the things I have always been good at, is making decisions.  I am very impulsive, but work great under pressure.  Some of the people closest to me, are terrible decision makers….and it drives me crazy!!!  I am a person of action.  I have considerable difficulty waiting for anything!  A phone call, an answer, someone needing to make a decision….waiting, waiting, waiting….  It is not a wonder that my illness has slowed me down considerably. It is not surprising that whenever I get it in my head to start running around, doing, doing, doing….Source will put me right down again.  I am a hard player, and a stubborn student!  In truth I have learned quite a bit, but it is oh, so easy to let ego take over, and put me once again in the position of needing to be STOPPED!!!

I often advise clients to begin meditation.  I do this because I know that quieting the mind is as powerful, even more powerful than taking action!  We are doers….always looking to manipulate our situation to what we “think” is best for us.  That is the problem right there…too much thinking.  We have no idea what we are doing, mostly because we are always listening to our own brains rattle and hum.  Are you are person who worries, and has a hard time making decisions??? Or are you more like me…impulsive, very little patience, and quick to take action???  The answer to either situation is the same.  Get out of your own way.  It is not the external presence that makes or breaks us, it is how we react to it, and what we believe about it.

The true action is stillness.  The true thought process is internal and heart evaluated.  SHHHHH!! I’m meditating!

I truly encourage, every person, any person…to try it!  Here comes the thoughts:  I’ve already tried, I can’t do it…I don’t have time for that, I’m too busy….Nothing happens when I meditate….

Okay, I hear you…meditation takes practice, and will.  First you must realize that you are allowed to rest…huh, what?  This insane need to stay moving, and running, and working, and doing…is not getting you anywhere!  STOP!  You are being guided, you can do anything, you are worthy, you deserve rest, enlightenment, happiness, and comfort.  When you are allowing yourself to stop, rest, breathe, and just live, you are ALIVE!  The opposite, is what we think we must be or do.  STOP!!  Seriously, just stop.  Stop the frantic peddling in the wrong direction.

Close your eyes, and allow Source to take over.  Let it all go.  It’s not important.  It’s an illusion.  This peddling is just churning up water, causing discord with your true self.  Let go!!  Realize that there is no other way to know your destiny, except for accepting it.  We don’t always have the answers, but if we believe that all experiences have value, and all experiences are necessary to develop into who it is that we are, then why does it matter?  We are guided, truly, we are.  Every time that we resist the flow, every time we are paddling against the current….we are running away from who we are.  We worry about our course, we put so much energy into paddling, paddling, paddling…..we are creating the situation of worry, and the need to keep paddling in fear.  We are conjuring up a tsunami sized wave.

This is what I tell clients when they are paddling against a tsunami:

Feel it…feel the tsunami rising higher, higher, higher….now, turn your back to it.  What?!  There is a feckin’ TSUNAMI coming!!!!  Turn your back on the wave!!  Close your eyes and feel…feel your fear..allow it to come…its already in progress, so let it go.  Feel it rising, rising, cresting…this wave is going to crash!

Just as the wave begins to crash down, realize that it is not going to hit you!  Breathe out….a sigh of relief!!  Watch the wave crash just outside of you, and feel all the strength of that wave become calm, soothing, buoying energy…..float… now the wave is pushing you gently, you are bobbing nicely in the beautiful sea. Being pushed gently towards shore.  Allow this energy to now flow over you.  Realize this energy is powerful, but gentle.  This powerful gentleness caresses you and allows you complete comfort, and knowledge of the beautiful gift of calmness, lightness, and relaxation.

You just survived a tsunami of your own creation! Congratulations!  You have a choice, you can make a decision here and now; stop creating tsunamis.  Stop paddling!  Allow the smooth, gentle, yet powerful energy to guide you.  Or, even when you encounter large waves….turn your back, and allow them to buoy you.  Stop paying so much attention to things that you find fearful or uncomfortable.  The fear is made in your mind.

Stop listening to your mind, and tap into the quiet, gentle vision of your heart.  Your heart knows you.  Your heart is your life force.  Essentially, our heart beats involuntarily to circulate our blood which provides, food, nutrients, gases (oxygen); everything we need to stay alive.  Our heart also feels, we tend to think that this is an anomaly.  How can an organ, a muscle feel??? Well the rest of your body feels as well.  So, why would it be any different with any other organ/muscle??  Emotion is REAL, and we don’t need to know how or why we feel it.  We don’t need to know why or how our heart sings or aches, we just need to recognize that it does.  Pay attention to your inner-most feelings, they are here to guide you.  If you need help…ASK!!!  Be gentle on yourself.  If the life you are not living does not make you feel ALIVE….stop living it, and choose something else!

Easier said than done, right???  No, its easier done!  Letting go is unbelievably beautiful!  The lightness, the happiness, the understanding, and allowing, and just ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!  It is lovely.   When we finally understand we need to let go, and we do…..you are going to realize that this is so much easier, so much more fulfilling, and those around you will notice too.  Your personal light shines brighter, and others will want to know what you are doing to make this so.  They will recognize this change in you, and want it for themselves.  This is how the collective works.  We are all intrinsically connected.  When we choose fear and running, all of us are fearful and running around.  When we choose calmness, and guidance, all of us are calm and guided.  When enough of us choose calmness and guidance, we will have created a shift.  A shift in energy to create a better, more harmonious, loving world.

Hey, Mikey!  Try it, you just might like it!!

Gravitational Pull Getting the Best of You…

The past few weeks have been like a roller coaster.  Perhaps you are feeling this?  It’s been a rough one for sure.  My body, my mind, my soul, all in flux.  Many questions in my head.  The one thing I can count on, is my heart.  My heart knows the truth, and my experiences these past few weeks, may have, at times, been somewhat difficult….but, honestly, I have had some great experiences as well.

I know it is hard out there right now, life is still as unsure as it was in 2012, the economy is still killing our jobs, and our homes are being relocated.  If feels like someone is pulling the rug out from under us.  I know that this does not seem promising.  You may have heard of the term “the new Earth”, and you may be wondering what exactly that means to us now.  You are not really seeing a change, in fact, if anything, things may look somewhat worse!!

I have to share something, things WILL look worse, there will be a lot of upheaval.  Jobs lost, or left because you feel like you cannot spend another minute doing what you are doing.  Homes foreclosed on, or opportunities taken that force you to relocate.  I am here with a message, “HOLD ON!!!!”

The fortitude that was needed to get this far, is not missing.  We are just feeling spent, feeling tired, wondering what it’s all about…AGAIN!  I know that it looks bleak, but you are in the most powerful time of your life.  The changes that are occurring must occur.  We are being pushed towards our destiny, and you had more to do with it than you think.  Remember, you chose to come here.  That whole thing we put on our parents:  “I never asked to be born!!!”  Ummm, yes, you did.  And what is more, is that we chose our parents, all the events that took place in our lives, and in physical, as adults, we continue to choose.

So, why are we waiting for the world to change?  We have two choices:  we are either going to get involved, or we are going to watch it go by.  If you are watching, that’s okay…it’s your choice, but may I suggest a another possibility?  There are infinite possibilities….and  you CAN choose from any one of them, and if you don’t like that choice you can choose again!!  You have the power to shape your life.  You must shape your life!  This is the time for community to come together…start networking with others of like mind….you must depend on each other for help.  This this is why people built churches and religion, they wanted a community, but some wanted control over that community, and here we are.  Think back to the 60’s minus the drugs and VD….they had something right about love, peace and happiness, man!  You dig?

The world will look like it is going into the shiter, but it is changing, it is changing because we want it to.  You are telling the Universe, hi, can you help me down here, I could use some help….so, we get fired, we are relocated, maybe we are even living in a shelter, don’t know where the next pay check is coming from, have no idea what is coming down the pike next. Hmmmm…what’s happening?  What are we being pushed to do?  Could it be, that we are being pushed to rely on each other again, to trust our neighbor, to help another, to be honest, and ask for help when we need it????

Why would we do those things?  I can’t think why we would do that…I don’t know…it’s not very clear….I don’t get it….that’s stupid…I hate my neighbor….wait!  I’ve been asking Source to allow this new Earth to come, I have been asking Source to help me, I have been asking source to change things so I can do better, be better……hmmmmm.  You have free will, you always have, you can be and do anything you want.  We have come to see each other and ourselves as individuals.  Once upon a time, we knew that our lives depended on our ability to live within a community.  To help raise our children, to take care of our elderly.  People are being pushed back into that space again. The community space.  In our own families.  Children are coming home from college with big loans and no work, families are losing their homes and moving into community housing situations.  Relatives are living with three generations under one roof.  There is NOTHING wrong with this…this was how it was supposed to be.  We have always belonged together, helping each other. The separateness, and polarity that we have been experiencing has caused us pain.  How easy would life be if we worked together, each of us, toward the goal?  What goal?

What goal?

What goal?

What goal?

Only You  Can Decide.

Personal Jesus

I am beginning to get the sense that I will be leaving bread crumb trails, in previous posts, to see where the next post is going.  I mentioned before, that I am not religious, but would at times talk about religion in this blog.  There are certain subjects that I know to be delicate, and to approach with some form of grace.  Religion would be in that category, at least, for me.  What I have decided to do about that was to post a disclaimer, and then just write.  If I am editing myself from saying what I need to, then the point of this blog is moot.

I promised you a REAL blog, from the heart, from the soul, being led by Source.  Well, you are going to get it!!  My disclaimer is this:  I am not religious, I could identify as spiritual, but I more like to say “in energy”.  I have previously identified as the following:  Catholic, Wiccan, Atheist, Angry, and “In Energy”.  The two places I have felt the best are when I was somewhat “naturally” drawn to religion as a child, and now…”In Energy”.  Did I say “In Energy?”

I was raised Roman Catholic, yes there is a difference…what that is, I could not tell you.  I am pretty sure that the Roman Catholics were a wee bit more stoic, but I will research and let you know………I realize, you are hanging on every word.  I acknowledge and respect every persons personal view on religion according to their own needs, and free will.  I have had experiences, most of which have been very recent, that have led me to acknowledge that religion has its purpose, and that faith itself is essential to having a “better” life.  What “faith” means for you, is your business, and I am not here to change your mind, or serve you a bunch of “you are wrong, and I am right”, bs.  Not happening.  This is your time to remove yourself if this will bother you.  Thank you, love you, be kind to yourself and others…..

“Within the Catholic Church there are a number of individual churches, sometimes called rites. One of these is the Roman rite or Roman church. It includes most of the Catholics in the Western world. A Roman Catholic is a Catholic who is a member of the Roman rite.

There are many Catholics in the East who are not Roman Catholics, such as Maronite Catholics, Ukrainian Catholics, and Chaldean Catholics. These are all in communion with the pope, but they are not members of the Roman rite, so they are not Roman Catholics.

The Roman rite is not stricter than these other rights. They are equal. They all teach the same faith; it is only local customs that are different among them.”

I found that information on a site called:  http://www.catholic.com  Catholic Answers

There ya go!!  Okay, back to what I was saying….I am, and have been most comfortable in my life while practicing any form of spirituality as a child, and now “In Energy”.  What I do now, is more connected than I have ever felt.  I have felt what it is to be completely disconnected, completely lost, completely without any belief system what-so-ever.  There was a period in my life of around 5 years after my divorce with my ex-husband, that I completely lost faith in myself as a human being, and in any thought that there was ever or could ever be a god.  It was not the divorce itself that put me in this mind frame, the divorce was necessary, and you may have noticed that I am remarried to a woman.  That is not even the reasoning behind why I got divorced.  In fact, it was my ex husband who pretty much pointed out to me that I was gay….it made a lot of sense at that point.  I really never examined myself as a person with needs or thoughts about myself until I was around 27-28, and then came out when I was 30!  Gosh, did I think I was the only human being who didn’t figure it out until later in life, but luckily enough, I was not alone.  This is for another blog, or not, who knows.  What happened during this time period, what broke my heart, was that these events hurt my children.  My youngest daughter especially, but that is her story to tell.

The reason I want to speak on religion today, is not because I want to quote any religious doctrine, nor to have people look at the things I say as in any comparison to such .  I am no guru, no saint, and certainly am not looking to have any type of following; other than like-minded spirits who want to shed their old skin for something better.  This “work” I speak of, and it is a commonly used term (some like it, some don’t) has nothing to do with what I need to bring to the world.  This work I speak of is the divine work of discovery.  Personal discovery, growth, and happiness.  This is what I choose for myself.  This is what you can choose for yourself.  It is really an no-brainer.  Happy/unhappy…..Happy/unhappy…..Happy/unhappy…. You get it!!  Still, we, as humans flip that unhappy switch faster than mice on steroids!  We are not in an experiment under a glass dome, caged like rats, with the Gods looking down on us “silly humans”.  We are not punished by karma, or riddled with sin, black spots on our souls, nor are one of us the chosen, the few, or the underdog.

Okay, breathe.  It’s okay….you are about to realize something.  Relax.  It only hurts the first time.  Relax.


How many of you just did that?  Really? C’mon, you know I was kidding, right?  My intention is not to make you perform circus acts, jump through hoops, change yourself for me or any other person in this world.  You DON’T have to do that!  This time I am serious.  You don’t.  You do not need anything that you in your heart do not believe you need.  You are God.  Now, I know you have heard that one before.  You are divine being, spirit incarnate, yes, you ARE the son of God, himself/herself…the daughter, the child of light, the anointed….YOU….ARE….GOD!   No apologies.  Sorry, did you read the disclaimer?

Now that we know we are God…blasphemy, I know!!!  I also told you that would happen.  Listen, relax, take it easy, for real this time.  Being upset doesn’t do you any good, open yourself up to the idea that we are free.  We are free in Source, and in light, and we have the power of choice, free will.  Even religion will tell you that.  YOU have FREE will.  YOU=FREE….you are free.  That is not so bad, is it?  Being free, knowing you have power over your own personal destiny.  Knowing you CAN make the changes necessary for yourself that make your heart sing.  Knowing you are worthy of these things.  Knowing you deserve happiness.  Acknowledging that, believing that, honoring that, owning it as your responsibility.   Wait a minute, I thought we were free??  What’s this responsibility stuff???  I knew this was a trap!

We, as humans, have a tendency to look externally for our answers, this is not all bad.  It is when we are looking externally, and we set expectations for others, and their roles in our lives, that we are disappointed.  There is no such thing as: “YOU” don’t make me happy anymore, or It’s all “YOUR” fault.   Nope.  That is what my aunt would refer to as a copout:

cop-out also cop·out (kpout)

n. Slang

1. A failure to fulfill a commitment or responsibility or to face a difficulty squarely.
2. A person who fails to fulfill a commitment or responsibility.
3. An excuse for inaction or evasion.
Many, many times in my childhood did I hear my aunt making this statement to my mother.  My mother was ill, both mentally and physically.  She was not a good parent.  She could not give us a descent childhood, and I love her.  Not in the way that broke my heart when I was younger.  I love her with the freedom that my heart now holds, knowing now what I know.  What I know is that every experience I have had in my life, whatever label I choose to place it under, was the reason, the catalyst, for me to want to help others.  Until now, I was never as successful as I would like to be, when I was “helping”.  When I say successful, I don’t mean financially, I mean that when I did help, it did not last.  There were also times that I could barely help myself.  Now, I know the difference, now I know that for me to be of help to anyone, I must first help myself.
I used to see thinking of the self as “self”-ish, now I know better.  We often accept words and beliefs that degrade us.  Beliefs that make us feel less than.  We choose to not feel emotion, often numbing ourselves with different things: food, alcohol, drugs, sex…..even Energy can be a way of numbing oneself to the reality of our physical existence.  Energy CAN be addictive.  We are here for the express reason of experience.  We are here to experience this human life, to allow ourselves these experience.  We feel because we have come here, and that there is pain here, that we are being punished.  Cast out, cast out of eden, cast out of heaven, that if we don’t come to class prepared, belly in, shoulders back…that we will FAIL.  We will fail, and then we will never have whatever we are supposed to have when we leave this Earth.  Whatever THAT is.
I need to tell you that your reward, the reward you want comes now….Happy/unhappy…Happy/unhappy…Happy/unhappy…..
What is it you want?  Your choice.  Yours.  There is no, “I can’t because”…., there is only, “I won’t because…”  YOU can do anything.  That is what you are here for.  If you have a beating heart in your chest, use it!!!  Stop numbing yourself, feel your emotions, realize there are people here holding out their hand to you…asking, “What is it you want?”  I believe in you.  I believe in myself.  I believe we are all divine spirit incarnated into physical life, through our own free will.  We are here to experience….we are not the class…we are the teachers!!